Category Archives: learning and leading

process ’til the end

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Last week I wrote a bit about “the process“… focusing mainly on the early years with a young family and times of growth and development. I am still in that process.

Sadly, this week I have been reminded more of the other side of the process… the years when life is coming to an end and it is time to prepare for a home-going.

Although I am not in that process personally just yet, I love very dear ones who are there. Their struggles cause me to reflect on life and challenge me to…

  • Live life to the fullest. This is not a new idea for me – I have heard it so many times.  But how very quickly I forget to really treasure the moment, the people in my life, and the blessings I have received each day. I lose focus easily and worry about the most insignificant things. I want to learn to get less frazzled about little things and take more time to give a hug and a smile… listen to the birds and the rain… smell the flowers and the freshly baked bread… see the good in people and respond to their needs… While I have energy and health, I want to work hard at the right things with great people and honor Him with each day.
  • Let go of the petty.  Recently I also read a sweet blog by a friend of mine about her interview with Corrie Ten Boom. It was such a powerful reminder of how important it is to forgive those that hurt me. I tend to take things personally and care too much about what people think about me. I get frustrated by indifference, criticism, gossip, lack of support. These are such small issues, but my bitterness can rob me of emotional energy and spiritual peace. I don’t want to lose precious time because of my stubbornness and unwillingness to forgive.
  • Train for the long haul.  Although it is true that good physical health may prove irrelevant at my eventual death, it is also true that good health will be a plus if I have to fight a disease at some time… and good health enables me to fully engaged in my life process today. If I exercise and eat well, I have more energy during the day and sleep better at night. I have better intellectual capacity, more stable emotions, and a better attitude for daily challenges. I don’t know how much time I have left in this world; I think it is a good idea to plan for a long ride.
  • Prepare the heart. I have already lived more years than a lot of people. I am grateful for the incredible, exciting adventure that I have had. I am especially thankful for the eternal security I have in my relationship with God. Coming to know Him in college has given purpose to my life and peace to my soul. I want to help others know Him.  I want to live for Him while I am on earth in such a way that I am ready to go home with Him whenever He calls.

So, until then, the process continues…

What is important in your process? Are you ready if your home-going is today?

it’s a process

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Get back in your chair.
Eat your food.
Chew with your mouth closed.  
Stop goofing around.
There will be no desert, if you don’t eat the vegetables.
Just try it – you might like it!

Doesn’t sound much like leadership advice, does it? I had four little ones, living far from family, and often felt like I was just hanging on by a thread.  Especially at meal times.

I remember reading a parenting book during those days where the author described family mealtimes as a treasure… all the family gathered around the table, telling stories, laughing, enjoying the togetherness… and I thought, “What planet are they from?” I couldn’t even imagine ever treasuring meal times; they were just a lot of work for me.

And those mealtimes were work – for a season.  We worked on basic manners, and we worked on gratefulness, respect, patience, self-discipline, conversation skills, and the willingness to try new things.  Character issues.  Future leader issues.

It was easy for me to get discouraged and tired and lose sight of how the small daily details fit into the big picture. It was easy to compare and feel like others were doing something more significant for the Lord…

I still struggle with that today.

But when I take time to get away with Him, God reminds me that every experience in life is an opportunity to grow and develop… or to invest and build in to others – future leaders. The small things are significant. My life matters. The daily disciplines help develop character. I just have to remember that the spilled milk and the sticky hands are all part of the process.

Do you get lost in the daily grind? What helps you remember that the process is important?

PS: Today I understand. Mealtimes with my crazy, incredible family are a treasure… but I still have to encourage them to eat their vegetables.

the gift of mentors and sponsors

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Mom ♦ Rod  ♦ Karen ♦ Cathy ♦ Sandy ♦ Greg  Steve(s) ♦ Andrea ♦ Judy(s) ♦ Henry ♦ Suzi Sharon ♦ Denise ♦ Layo ♦ Marcy ♦ Lulu     Ray ♦ Kendra ♦ Eric ♦ Ron ♦ Nancy(s)…

I have been incredibly blessed by mentors throughout my life. People who cared about me, invested their life into mine, challenged me and helped me grow. Some are family. Some are friends. Some were my boss. Some are authors I have never met. Some are co-workers. Some live nearby. Some I observed from a distance. Some are older, others younger. Some are like me. Some are practically my opposite in every way.

                                                                                                                                 

No one person was “everything” for me, but they have each played very important roles in my life:

  • taught me skills
  • introduced me to Jesus
  • challenged my selfishness
  • let me cry on their shoulder
  • encouraged me to speak and write
  • laughed with me
  • brought in fresh perspective
  • coached me through decisions
  • lived a godly example for me
  • offered grace
  • gave me feedback
  • shared from experience
  • corrected me
  • drank coffee with me
  • gave me hope
  • prayed for me

There have been many times in my life when I wasn’t sure what to do… when I wanted to give up… when I felt overwhelmed or beat up… when I wasn’t sure about a decision… when I needed help. These mentors spurred me on, built my confidence and strengthened my character. They helped me get through the hard times, and they encouraged me to take steps of faith and continue reaching for more.

I have also had opportunities to mentor others. One of my favorite things to do is to encourage and empower young leaders. Business gurus and discipleship experts say that we all need mentors. Sometimes mentoring and coaching is not a formal part of the organizational structure; then I need to take the initiative to make it happen.

When I want to advance and lead, I also need a sponsor – someone with positional power to make networking connections and advocacy recommendations for specific jobs and promotions. This is especially true for me as a women. Even though I often find mentors – formally or informally, I also need to have sponsors in advanced positions who can speak for me and give me opportunities. One aspect of my leadership positions that motivates me is that I can serve as a sponsor for others.

Thank you to each of you who believed in me. You are priceless treasures. You helped me believe in myself. I will be forever grateful.

Do you have a mentor and/or sponsor?  Are you mentoring someone?

are you happy to see me?

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My dog Mandy loves me. She wags her whole body as soon as she sees me. She dances a little jig, and if I would let her, she would joyfully do a five foot vertical leap to kiss me smack on the lips. Sometimes I forget to feed her on time, sometimes her water dish goes dry, sometimes I don’t give her any attention all day… It doesn’t matter; I don’t deserve it, but she is always happy to see me. 

People aren’t like that.

Henry Cloud, Patrick Lencioni and others state that one of the most important elements in relationships is trust… and I have to deserve it; I have to build it; I have to earn it. I have learned a lot about trust from Henry Cloud’s book, Integrity.

  • The first way that I earn trust is by connecting authentically with others. People feel like I connect with them if I listen for understanding – really hear them, with empathy and validation for their concerns. Connection happens when the people I work with feel that I truly value them, that I care, that I invest in them. I will not always do what they suggest, but they know I will hear them out, consider their ideas, and never discount how I affect them with my actions.
  • Trust is also built by looking out for other’s interests. Cloud calls this “extending favor”. In other words, I am “watching their back”, and I am on their side. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have goals or performance standards, but it means that I will do all I can to help, train, encourage or provide resources so that others are successful. If I have built trust, they can be confident that I will always speak well of them, and I will always speak up for them. They never have to worry that they might “get on my bad side” or that I might turn on them.
  • I also build trust by balancing power and vulnerability. Others can trust me when they see that I make things happen and get things down. I earn trust when I am competent and responsible, and when I follow through with what I said I would do. On the flip side, I also need to acknowledge my mistakes and faults at times. When I am authentic about my own challenges, others gain courage to face their own. When I am honest about my weaknesses and needs, others can identity; they are often willing to help, and we build more trust in the process.

Since trust is the basis of relationships, I need be constantly evaluating how I am doing in my relationships at work and at home. Am I connecting? Do they know I care? Do they know that I am “for” them?  Can they depend on me to get things done? Have I been real with them?

Are they happy to see me?

How do you build trust? How have others earned your trust?

(** If you enjoyed this post, you might also like “how’s my wake?” – more from Henry Cloud’s book, Integrity.)

a place to belong, a place to become

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We are finishing 17+ years of ministry in Mexico; we are sorting through our stuff, passing the baton… and my husband has been putting up (very) old pictures on Facebook. Some of those years of ministry were amazing – incredible growth, excitement, impact. As I reflected on that time, I realized we were living out our values. Those values are still relevant today as we move forward…

Faith: We all trusted God for big things and took steps of faith. We moved our family – with four young children – to a different country and started something new where there was nothing. We led an international team; many of them had also left their comfort zone and moved from their homes. Students took steps of faith to begin a relationship with God even when they faced family and friends’ rejection. Staff and students shared their faith boldly with others, took on new responsibilities, asked God to take charge of their future.

Where is God asking me to take a step of faith?

Development – Growth:  We committed to growing in community and building others to be all they could be. We prayed for our teammates and disciples, and created and followed through with semester plans for basic teaching, experiences, retreats, summer projects, etc. to provide an environment for growth. We worked in teams and shared leadership often. We moved out of the way and let others lead. We invited in teams from other places. We learned from them; they learned from us.

What am I doing to develop personally and those around me?

Effectiveness – Fruitfulness: We cared about results. Effectiveness meant fruit of changed lives – for eternity. We evaluated our goals and progress regularly – individually and organizationally. We asked for feedback from others and willingly changed the format of the meetings, tried crazy ideas, invented new materials. Sometimes we did something different to compensate for a weakness, sometimes to adjust for incredible growth. We did not settle for status quo.

Have I done an honest evaluation lately? Do I need to make some changes for greater effectiveness?

Unity: Our work on campus had incredible unity in purpose and personal relationships. Different cultures, backgrounds, fields of study, ages came to learn and grow together. Our early theme was ” a place to belong, a place to become“. Our teams of staff and students worked hard, side by side to create amazing skits, parties, outreaches, and conferences for a vision and passion bigger than themselves. Students sacrificed their time and money for each other. New people were welcome and deep, authentic, caring, long-lasting friendships came from studying the Word, praying, …and eating and playing together!  

What am I doing to build unity with my team or my organization?  

Integrity: Along with all the fun, there were also tough times. We confronted lying, bribery, immorality, interpersonal conflicts, suicide attempts – temptations and spiritual battles of all kinds. We did not ignore, hide, or excuse any behavior that might be a seed of division between people and God. We taught that God cares about every part of us; we cannot have sin in one area without it affecting the rest of us. We tried to live that example also.

Is there an area of my life that lacks integrity?

How would you respond to those questions? How do you make where you work or minister a place to belong and a place to become?

(**If you were involved in the ministry, please share with us what you remember!)

caring for our calling

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Living out my calling as an image bearer and partner in God’s purposes is the great life adventure. My calling has value, power and purpose. God offers me abundant life, but the enemy of my soul would like to restrict and control me. I have identified four threats I battle in order to care for my calling.

                                                          CLICHÉ: As I mentioned in an earlier blog, human-made “rules”, communicated as cliché men’s and women’s roles, can inhibit my calling. Although I do not find clearly delineated role lists in the Bible, I do find lists of spiritual gifts. These gifts do not have gender limitations; there is incredible variety and freedom, and they are very important for determining my personal calling focus.

If I am gifted in prayer, service, mercy, teaching, leadership, exhortation, evangelism, or discernment, my particular gift(s) will show up as I work out my calling – at home, work and ministry. Self-evaluations and confirmation by others have helped me know how God has gifted me. When I operate out of my gifted-ness, I experience both great fruitfulness and great joy.

CULTURE: Having lived and worked internationally for many years, I have heard cultural excuses for limiting men’s and women’s opportunities and responsibilities.  Although I have a deep respect for culture influences, Biblical truth is my greater standard. Every culture has wonderful richness that we can glean, but no culture is perfect. Some culture norms go strongly against God’s commands. Jesus acted very counter-culturally in His interactions with women, in His service to the disciples, and in His encounters with sinners. When I choose to go “against the flow”, it sometimes carries a price – from subtle scoffing to strong criticism – but my most important priority is to honor God… and sometimes I get to demonstrate a new healthy example for others also.

COMPARISON: I am often my own worst enemy. Problems arise when I compare my gifts and desire another’s, or “grade” the gifts with different values. I criticize and judge others (“It’s not spiritual to…”) or struggle with feelings of inferiority and less value (“I should do more of …”). I take sides and disapprove of contrasting work choices, roles in marriage, and ministry involvement rather than embracing differences and expressing acceptance to others. Comparison is a powerful and effective weapon of the enemy. I’ve learned that I can fight comparison by giving grace and encouraging others instead.

COERCION: The extreme side of control is coercion – abuse, violence, exploitation. While I have never experienced these extremes, others do – especially women. Anytime I attribute less value to another (jokes, insults, inequity), I disrespect God’s calling for that person and weaken defenses against coercion. I am learning to respect and defend God’s value and purpose for every person.

One last thought… I can lay down any of my gifts/abilities/passions voluntarily and joyfully for a season – moment, day, …years even, in order to care for or serve another. Jesus limited himself for a time for us. However, that decision should not be imposed by clichés, culture, comparison or coercion… and it should always be done in the context of my value as an image bearer and my calling to be involved in God’s purposes.

I encourage you to get to know your unique gifting – also consider personality, experience, stage of life, etc – and then engage wholeheartedly in reflecting God’s image to a lost world. Enjoy the adventure!

cleaning house, cooking meals and a greater cause

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I came to know Christ personally in college and like many young single ladies, I started hearing immediately how to catch the man of my dreams be the submissive, supportive, spiritually attractive woman who would cause some dreamy man to pursue me. For those of you who know me, that was no easy task!

If you had asked me years ago about my marriage, I would have obligingly regurgitated many of the cliché Christian lingo regarding men’s and women’s roles that I had read in books and learned in seminars… woman is the “helpmeet” while man “works” and makes the decisions; woman’s job is to keep a clean home, fix nutritious meals, keep the kids under control, and be a great lover so the man is always content. If the woman is more gifted in an area than the man, she should limit herself and focus on making him look good. Somehow what the man does is always slightly more important because he is the “head”. (Disclaimer: I’m not sure that is always exactly what was actually said, but it is what I heard.)

I have been married now for almost 30 years – most of them quite happily – to my dream man (dreams can vary depending on the evening snack!). We have four amazing children. I was talking with one of them when he was home for Christmas, and we somehow arrived to the topic of marriage. As we talked, I realized my husband and I never really lived out that marriage cliché.

Instead, in our marriage, we were partners, co-workers and friends – both with equal value as God’s image bearers and part of His body. We made decisions together. We both cleaned house if needed – or even hired someone (a perk of being an international missionary) so that I could invest more time in homeschooling our children. I’ve cooked; we’ve had help cooking, and my husband does most of the cooking these days. We were both very involved with our children. We mutually submitted to each other’s needs. The truth is… we both saw home and family as a priority and a joy, but there were no specific rules about who should do what, and it often changed depending on the need.

We were also both involved in ministry. I realize now that was in perfect alignment with God’s Word… and the correct and complete understanding of that word “helpmeet”. The word translated “helpmeet” in Genesis 2:18 comes from the Hebrew words ezer kenegdo; ezer means help, and the word kenegdo implies a counterpart. The word is found in a military context and is used 19 additional times in the Old Testament – three times for country allies and sixteen times for God Himself when Israel needed help in battle. Since the same word that we use for women is used for God, I believe it implies incredible value and strength. God meant for women to be full-partner, strong warriors with men in the spiritual battles we fight against evil in this world.

Many of the decisions my husband and I made through the years were to enable me to participate as a full partner in the battle for God’s kingdom. I have hobbies, but much more importantly, I have a calling from God. Different life stages mean different daily tasks, but what I choose to do is important. Rather than limit my gifting, it is crucial for me to continually grow and develop, so that I can serve the Lord better at home and in ministry.

If you are a woman reading this blog, I encourage you to further study your calling as a co-warrior in God’s kingdom battle. I learned a lot from Carolyn Custis James’ book Half the Church. Your partnership strengthens God’s army. No matter your marital status, your stage of life, or your lifestyle… you have been called to be all you can be for Him! Never see yourself as less important. We all have daily tasks to do, but we should do them within the context of our primary calling. Never put limits on what you can do for Him.

If you are a man reading this, please consider being an active advocate for the women in your life. Encourage them in their worth and development, and facilitate in any way possible their full involvement in God’s Kingdom purposes.

_____

**I dedicate this blog to my incredible husband, Steve: my greatest fan, my most enthusiastic encourager, and my strongest advocate. You should follow him on twitter at @stickymex and read his blog: LeaderImpact or EquipoVida

I also want to thank my professor, Dr. Ray Wheeler, (Azusa Pacific – M.A. Global Leadership) for believing in me and helping me to believe more in myself.

follow the leader is no game

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The last few years, I have been in many positions of leadership. At the same time, I have always had a boss, a director or a leader over me.  I have heard seminars, been to trainings and read books about leading… I have never received input about following well.

In the New Testament, Jesus spoke of following much more often than He did of leading. It is clear that following is a choice – following Him or following the enemy. Thinking about it, I realize that being a good follower is really important. As I follow others, I reflect how well I follow Jesus.  I want to be a good follower.

What does being a good follower mean? I’ve grouped some of my first thoughts into three simple categories so I can easily evaluate how I am doing…

ATTITUDES: Heart attitude is the first place for me to look.

  • Do I pray for my leader? I mean do I really pray regularly, specifically, taking the initiative to ask about their needs? During my years as a national leader, I could count on one hand the people who asked me how they could pray for me. That was hard – I often felt alone.  I want my leaders to know that they can count on me to pray for them.
  • Do I believe the best of them?  No leader is perfect – far from it. I know I forgot to say thank you, arrived late, planned poorly, lacked vision, acted selfishly, and criticized others at times… but it was never because I woke up in the morning and decided, “I am going to intentionally be a bad leader and do harm to some people today.” Do I believe my leaders want to do their best? Do I give them grace to fail? Am I patient before passing judgement?

WORDS: Do my words indicate that I am a good follower?

  • Do I tell my leader “thank you” when I see them work hard, when they do something well, when they invest in my development? How do I speak about my leader to others? Do I express respect for their position and them personally? Do I encourage others to do the same?
  • If I don’t agree with something, do I go directly to them to clarify and understand the issue? When I led, I was so grateful for those who came and spoke to me directly – even if they were frustrated or angry with me. Those difficult conversations ultimately strengthened our relationship. Unfortunately, they were few. More often gossip, behind the back criticism, and mutiny damaged relationships. I have committed to speak directly with my leader if I am unsure of something, if I don’t agree, or if I am hurt. No excuses.

ACTIONS: Do I support my leader/boss/director with my actions?

  • Do I bring a positive attitude, a servant spirit, and a learner mindset to the job each day? Or do I act entitled? Demand perks? Have a victim mindset?
  • Do I do the best work that I can for my leader? Do I work hard my full hours, take the initiative to offer suggestions, do a quality job? Do I do what I am asked? Am I honest, responsible and trustworthy? Is my leader more effective because I have his/her back?

It is worth asking, “Would I want me as a follower?”

Help me learn… What do you look for in a good follower?  What do you think is important for someone to follow well?

teamwork magic #2 – working together

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Once you have formed your dream team, now the magic begins, right? Not exactly… In the real world, working effectively together always requires commitment and work. Here are a few tips I have learned from the “hard knocks” of experience…

Pray together: Do not neglect the power of prayer to build relationships and provide wisdom for the job. Share personal requests and pray fervently for the issues you face together in the ministry.

Develop as a team: Be committed to learning and growing together. No one on the team already knows everything there is to know about each other, about teamwork, or about the challenges you face on the job.  A healthy team will set aside some time in every meeting to discuss a book they are reading together, listen to a podcast, or visit with a mentor.  If possible, get away once or twice a year for a more in-depth time of development; take the Birkman as a team, process a 360 evaluation, or attend a conference together.

Destroy Silos: Watch out for team members who can not or will not focus on the good of the team. They may feel passionate for or overwhelmed by their own responsibilities; but mature team players learn to “wear more than one hat” and to prioritize the overall well-being of the organization. Help each team member to be successful in their area, but do not allow a team member to give preferential treatment to their staff only.

Improve Communication Skills: Prepare a team pact and team norms… and review and apply them diligently. Discuss together how you will ensure that everyone is heard during meetings.  How will you draw in the introverts and control the extroverts?  Learn new brainstorming and creative thinking tools. Decide together what kind of issues will come to the table for team discussion and which issues can be dealt with by empowered individuals or task forces. Use visuals and share meeting facilitation and presentations so that all can improve their skills.

Practice Biblical Conflict Resolution: Do not allow passive-aggressive behaviors: procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or gossip.  Be super-committed to protecting each other in word and deed.  Do not allow a member to condescend to a decision in the meeting and then sabotage the implementation later. Deal with conflict quickly and directly; use love, tact, and grace. Follow up on agreed upon necessary changes. Never settle for cordial artificial peace with teammates; true respect and unity is so much better.

Implement Decision Making Processes: Different processes are appropriate for different decisions depending on scope and complexity.  Sometimes a team member decides, sometimes the director determines, sometimes the majority rules, sometimes consensus is the best option… If you use consensus, watch out for team members who consistently stall every important decision. When you find that you cannot make progress in important areas, it is probably time to use a different process.

Have fun: Healthy teams enjoy being together – at work and at play. Celebrate accomplishments, goals reached, and personal achievements. Use music, color, food, humor and venue change to keep the “magic” in your times together.

What do you think adds the “magic” to teamwork?

is there magic in teams?

Aside

Sometimes we act as if we can put a few random people together, call them a team, and we will automatically obtain magical results. All of a sudden, miraculously people will be happier, progress will be faster, productivity will be greater.

I love working on teams.
I have had incredibly positive experiences working on highly effective teams. I have also had horrendously miserable experiences working on dysfunctional teams. I can tell you… there is nothing magical about a team! Healthy, effective, highly productive teams require work – preliminary work in forming the team… and continual effort working together as a team.

From my experience, these are some of the most important errors to avoid when building a leadership team: 

  • If you are going to have a team leader – have a good one.

Do not pick a leader just because he is a “nice guy”. Do not pick a leader who has no vision for the team or who isn’t willing to work hard to turn the vision into reality. On the other hand, do not pick a leader who is a control-freak or who is hesitant or incapable of building and developing the people around them. If you are considering someone who has a track record of feeble results or a history of working alone… don’t do it!

If at all possible, pick a leader who has a proven track record as a visionary who also makes things happen by working together well with others. If that person doesn’t exist at the time, it might be better to create a “peer team” and share the leadership responsibilities. Consider term limits – you don’t want to place someone in leadership who won’t step aside so others can lead in the future.

  • Consider the emotional and spiritual maturity of each potential team member. 

Do not invite team members who constantly criticize (very different from critical thinkers) and complain. Do not accept people who take all the credit for themselves when there is success and then act as victims or blame others when challenges come. Steer clear of anyone who evades honest evaluation and direct communication. Unhealthy people = unhealthy teams.

You are not looking for perfect people, but rather people who are learning and growing – if possible, those with a track record of healthy relationships with others… those who know they aren’t perfect and openly recognize their need for others, and those who walk humbly with their God and give grace to others. Choose those who actively pursue community and accountability in their life… who have a good attitude and encourage others.

  • Don’t just yell desperately for “help” and take anyone who comes running.

(Been there. Done that. Paid the consequences.) Sometimes the people who respond to a crisis actually like crisis… and continue to create them in order to stay busy helping to fix them. This is not a good person for your team. Do not choose people simply because of seniority. Do not choose people just to fill the gap.

In the long run, it is better to learn a position empty, than to fill it with the wrong person. Evaluate your own strengths and weaknesses and those of your present team members – if you have one. Have an idea of where you want to go, and then recruit intentionally – more admin, more vision, more HR, more Ops, more crazy, more fun… depending on the need. Choose people who bring skill, experience, and excellence in their area of expertise. Add diversity (age/gender/nationality/etc) whenever possible.

Now ask yourself… do I work well with others, dream visions and get things done? Am I humble and growing? Do I bring value and excellence to our team?  

Would others want me on their team? Would I add to the “magic”?

Let’s learn together… What has been your experience with forming a team?

(In the next blog, I will write about working together as a team.)