Category Archives: learning and leading

building a reputation

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photo courtesy of myfear
Creative Commons license

Earlier this week, something was missing in my home after someone visited our “yard sale”. I was very frustrated because I thought the person had stolen from me. A day later, it actually turned out that I was mistaken; the item was found in an out-of-the-ordinary corner. I felt bad about my incorrect judgment of the person, and was grateful I hadn’t acted immediately on my suspicion. As I discussed the incident with a friend, I also learned something… I recognized how the person’s prior behaviors had caused me to think they that might actually be capable of stealing. In past visits, this same person had changed price tags, tore off tickets in hope of getting a lower price, and argued constantly pressuring for a better deal.  Nothing all that “bad”, but the accumulation of those prior small, negative behaviors had left me with a tainted view of that person’s character. 

I began to think about how the seemingly insignificant, minor daily choices regarding words and actions actually build a reputation… and how other people pre-determine their expectations of future behavior based on that reputation.

I began to consider… how are my actions and words building my reputation with others? Based on my past behavior, how do others think I will react in a future situation? If something was missing, would they think that maybe I took it?

Now maybe stealing is not actually an issue for me, but if gossip were going around, would others think I started it? If someone was hurt, would others suspect that I caused it? If someone felt unappreciated, would others consider that it was probably my fault? Do others avoid talking with me, because they expect me to react words that are critical or demanding?

Or, reflecting on how I have spoken and responded in the past, can others count on me to help? Can they expect me to tell the truth? Do they think I will treat others with love and grace? That I will handle a situation with integrity? That I will have patience?

Challenging questions to ask… How are my daily words and actions building my reputation? Based on my reputation, how do others expect me to behave?

who are you?

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The last few weeks have been full of farewell gatherings  – special times to say good-bye after 17+ years here in Mexico. People attended that I met on our arrival here and others who have only recently come into my life. So many different personalities, abilities, and shared activities that have shaped my experience.

A bit of reflection caused me to remember something I learned a long time ago about the different people who pass through our lives… here is my version of a few of them:

VTP (very treasured people)

These people are one-of-a-kind-awesome. Family. Close friends. Mentors. Encouragers. These are the ones who I miss when I’m not with them, whose e-mail I open immediately when it comes through, whose call I run to take.  These are the ones that really care about me; they are well aware that I’m not perfect, but they accept me, forgive me, love me, pray for me, and believe in me. In most cases, this relationship is reciprocal – I am also a VTP for them.  This is an elite group, and these very treasured people are the ones that have caused my eyes to overfill with tears and who I have hugged tightly because I don’t want to ever let go.

VIP (very important people)

I may not be as close with these people, but they are still special to me. I always enjoy being with them; I love hearing about their lives and families; I often wish we could get more time together.  These people are givers, not takers.  They add to my life.  They are dreamers, learners, doers.  They motivate me by their hearts and their actions. They are positive, authentic and growing. They have challenged my opinions; bettered my ideas; confronted me, and worked out our conflicts face to face. Very important people put a smile on my face when we are together, and I look forward to being with them again. I am grateful to have so many of these people in my life. My life is rich because of them.

VDP (very draining people)

I wish this was not a category, but VDP’s are part of my life too. Thankfully, they are not a big group. Some of these people are basically “nice; they just happen to be “needy”… takers instead of givers. They only seek me out when they want something from me.  On the other hand, some of these people are not so nice… they are negative, critical, and usually complaining about something. They talk behind my back rather than clarify with me; they criticize instead of helping; they have hurt those I care about. These have worn me down and worn me out. These are the ones who offer the superficial, obligatory handshake or kiss on the cheek, but hardly make eye contact.  I honestly won’t miss them…

Each person who touches my life helps form my character, as I do for others. The VDP’s (very draining people) in my life have actually taught me important lessons about finding my true identity, setting up helpful boundaries, and what I don’t want to do to others. I need to limit the amount of time I spend with people who drain me. Mark Twain said,  “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” I hope and pray, as I learn and grow, that I will appear very infrequently on others’ VDP lists.

On the other hand, I would like to be a VIP (very important people) for many – I want to add to their life: a hug, a laugh, a resource, a listening ear… and I consider it an incredible blessing to be a VTP (very treasured people) for a few. I need to make sure I get lots of time with these people!

How about you? Do you know who are the VTP, VIP, and VDP in your life? Are you getting the right amount of time with each group?  … And who are you for others?

happy 1st anniversary, maturitas cafe!

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I wish I could invite you to my Maturitas Cafe coffee shop for a free just-your-style coffee (or tea!) “on-the-house” in honor of our 1st year anniversary! Maybe we would request a basket of Mexican sweet bread for the table to celebrate. In an ideal world, we would definitely have sunshine lightly entering through the windows and energetic, lively music playing in the background… It would be such a treat for me to visit and talk with you!

I have been blogging for a year now… hard to believe! Some of the stats milestones:

  • over 5000 views (wow! that’s kind-of exciting for a newbie like me…)
  • grown from 5 to 50 views per day (that’s fun!)
  • over 80 posts (this has not been easy for me…)
  • over 250 comments (thanks for interacting!)
  • 30 regular followers (please do follow, if you enjoy the posts!)
  • 164  # of views on my busiest day
  • top blog for the year “cleaning house, cooking meals and a greater cause“

All in all, blogging has been a great mental challenge for me this year. I have learned about widgets and pingbacks, WordPress and twitter, tags and hyperlinks, word counts and (a little) html… It has been invigorating (at times frustrating) to push myself into something new. I have learned to process and summarize my thoughts, take feedback, increase my vocabulary, and be more creative.

My favorite part has been connecting with dear friends and making new friends – other bloggers, visitors from all parts of the world, friends of friends. Since busyness and geography make it impossible for us to visit regularly face-to-face, I am grateful for this media means to share and interact with you. I so appreciate your visits, I love reading your comments and learning from you, and I look forward to connecting with you more in the months to come!

The hardest part for me is the discipline to write regularly. Blogging helps me to set aside time to reflect on life’s experiences and lessons. As a true extrovert, I would much prefer to just talk out my thoughts – although they would often be an uncontrolled, jumbled, free-flowing mess! Here you get the sanitized, edited, organized me. 🙂

No telling what next year will bring… but I pray I’ll be growing, processing, influencing, leading and living for Him. I hope you’ll accompany me on the journey!

What is something new that you are learning?

¡feliz primer aniversario, maturitas café!

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Como me gustaría poder invitarte a mi cafetería Maturitas Café por un café gratis (o té) justo-como-te-gusta, “la casa invita” en honor de nuestro ¡primer aniversario! Quizá podríamos ordenar una canasta de pan dulce mexicano para celebrar. En el mundo ideal, tendríamos la luz del sol entrando por la ventana y música energética y vivaz escuchándose de fondo…¡sería un increíble regalo para mi poder visitarte y platicar contigo!

Ya he estado escribiendo este blog por un año… ¡difícil de creer! Algunos hitos estádisticos:

  • más de 5000 visitas (¡wow! Es emocionante para una novata como yo…)
  • aumentó de 5 a 50 visitas por día (¡qué divertido!)
  • más de 80 publicaciones (esto no ha sido fácil para mí…)
  • más de 250 comentarios (¡gracias por la interacción!)
  • 30 seguidores regulares (si te gustan las publicaciones, ¡por favor, conviértete en seguidor!)
  • El mayor número de visitas en un día: ¡164!
  • La publicación más visto del año: “limpiar la casa, cocinar y una gran causa“

Al final de todo, escribir este blog ha sido un desafío mental para mí este año. He aprendido acerca de widgets y pingbacks, WordPress y twitter, etiquetas e hipervínculos, contador de palabras y (un poco) de html… Ha sido vigorizante (a veces frustrante) forzarme a mí misma a hacer algo nuevo. He aprendido a procesar y resumir mis pensamientos, a recibir retroalimentación, a aumentar mi vocabulario y a ser más creativa.

Mi parte favorita ha sido conectarme con amigos queridos y hacer nuevos amigos –otros escritores de blogs, visitas de todas partes del mundo y amigos de amigos. Ya que las ocupaciones y la geografía nos impiden visitarnos regularmente y vernos cara a cara, estoy agradecida por tener este medio para compartir e interactuar contigo. ¡Aprecio tus visitas, me encanta leer tus comentarios y aprender de ti, y espero conectarme más contigo en los siguientes meses!

Lo más difícil para mí es la disciplina de escribir regularmente. Escribir un blog me ayuda a apartar un tiempo para reflexionar sobre las experiencias y las lecciones de la vida. Como una verdadera extrovertida, preferiría sólo decir mis pensamientos – ¡aunque frecuentemente serían un incontrolable,  confuso e imparable desorden! Aquí recibes la versión purificada, editada y organizada de mí. 🙂

No sé lo que viene el siguiente año… pero voy a orar para crecer, procesar, influenciar, liderar y vivir para Él. ¡Espero que me acompañes en la travesía!

¿Qué es algo nuevo que estás aprendiendo?

a tribute to mom

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Years ago, I heard about writing a “tribute” to my mom. The idea is to write out a special thank you letter, including stories, memories, lessons learned, and her character that influenced my life in a positive way. If possible, read the tribute to her personally… and then maybe frame it for her to enjoy for years to come. Both my husband and I followed through with that idea, and our mothers have hung the framed tributes to this day.

As I read over the tribute today, I see so much of myself in her. So much of what she valued, loved and enjoyed… are now a part of me. I am grateful again for the influence she has had, and continues to have, in my life.

As a mother, it is important to take time and reflect on what I pass on to my children. They will always carry a part of me in who they are…

I’d like to encourage you to do a tribute for your mom. It is certainly possible that your mom was not perfect… mine surely wasn’t. But she was the women chosen by God to give me life… and then help mold me into the person I am today. Writing the tribute might just be the exercise that God uses for you to process through past  – or even present – pain… and find the ability to forgive.

If you enjoy a loving relationship with your mother, all the more reason to write the tribute – today! Time is precious and each day is a gift. We don’t know how much time we have to honor and thank the ones we love… today is a great day to let her know that you love and appreciate her! 

_________

Have you done a tribute for your mom?

(I’ve included my tribute so you can get the idea!)

changes, changes everywhere…

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We are only four weeks away from our big move. There are boxes everywhere and less furniture in every room. We have resorted to taking digital pictures of most memorabilia; old toys are going to new homes, and the mountains of paper that stuffed file drawers are shredded and out in green bags for recycling. There is only a bare minimum of dishes in the kitchen and only a few options of clothing in the closet.

It is surprisingly refreshing to simplify and limit choices. I guess that is a good thing because although the choices are few, the changes are many…

geography change

We are still considered by some as strangers in a foreign land, but Mexico has been our home for almost 20 years. We have never fully adjusted to the driving antics, and we have developed no affection for the speed bumps on every block. We struggle with upper class entitlement mentality and heart-wrenching lower class poverty. We will never accept the corruption, or the drug wars, or the human trafficking. BUT… we love Mexico, and we will miss so much of life here. We will miss the vibrant colors, the incredible tacos “al pastor”, and the piñatas for every party. We will miss the dogs on the roofs, the smoking volcano, the boys who wash our windows while we wait for the light, and fresh mangos.

job change

This is actually a change that has me a bit nervous. We (my husband and I) have been “in charge” for a while now – team leaders, directors, boss. We basically determine our schedule, our priorities, and where we will work. I like that. In our next job, we will work for someone else, there will be office-presence and dress-code expectations, and  I believe that will be a good test of character for me – maybe that’s why I am nervous! I hope that I can live out security in who God has made me… and not covet a job title.

life-stage change

We have spent most of our married years preparing for this day – releasing our wonderful children to the world – and we are very excited to work and travel freely together… but it will be different. I “think” we will like it, but just like geography, each life stage has its pro’s and con’s. We have lived with chaos and action and people around our huge house ’til all hours. What will we do with the quiet?

relationships change

We . will . miss . special . people .  We have made friends here who are like family. Those folks have stayed in our home, owned keys to our house, and proudly taken advantage of “refrigerator privileges”. They have danced on the back patio, helped us celebrate holidays, corrected our Spanish, and loved us through hard times. They have shared a part of their heart with us, and we have given them a piece of ours in return. They know us well, but some we will never see again…

It has been good for me to realize that every life phase, location and style has its blessings and its challenges. Each new place can become “home”. Each new stage can become the norm… and friendships can last across time and miles, even as we make new ones. Change is part of life – not always easy – but better to embrace it than to fight it.

What changes are you facing?  What do you do to embrace change?

what about results?

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Some people claim that results are “cold” or devalue people or are too hard to measure, but I think differently. Especially in ministry, our results are people and results mean changed lives… often for all eternity. At home, I definitely work toward positive results in my marriage and my children. It can be difficult to measure those results, but it matters to me to do well.

Henry Cloud, in his book Integrity, recognizes that there are some results that we cannot control, but claims that in most cases, character affects fruitfulness. He says that many people know the “what”or “how” of the work, but still do not produce good results. He claims that the missing ingredient is in “who” they are.

What I do… is intimately connected… to who I am.

In the 9th chapter of Integrity, Cloud mentions five important character elements for achieving results:

1. understand who I am and what I do well – Successful, effective people do better because they know what they like and don’t like, what they are good at and where they are weak… and they set up healthy boundaries based on their values. They don’t chase an idealized picture of themselves, practice a false humility, or fold to pressure from others… but rather they work well in teams with others who can complement their weak areas.

Am I pretending that I am someone I’m not? Am I trying to do what I am not created for in order to please someone else? Do I work alone?

2. prepare and focus before I act – Cloud describes this as “ready, aim… and then fire”.  Being ready involves discipline, evaluative thought, and delayed gratification. It means avoiding rash decisions, “winging it” and impulsive actions. To aim is to live within reality and limits… not be “all over the place” with ideas and dreams. And fire means actually getting things done.

Do I have a plan… for my marriage, my family, my job? Do I know where I want to go? Am I doing the prep work to get me to my goals?

3. willing to make the hard calls – I already wrote about this is my “no more mr. nice guy” post, but there are a few challenging quotes from this chapter that I want to remember.

      “Past being mean and uncaring, virtually nothing erodes respect in a person                       more than his or her inability to make the hard call.”

“The patient, the company, and the family will be better in the end…” 

Do I have the courage and the ability to make the difficult decisions that some people won’t like, but are for the best?

4. find a way – To achieve results, people often have to persevere through hard times, make changes, accept failures, overcome obstacles. Cloud states that, “perseverance takes courage, stamina, emotional reserves, judgment, creativity…”

Do I quit easily or do I have what it takes to keep going? 

5. learn to lose well – Most breakthrough inventions and ideas have numerous “well, that didn’t work” projects behind them. The keys to losing well are facing the reality of failure, accepting responsibility, and learning from the experience. Sometimes losing is just giving up something good for something better.

Do I take time to grieve and evaluate the loss? Do I blame others or do I consider my contribution to the error? Am I afraid to let go of something that is not the best?

Fruitfulness depends on focusing on who I am and what I do. I don’t want to sacrifice dreams, goals, or mission purposes because of my personal immaturity. I want to grow in character. What do you think about results?

supermom doesn’t live here

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I have no delusion of having been a supermom… 🙂

My husband and I have determined that we will never be ones to write the “How to…” parenting book.  The other day, however, a new friend asked me for a few tips about parenting young ones, and I quickly thought of a few things that helped me enjoy the process. I hope they might be an encouragement to you…

1. dynamic walk with the Lord… I just couldn’t ever make sense of the daily struggles and sacrifices, contrasting opinions and peer pressure, if I wasn’t secure in Him. Time with Him was often just snatches of desperate pleas for help during the day, but I realized that when – although I didn’t always get it – I longed for time with Him, I was probably doing OK.

2. investment in my marriage: Conferences, counseling, regular (every week) dates, communication, getaways…  so essential and very worth it for us to stay connected as partners! We loved parenting, but we always understood that our marriage was a priority, and we made time for us. Now that the kids are almost all moved out, we are really looking forward to being together – just the two of us – not dreading it or wondering what we will do without the kids around.

3. with #1 and #2, reflect on and choose what works for YOU and YOUR family! I am not a “kid’s world” person, so I needed time with adults each week. I loved being involved with the university ministry – discipling and mentoring, and involving our kids. I also home-schooled for many years and loved it. I have the gift of leadership and always led side-by-side with my husband. I used a lot of organization and structure to make life “livable” for me. Living in a foreign culture, I had help with cleaning and cooking. (I still don’t do much of that!) BUT… that worked for ME… each woman and marriage is different… God’s incredible creativity isn’t limited to creation… it is available for each marriage and family also. It is available for you!

4. last, but related to #3… do what YOU need to do to get refreshed… I spent so many years feeling guilty because I thought I “should” want to dress up and go out to a fancy dinner for a date, when I really preferred to lay out in the sun and read/discuss a book with my husband… or go to a yard sale… or run by myself… coffee dates with friends and women’s Bible study groups were also great for me. My recharge is not the same as others – I finally figured out that was ok…

I was so encouraged that my friend was asking questions, because asking questions is the first step to finding the way in a very complex and challenging life… May God bless you on your journey!

What are you doing to enjoy the process? Are there some other “tips” you would suggest as an encouragement to others?

lessons learned climbing a volcano

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We had an incredible time climbing the Iztaccihuatl volcano yesterday. (Here you can read a blog my husband wrote about the volcano legend.) It was a demanding ascent through the snow to over 16,000 feet elevation. I learned some important lessons from the experience; I don’t want to forget them because I believe they are relevant to so much of life and leadership.

  • push beyond the comfort zone

This kind-of hike is not a normal everyday activity for anyone in our group. It was difficult – physically and emotionally… legs hurt; lungs ached; wet and cold harassed; nausea and headaches assailed, fear attacked; exhaustion was real. However, at the end, even those who had suffered most claimed it was a (horribly) awesome experience.

Isn’t it true that we often get to great achievement only through agonizing struggle? There is something very satisfying about pushing through the challenge to accomplish something worthwhile. Where can I push myself beyond my comfort zone to a greater challenge…physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, intellectually?

  •  prepare and take care

Without a doubt, previous exercise routine, warm wool and polyurethane clothing, and hiking quality boots made the climb easier. Extra socks, hats and gloves came in handy, as did the lemon-grass tea and the Ibuprofen and Excedrin tablets. It was also important to drink plenty of water and re-apply sunscreen throughout the day. (I learned this hard lesson last year – I paid a heavy price in sore muscles due to dehydration.)

It makes no sense to take on a big challenge unprepared. Strengthening ahead of time and planning well means I am ready for the test and can even support others. How am I training today for tomorrow’s challenges? What can I do better prepare for the future?

  • go with others

During the day we talked, laughed, took pictures and praised God’s creation together. All along the climb, different people battled seriously with fatigue, cold, fear, altitude sickness, and pain while others took turns to encourage each next step, accompany those who needed rest, help and protect on the treacherous slopes, share food/medicine/clothing supplies, and celebrate and rejoice at each milestone. I was so proud of those who persevered when it was tough and of those who served when others were weak. We made an incredible memory and “bonded” because of what we went through together.

I would never consider attempting a climb like that alone, and I was so impressed by the support and camaraderie offered that enabled others to achieve more than they could by themselves.  I need that kind of team in all areas of my life. Who encourages me? And who am I helping to accomplish what they could never do alone?

What have you learned from a challenging experience? Are you ready for the next one?

truth matters

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road sign for the town of Truth or Consequences, NM
© Alamy-Jonathan Larsen

Henry Cloud, in his book, Integrity, writes that many people lie… actually most of us do, in some form or another.

How about the little “white” lie answer to, “How are you doing?” Do I say “fine” when I’m not really fine? Or if someone asks me, “So… how did I do?”, do I give them honest feedback or do I respond with a generic, “Great”? What about when someone wants me to “fudge” on a recommendation letter, or a stats report, or a financial designation? Do I “help them out“, or do I tell the truth?

Cloud states, “People of good character are people who can be trusted to tell the truth.”

  • Truth about myself – I’ve heard many times to consider reality as my friend. It doesn’t help to hide, avoid or deny reality – especially about myself. One powerful element of leadership is self-awareness, understanding my strengths and weaknesses. If I don’t contend with my weak areas, others will. I don’t want to be the fool who’s not really fooling anyone except myself. Although it is not easy for me, I am learning to seek out truth – ask others (husband, co-workers, boss, friends) for an evaluation, request feedback about my leadership, apply what they tell me, and seek help where I am weak.

      Will I pursue the truth?

  • Truth about others – I’ve written before about my desire to please others and be the “nice guy“. It is hard to tell people the truth when it may hurt them, but there is a big difference between a surgeon who causes pain while saving a life and a murderer who causes pain when taking a life. The pain itself is not bad – intent is what matters. I am learning that I sometimes have to tell someone a painful truth in order to help them mature, change, or make a wise decision. If I use tact, care, empathy, and respect when I speak, the truth pill is easier to swallow. The temporary pain is for their good; if I withhold the truth because of my fear of rejection or negative reaction, I have put my comfort ahead of their well-being.

      Do I care enough to tell the truth?

  • Truth about my world – In our ministry, we used to do an honest evaluation of our progress every school quarter. We would look at the stats numbers and consider the brutal-truth information they provided. We would celebrate where we were doing well, and we would prayerfully adjust our plans and activities wherever we were missing the mark. Cloud calls this assimilation and accommodation.

The world is changing at breakneck speed. If I am not willing to let go of the “way we’ve always done it”, or if I mislead investors with a sugar-coated story that conceals the real numbers, or if I intentionally tell my teammates only a partial truth about my actions, I – and the organization – will never be able to grow to meet the demands of our reality. No growth = death.

      Am I willing to respond to the truth?

___________

Do you struggle with telling the truth?

What helps you remember that the truth matters?