no more “mr. nice guy”

I have been reading recently about Joseph in Genesis 41, specifically the passage where Pharaoh first calls the magicians and wise-men to interpret his dreams, but they “couldn’t do it”. Reviewing the dreams, the interpretation seems fairly obvious for experienced wise-men. Personally, I think they actually could have interpreted the dreams… they just didn’t want to bear the bad news. They chose diplomacy over honesty. They acted like “nice guys”.

I have experienced this same situation too many times. People who would rather tell me what they think I “want” to hear, rather than the truth. Avoiding direct confrontation and difficult conversations led to gossip behind my back or other’s. The desire to be known as a “nice guy”, liked by all, caused leaders to deny or avoid a problem.

Avoiding the truth is not helpful.  By hiding the truth, the supposed wise-men missed the opportunity to help Pharaoh change and prepare for the future. Joseph, on the other hand, spoke the truth… AND he was available to come alongside Pharaoh and help him with the necessary changes. Truth is not the opposite of grace. We don’t pick one or the other. We can choose a “both-and” situation. Tell the truth AND graciously be available to come alongside and bring about change.

I have watched leaders avoid the truth – because of fear, or discomfort, or a desire for acceptance – and it never helped. It always made the problem worse. If it was a person whose behavior was inappropriate, they did not get better on their own. Instead, their negative behavior often increased, and the personal or work relationship deteriorated greatly.

If it was a policy or integrity issue that was at stake, the situation did not improve as a result of neglect or passivity. Social entropy caused cooperation to move toward conflict and chaos. Procrastination only made problem resolution more costly in the end.

Truth AND grace can be priority in your life and work.

  • Honest evaluations with your staff – Use 360 evaluations, regular feedback sessions, stats analysis – give lots of encouragement and focus on the positive, but don’t ignore the growth areas. We all need to admit our errors and be continually willing to grow. Work to make honest evaluations a norm with your people.
  • Deal with poor behavior – Have the difficult conversations AND forgive and help your staff move towards change. Giving grace does not equal license. Deal with the error/weakness/sin as quickly as possible. Use respect, tact, discernment and even humor, but tell the truth directly to the person who needs to hear it. “Letting it go” or talking to others rather than to the one involved, only means it will be harder to deal with in the future.
  • Honest evaluations of organizational situations – Be willing to make difficult decisions. Do not overlook debt-producing financial patterns, lack of integrity, poor performance, or any other reality that threatens the organization. As in Joseph’s situation, honest evaluation combined with strategic problem solving can create systems and solutions that will overcome the challenges and lead to a hopeful, healthy future.

Are you sometimes tempted to act like a “Mr. Nice Guy”?

Where can you apply grace AND truth today?

moving towards advocacy

This past semester I learned a lot about cross-cultural leadership, and I gained greater appreciation for the benefit and blessing of diversity in ministry and teams. Our experience in Mexico has confirmed that multi-“cultural” teams (culture = age, gender, nationality, stage-of-life, experience, etc) are the most fruitful, both in terms of ministry goals and for personal character and emotional/spiritual growth.

I believe that the prayer needed, grace extended, and ego submission necessary for unity greatly outweighs the misunderstandings and time challenges involved in these “mixed” teams.  I believe that God blesses our efforts to overcome “cultural” barriers and work together for His glory.

This is especially true in the gender area – maybe because unity in this area is such a personal challenge, especially for families and husbands and wives. My professor encouraged me to further study the many issues surrounding women in leadership… and, although I was hesitant at first, I learned a lot. I am grateful for his “push”.  I do not want to enter a theological or cultural “battleground”, but I do want to actively pursue willingness to hear from God in this area.

I am convinced that our perspective and treatment of women has huge ramifications for our personal relationships, our fruitfulness as a ministry, and our participation in the battle against violence and human trafficking.  The chart below is a summary of some of my study. I offer it as a resource for prayerful consideration of your personal or organizational view of women.

Please let me know what you think. I have the sense that I am just scratching the surface of all that God would have me learn and do in this area. I’d love to learn from you also.

Moving Towards Advocacy-2What does God say to you as you review this chart?

What steps can you take to move towards advocacy?

what I am learning from a yard sale

We are moving after almost 20 years in the same place.  My home has been a haven for four children and countless visitors and long-term guests. For many years, it was also an office for the national campus ministry and a home-schooling headquarters. The back patio was “party-central” for hundreds of fiestas and cook-outs.  We served to up to 50 people for Thanksgiving dinners, and snacks, meals and desserts to 1000’s more.

We have been so blessed in this home.  We have laughed and cried and fought and forgiven. We have studied, played, worked, and prayed. We have grown in understanding God’s grace and truth… there are so many memories!

… And we have accumulated A LOT of stuff!

Our yard sale is a big one… almost everything will go. All the children are growing up and moving on with their lives.  We no longer hold an important position in the ministry here, and it is time for a change… well, lots of changes.

I am learning in the process.

First, stuff is just that – stuff. I can really let go of almost anything.  Some things “sting” a little to let go; with others it is so fun to watch them bring joy and provision to someone else.  We will keep a few special things for each child and some personal items… but most everything else will go. We don’t need nearly so much stuff, especially in this new stage of life.  A good friend reminded me again that God has provided so perfectly through the years – that will not change – He will provide in our new place as well.

Second, change is good.  It is refreshing to go through a “cleansing” like this and be reminded of what is most important. I don’t ever want to get too comfortable where I am; I want always to take challenging faith steps that cause me to depend on God. I want to continually learn and grow. I don’t ever want to depend on things, or a certain lifestyle, or even people; letting them go, trusting only in God for my needs, is good for me. I don’t want others to depend on me either; I want them to depend on God. Change is good for them too.

Third, it is OK to grieve what is past and what is lost. Investing and building into people for eternity is why we were here. Looking back at the transformed lives is satisfying and encouraging, but those special people are also what is hardest to leave. I will greatly miss dear friends – some I will probably never see again. That is painful, and there will be many tearful goodbyes. I have finished the “full-house” stage of life – it was a blast while it lasted, and I will miss it, but it is time for others to fulfill that role. I get to take the pictures with me… and the memories have engraved themselves on my heart forever.

The future is full of hope! The future is unknown and uncertain; it will certainly differ from the past.  But I can face the future with peace because I know that God’s loving-kindness is new every morning (Lam 3:22-23), and He has good plans for me. (Jer. 29:11). When I look back on all that God has done before – His provision, His care, His direction – I have no doubt that He will be intimately involved in my future. So… take it all away! I am ready for something new!

How about you? Do you have too much stuff? Does it hold you back? 

How do you handle change? I’d love to hear from you!

today’s modern woman – pick any two!

SawDust City Wood Signs

This silly, simple graphic made me laugh, and so I uploaded it on Pinterest on my “it makes me laugh” board.  Would you believe that only a few days later, it has been re-pinned almost 2500 times (!) and “liked” over 500 (!)?!

If that post were a YouTube video, we would say it went viral! It has certainly had more interest than any of my blog posts!  It has been seen by more people than I have as Facebook friends!  Why?

I believe one reason is because we need to laugh more! Laughter breaks the ice, softens the blow and heals the hurt… A good deep laugh has physical, emotional and spiritual benefits! Laughter is refreshing! Laughter tells those around us that no matter how difficult the circumstances, God is still good.

Then our mouth was filled with laughter And our tongue with joyful shouting; Then they said among the nations, “The LORD has done great things for them.” Ps 126:2  

These few lines also give healthy perspective to the lie that “we can do it ALL.”  The only one who is all-knowledgeable, all-present, and all-powerful is God; the rest of us have to make choices.  The rest of us have to leave some things for tomorrow and keep that to-do list around for a few more days.  The rest of us have to live by priorities, accept failure, and give each other grace – time and time again!

Lastly, since Pinterest is mostly frequented by women, I think that  board has challenged women to consider their primary roles in life. What is most important for me to do today? How do I best serve the Lord and those around me? I’m glad that this board shows that we can find humor in those options, because sometimes we are so busy comparing, criticizing, judging each other that we forget to value each other and encourage each other to be all that GOD wants us to be as women. (more on that in future blogs)

What do you think about it?

I hope this post gave you a good laugh today! Enjoy and pass it along to someone else who needs a smile!

auténtico – mi palabra para el 2012

Mucha gente ha escogido una palabra que la defina para este próximo año…así que decidí pedirle a Dios que me diera una también. Esto es lo que escuché – AUTÉNTICO – mi palabra para el 2012.

                 Auténtico significa: no falso o copiado; genuino; real.                              También acreditado de cierto y positivo por los caracteres, requisitos o                                                   circunstancias que en ello concurren;                                             y honrado, fiel a sus orígenes y convicciones.

emociones auténticas – Estamos pasando por muchos cambios este año – vamos a regresar a los Estados Unidos después de más de 17 años viviendo en nuestro hogar internacional en México. Este cambio tan grande genera anticipación y pérdida. En los siguientes meses quiero ser auténtica acerca de cómo me siento – sin fingir que siento más o que siento menos de lo que de verdad es…no es fácil para decir adiós; a veces quiero desaparecer el dolor. Este año quiero entristecerme genuinamente y dejar que la gente sepa cuánto aprecio el impacto que han tenido en mi vida y cuánto voy a extrañarles.

temores auténticos – El cambio es difícil. Frecuentemente tengo miedo que no voy a estoy a la altura de las nuevas expectativas; que no tendré nada que valga la pena contribuir a una situación nueva; que no sabré lo suficiente para cumplir con la tarea. Me pregunto si “cabré” en el lugar nuevo; ¿me va a gustar? Usualmente controlo y conquisto esos temores y decido tomar el desafío de todas maneras, pero este año me gustaría ser más real acerca del proceso y de la lucha que enfrento. 

necesidades auténticas – No me gusta sentirme estúpida, desinformada o fuera de causas importantes (¿un poco de problema con el orgullo aquí?). Me gusta hacer las cosas bien y no me gusta tener que pedir ayuda. La verdad es que, sin embargo, tengo mucho que aprender y hay muchos quienes pueden ayudar a enseñarme. Quiero leer más este año y hacer más preguntas. Quiero comentar con otros lo que estoy leyendo y aprender de ellos. Quiero hacer una diferencia con mi vida y quiero hacerlo junto a otros. Necesitaré admitir honestamente mi necesidad para poder hacer estas cosas.

auténtico yo – Quiero caerle bien a la gente y que disfruten pasar tiempo conmigo. Quiero que la gente me pida mi opinión y que lea lo que escribo. A veces finjo ser más como los demás – y menos como realmente soy — para agradarles. A veces quiero creer que tengo todo bajo control en lugar de considerar lo que otros de verdad ven en mí. A veces quiero ser como alguien más, pero en 2012 voy a trabajar en estar “ok” con ser yo misma – fiel a mi personalidad, espíritu y convicciones.

auténtica relación con Dios – Ésta área será la más importante y la base para todos los retos que mencioné anteriormente. Debería ser más fácil, porque Él ya sabe quién soy realmente. Me pregunto si Dios sacude su cabeza y pone gesto de fastidio cuando me ve fingiendo. O si Él llora… queriendo que yo acepte y esté contenta con la manera en la que Él me hizo. Planeo tener algunas pláticas auténticas con Él acerca de eso este próximo año.

¿Y tú? ¿Quieres ser más AUTÉNTICO conmigo este año? ¿O cuál es tu palabra (o palabras) para este 2012?

Me encantaría aprender de ti.

authentic – my word for 2012

Lots of people are picking a defining word for this next year… so I decided to ask God to give me one too.  This is what I heard – AUTHENTIC – my word for 2012.

                                     Authentic means: not false or copied; genuine; real.                               Also entitled to acceptance or belief because of agreement with known facts or experience; reliable; trustworthy and true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character.

authentic emotions – We are going through a lot of change this year – moving from our 17+ year international home in Mexico back to the States. This huge change creates anticipation and loss. In the next months, I want to be authentic about what I feel – not pretend to feel more than I do…not pretend to feel less… It is not easy for me to say good-bye’s; sometimes I want to stuff the pain. This year I want to genuinely grieve and let people know how much I have appreciated their impact in my life and how much I will miss them.

authentic fears – Change is hard. I am often afraid that I will not measure up to new expectations; I won’t have something worthwhile to contribute to new situations; I won’t know enough for the task. I wonder if I will “fit” in the new place; will I like it? Usually I control and conquer those fears and take on the challenge anyway, but this year I would like to be more real about the process and the struggle I go through.

authentic needs – I don’t like to feel stupid, uninformed or un-involved in important causes (a bit of a pride issue here?). I like to do things well, and I don’t like having to ask for help. The truth is, however, that I have a lot to learn, and there are many who can help teach me. I want to read more this year and ask more questions. I want to discuss what I am reading with others and learn from them. I want to make difference with my life, and I want to do it together with others. I will need to honestly admit my needs to do that.

authentic me – I want people to like me and enjoy time with me. I want people to ask my opinion and read what I write.  Sometimes I pretend to be more like others – and less like the real me – so that they will like me. Sometimes I want to believe that I have it all together instead of considering what others actually see in me. Sometimes I want to be like someone else, but in 2012 I am going to work on being “ok” with being me – true to my personality, spirit and character.

authentic relationship with God – This will be the most important area and the basis for all the issues above. It should be easier, since He already knows what I am really like. I wonder if God shakes His head and rolls His eyes when He sees me faking it? Or does He cry… wanting me to just contentedly accept how He made me? I plan to have some very authentic talks with Him this next year about that.

How about you?  Want to be more AUTHENTIC with me this year?  Or what is your word(s) for 2012?

I’d love to learn from you!

use the past to build your future

Facebook and Twitter are full of “new beginnings” this month… everyone with thoughts of leaving behind the last year and starting fresh.  I love the idea of new starts, but I have been thinking about the fact that it is also important to build on the past – not just wipe it away and forget about it.

The past year is important for building the future.

  • the past shows me where I need to grow

It is a humbling experience to review the past year and recognize where I messed up or where someone pointed out that I needed to grow. I remember work reviews that indicated my leadership weaknesses. I remember apologizing to my co-workers because my stress level made me critical and grumpy. I remember comments on my MA papers that indicated writing methods I didn’t know or challenged me to “step it up” and take more risk. There will be many opportunities for me to grow this next year. I wrote about an idea for recording some of these areas now so I can look back at the end of the year and see the difference!

  • the past reminds me that I am not in control

There were so many things that happened last year that I would not have done that way IF I was in control. I would not have had so many dear people die, or struggle with cancer, or get hurt by mean comments, or struggle to pay bills, or … But I couldn’t stop that pain, and I couldn’t make other good things happen that I wanted. God is God, and I am not. The past reminds me of that truth for today and the future.

  • the past teaches that I can make choices every day

I get to decide HOW I will handle what happens each day. Will I greet adversity with faith or fear? Will I treat people with love or with judgement? Will I spend time in reflection or be too busy for that? Will I waste my time, or will I invest in my health, energy, experience and resources to help others? I didn’t always make the best choices last year; I know that, but I made some good choices. And I get to make new choices today and in the days to come.

  • the past confirms that God is present and He is good

No matter what I look back on, I see that God redeemed, restored, renewed or refreshed – even during very difficult situations. I enjoyed wonderful times with family, incredible memories, great friends, laughter, goals reached… and I prayed anguished prayers and cried over tragedies and pain. He was always there, He was always involved, and He always brought some good out of the circumstances. My past experiences tell me that He will also be there and act that way in this year ahead.

We often say, “Reality is our friend”. The past is part of our reality; the past is our friend. You might want to take time to reflect on your past year in these next days, learn from its lessons… and build on that past for an even greater future!

I’d love to hear… What has the past year taught you?

2011 in review at Maturitas Cafe

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog. Thanks for accompanying me on this new journey!

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,200 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 20 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

in front of an audience of ONE

I read a blog today about a young lady who is writing a book and receiving a lot of flack for building her “platform” – her own reputation – as she launches this effort.  It made me reflect on how much we desire to do something valuable, worthy, significant with our lives... and yet don’t want to be prideful or showy or pushy about it.

I also thought about how God sometimes chooses to put us in the spotlight – as leaders, as writers… and some are given a platform: “popular”, famous, celebrity.  Sometimes the status is short-term; sometimes it is a life-style.  Praise God for those who represent the Lord on a BIG scale… in ministry, at bookstores, in politics.  May He protect them from temptation and criticism, and may He give them energy, health and strength to share love, forgiveness and eternal life with thousands!

And for the rest of us?  God has also chosen us and given us a job.  It may not be up in front on the platform.  It may be behind the scenes, not so flashy, but every bit as important.

I am content today to have had a part the last few years developing materials for our many Campus Crusade ministries in Mexico.  None of the materials have my name on them; I earn no royalties and sign no autographs.  I spent a lot of time doing boring detail work. But the result is quality resources that encourage and empower others to step out to reach and disciple others with God’s love. Sometimes I get a little feedback, but basically I have no idea how many people will use these materials – and I will never know…

But God knows! I stand on a platform in front of an audience of ONE… and that is good enough for me. I want to give my best to Him and for Him, no matter what I am doing.

And you? Whether you are at home caring for young children, serving in the church kitchen, working in the office, leading others in a Bible study, writing a blog – or speaking to thousands at a conference – do your best for HIM!  He is your most important audience, and He is applauding your show!

**Leave me a comment and let me know about your show! I’d love to pray for you!

seis habilidades para un líder “incarnacional”

Como lo prometí en mi último post, aquí están las seis habilidades en las que podemos mejorar  con el fin de desarrollar el modelo de liderazgo “encarnacional”. Estas habilidades vienen del libro de Duane Elmer, Cross-Cultural Servanthood: Serving the World in Christlike Humility (Servicio multi-cultural: sirviendo al mundo con la humildad de Cristo).

1. ABRIRSE incluye “salir” e involucrarse en donde vive la gente y también invitar gente a “entrar” a mi casa y a mi vida = hospitalidad. La palabra hospitalidad tiene la misma raíz de la palabra hospital, dos palabras griegas que significan “amar + al desconocido.” Han evolucionaron a un significado que liga a los extraños con un lugar para sanar. La verdadera hospitalidad recibe a los demás abierta, cariñosa y libremente sin ninguna necesidad de probar nada. La hospitalidad crea una atmosfera de seguridad y protección dónde pueden propiciarse conversaciones profundas y significativas. Un aspecto interesante a considerar es que a veces honramos a otros al recibir algo de ellos en lugar de tratar de darles algo.

2. ACEPTAR es la habilidad de comunicar valor, validez y estima a otra persona, considerando a cada persona como creada al imagen de Dios y merecedora de dignidad y consideración. Un líder demuestra aceptación cuando suspende el juicio. No todos los juicios son malos, ¡pero los juicios prematuros casi siempre están equivocados! La aceptación también cree lo mejor de la gente, sin ser ingenua.

3. CONFIAR es la seguridad en una relación cuando ambas partes creen que la otra no los lastimará intencionalmente sino que actuará en beneficio del otro. La confianza se desarrolla con el tiempo y al practicar exitosamente la necesidad reciproca y la dependencia mutua. La confianza involucra riesgo emocional; es frágil y difícil de ganarla de nuevo una vez que se ha perdido.

4. APRENDER significa aprender acerca de, aprender de y aprender con otros – reconocer que todos tienen algo que ofrecer. Aprender se da mejor cuando el líder es capaz de iniciar y sostener relaciones interpersonales y cuando tiene un fuerte sentido de identidad propia. La gente que se siente cómoda con ellos mismos es también real y auténtica con los demás y evita el fingimiento en las relaciones. Escuchar activamente comunica la disposición de aprender del que habla. Otra clave para el aprendizaje son las expectativas reales y positivas. Éstas incrementan la habilidad de anticipar desafíos pero también de saber que el mejor aprendizaje vale la pena el esfuerzo.

5. ENTENDER es la habilidad de encontrar motivaciones más profundas y significados detrás de valores y comportamientos. Esto requiere buscar las “raíces” debajo de las palabras y acciones superficiales. Frecuentemente asumimos que los demás son tontos o incoherentes simplemente porque su racionamiento no es evidente para nosotros. El entendimiento trae nuevas perspectivas. Tener el hábito de preguntar ¿por qué? ¿por qué? ¿por qué? nos ayuda a incrementar nuestro entendendimiento.

6. SERVIR es la habilidad de ayudar a la gente en una manera que su dignidad sea preservada y que estén más empoderados para vivir una vida que glorifica a Dios. El servicio toma diferentes formas, dependiendo de la situación, así que no puede legislarse, forzarse o manipularse; si no es sincero, se va a notar artificial y falso.

Yo quiero ser un líder “encarnacional”, ¿y tú?