Tag Archives: choices

crash and burn

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computer crashI’ve been burning the candle at both ends for a while now. Not much margin. Not much sleep. Running late. Not remembering all I have to do. Just barely keeping my head above water… sometimes going under.

Last night I sank.

I have spent many, many hours during the last few months transitioning to a new computer. I have a definite love-hate relationship with that process. Its is nice to have more speed, more space, and new apps, but I dread the work it takes to set the new computer up with my programs, information, and personal settings. This new computer seemed more difficult than others before. More frustrations, more questions, more things I didn’t like… but I almost had it working the way I like…

and then it crashed last night! Dead. Black screen. No coming back.

We called technical support, and they hinted that it was probably my fault somehow – that didn’t help my frustration level (just saying). I have to ship it away, and it will be two weeks before I get it back.

Guess what? I haven’t left myself enough margin in my life for a two-week detour! I don’t have enough “free” time to do that transition work all over again. But it doesn’t really matter. I will have to find time to repeat the process.

I have been wrestling with my bad attitudes, panic, and discouragement all day. I am also feeling guilty for having my life wound up so tightly that this kind of bump in the road has me so flustered.

I mentioned my crisis in a Facebook status and received lots of empathy and encouragement – that has helped. I had my data backed up. I actually have an old computer I can use, so I remember to be grateful and not complain too strongly when others around the world have none. And I am wondering what other lessons I might need to learn…

Do I need to make some schedule changes? Am I reverting to old habits of few healthy boundaries? Is this just an inevitable season of life or a result of bad choices? What can I change to handle situations like this better in the future?

Have you been through a crash and burn experience? How do you handle it?

making choices

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house search
I am a house hunter.
Hopefully just for a little while longer. My husband and I are settling in a new city and looking for a place to live. We have rented internationally for a long time. Now we are going to buy a home.

It has been quite the process.

I have been receiving emails for months that tempt me with the new offerings in my supposed price range. We have picked a realtor to help us search. Friends have made suggestions. We have scanned the internet realty webpages. We have looked at many maps and driven many miles through many neighborhoods and walked through many future home possibilities. Price per square foot, HOA fees, room layouts and sizes, finishings and amenities overwhelm our conversations.

Which style is me?

What do I like? What do I want? Big or small? Modern or cozy? Privacy or community? Move-in-ready or fixer-upper? Yard or carefree? Close to school district or mall? Stretch the budget or live simply?

Comparing with others only makes it worse. We know many people in the area. Some live in gorgeous, spacious homes; others in small efficient condos. Some have a pool; others a lake view. Some are amazingly decorated and organized; others are cluttered and in need of a few up-grades.

I have reflected on everything about me.

There was a day when my choice had more to do with my children and my job. What they needed was priority and simplified the options. Today I have very few real needs in a house, so it is just my chosen lifestyle that makes the determination. How do I like to spend my time? What is most important to me?

I want to be ok with who I am and my choices and not feel pressure to be like someone else.

I think the pressure and the comparison will always be there. Even at my age, I still struggle with wanting to be liked, wanting to fit it, and wanting to be someone I am not. Sometimes other people make it harder… questioning my desires and my decisions. Are you sure you want that? Wouldn’t you rather have this?

Over the years it has gotten easier. I am getting more comfortable in my own skin, but I don’t know if I will ever get over it completely.

So the search continues… for my house… and for my own identity.

How do you deal with choices and comparison? What helps you feel content with your uniquely created identity?

broken hearts

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free image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

One of my children broke my heart the other day. They made a poor choice that really disappointed me. I hurt for them and for the other people involved.

That was not the first time I hurt for one of my very normal, very imperfect children… and I am sure it won’t be the last time.

I’m confident that my children often have no idea how their choices and actions affect me as their mom. They certainly pay the major part the actual physical, emotional, and financial consequences, but there is a ripple effect from all they do.

As a parent, I carry part of their experience with me. I grieve the unfulfilled dreams and hopes I had for them. My heart aches for their loss. I cry for their pain. I pray for further growth and maturity. My soul yearns for their forgiveness and healing.

GRACE

I have learned through my own mistakes over the years that grace is a precious gift to receive during times of pain. My children are usually completely aware of their error; they don’t need judgement, criticism or lectures. They do need to know that – whatever happens – I love them still.

CHOICES

I need grace too. I could beat myself up with self-doubts, guilt and second-guessing. Was there a lack in my parenting that somehow “caused” this? Did I not hug, teach or discipline enough? Although I already know that my parenting is not perfect, it was helpful when a friend reminded me that even God – the perfect Father – has imperfect, mistake-ridden, continually erring children. Our situations are very rarely simple cause and effect. Each one makes their own choices.

NEED

In the midst of the ups and downs of life, my (almost adult) children need me. Some times they need someone to listen; other times then need a long, strong hug. Some times they need practical help; some times they need me to “just” pray and give them time and space to work things out. Some times they need advice, counsel and the encouragement to reconcile, restore and choose better the next time.

…because there will be a next time. I would do almost anything to protect my children from pain. When they were very little, I could fool myself occasionally into thinking that I could control their environment and choices. I know better now.

The question is not IF my children will avoid poor choices and pain. Instead WHEN they are hurt and hurt others, the question is HOW will I respond?

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How do you respond to your children’s (or others’) poor choices? What helps you respond well?

how much is enough?

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I’ve been back in the US for about a week now. At times I have felt at home; other times I can’t help noticing the differences and feeling like an alien in a strange land. So many things here are bigger, cleaner, more organized and more modern. Streets are smooth, aisles are wide, packing spaces are huge.

On the other hand, people seem busier. They “eat and run”. They are constantly connected to their technology – even in the middle of our conversation. I have to remind myself that is normal behavior here and not get offended. People have SO MUCH STUFF, but they talk about always wanting more. My mind wanders to the memories of children without shoes, one room homes without indoor plumbing, adults who don’t know how to read…

A few times I have been literally overwhelmed by the number of options available. Shopping at Walmart with my sister caused me a few “I’m freaking out!” moments. Rows and rows of cereal, cheese, coffee and bread varieties. I stood completely jaw-dropped in front of the ice cream doors… how do you ever decide? How many kinds of ice cream can there be?

My next shock came as we filled our cups at a new touch screen self-serve soft drink machine. There were about 16 first options on the screen: Coke, Pepsi, Danzini water, Powerade, Rootbear, Sprite, Lemonade, etc. … but each of those choices led to a second screen with five to eight additional options: cherry, orange, vanilla, raspberry, lime, cherry vanilla, caffeine free and more!! … and of course, you could mix drinks if you wanted… a practically infinite number of combinations! How many different drinks could people want?

Anther day we visited a craft store. Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations are already available… next to the red, white and blue for the 4th of July. Innumerable candles, baskets, ribbons, silk flowers filled my vision. The scrap-booking aisles took my breath away… so many stickers, papers, buttons, and miniature decorations!! How many paper options can a person need?

It seems I keep asking myself, how much is enough? Ask my husband, I tend to really like options. I don’t believe nice, decorative things are bad… even God created many beautiful parts of creation that don’t have a defined useful value… they are just pretty and display His glory. I don’t believe it is somehow more inspirational to live poor. I think many of these options I am experiencing demonstrate incredible creativity, ingenuity and a desire to make things better and meet people’s needs. But, sometimes there are obvious gluttony, selfishness, and entitlement attitudes present…. I don’t have an answer, but I am asking the question.

What do you think? How do you know… How much is enough?

use the past to build your future

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Facebook and Twitter are full of “new beginnings” this month… everyone with thoughts of leaving behind the last year and starting fresh.  I love the idea of new starts, but I have been thinking about the fact that it is also important to build on the past – not just wipe it away and forget about it.

The past year is important for building the future.

  • the past shows me where I need to grow

It is a humbling experience to review the past year and recognize where I messed up or where someone pointed out that I needed to grow. I remember work reviews that indicated my leadership weaknesses. I remember apologizing to my co-workers because my stress level made me critical and grumpy. I remember comments on my MA papers that indicated writing methods I didn’t know or challenged me to “step it up” and take more risk. There will be many opportunities for me to grow this next year. I wrote about an idea for recording some of these areas now so I can look back at the end of the year and see the difference!

  • the past reminds me that I am not in control

There were so many things that happened last year that I would not have done that way IF I was in control. I would not have had so many dear people die, or struggle with cancer, or get hurt by mean comments, or struggle to pay bills, or … But I couldn’t stop that pain, and I couldn’t make other good things happen that I wanted. God is God, and I am not. The past reminds me of that truth for today and the future.

  • the past teaches that I can make choices every day

I get to decide HOW I will handle what happens each day. Will I greet adversity with faith or fear? Will I treat people with love or with judgement? Will I spend time in reflection or be too busy for that? Will I waste my time, or will I invest in my health, energy, experience and resources to help others? I didn’t always make the best choices last year; I know that, but I made some good choices. And I get to make new choices today and in the days to come.

  • the past confirms that God is present and He is good

No matter what I look back on, I see that God redeemed, restored, renewed or refreshed – even during very difficult situations. I enjoyed wonderful times with family, incredible memories, great friends, laughter, goals reached… and I prayed anguished prayers and cried over tragedies and pain. He was always there, He was always involved, and He always brought some good out of the circumstances. My past experiences tell me that He will also be there and act that way in this year ahead.

We often say, “Reality is our friend”. The past is part of our reality; the past is our friend. You might want to take time to reflect on your past year in these next days, learn from its lessons… and build on that past for an even greater future!

I’d love to hear… What has the past year taught you?