Tag Archives: relationships

how questions can change our relationships

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Helena Lopez – Unsplash

Hi, friends!

It’s been a while. I have not had the mental space to write clear thoughts for a long time. However, today is the day. I received the fun (and motivating) notification that this blog has had over 100,000 all-time views(!), and I finished a book that I liked a lot and want to share with you. When I share my learning with others, it sticks better with me, so thank you for helping me out by reading this post. The added plus is that I think you will learn things that are also helpful for you.

The book I finished is called “The Coaching Habit,” written by a coaching guru, born in Australia, now living in Canada, named Michael Bungay Stanier (MBS). He writes with humor and wit; the book is easy-to-apply practical and deeply wise.

The book’s premise is “say less – ask more” to tame your “advise monster.” Make it a habit to ask more questions.

Without this habit, we make people overly dependent on us, pick up work others would do, place ourselves “one up” on others, and give advice that isn’t truly helpful. I cringe when I think those things might be my effect at work. Even less do I want that to be true of me at home.

It takes COURAGE to ask a question
rather than offer up advice, provide an answer
or unleash a solution.
~ Brene Brown

Over the years, I’ve read other books on coaching, but this one is less of a “How to…” book and more of a “Why do I…” book. Stanier uses plain English to dig into our mindsets, neuroscience, and resistance to change. He understands the drivers, the triggers, and the heart behind what we do and guides us towards what we want to do instead.

This is not an “instant answer” book. It will not fix our tendency to think too highly of ourselves and our advice, but it can help.

When we ask questions, we value people
and we empower them to find the best solutions to real problems.

Stanier’s seven key questions are:

  • What’s on your mind? (allow the other person to set the agenda)
  • And what else? (often the first problem or solution is not the “real” one or the best one)
  • What’s the real challenge here for you? (help focus)
  • What do you want? (getting to the root of the issue)
  • How can I help? (don’t offer help – let them tell you what they want)
  • If you are saying YES to this, to what are you saying NO? (so very powerful)
  • What was most useful to you? (when they reflect, they remember)

I highly recommend the book, The Coaching Habit (also available in Spanish). Even more than that, I hope you will continue to grow your question-asking skills along with me and fight back the advice monsters that are running amuck in our world today.

Curiosity is powerful.

Now to practice.
What is your takeaway from this post? What was most useful to you?

**More from Michael Bungay Stanier: Box of Crayons and MBS.works websites

don’t waste the crisis

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Photo credit: Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash

It is inevitable. No way to escape it. No place to get away from it all. We are living through a world and life-changing global pandemic, the likes of which we have never seen before.

So, what do we do now?

I’ve spent a lot of time – inside – considering and how to avoid the virus. I’ve practiced healthy habits to survive the shutdown changes and emotional cost of the pandemic.

Recently, I’ve wanted more. Instead of thinking about what has been so awful and limiting about living through these crazy times, on those rare days when I have a little bit of extra emotional energy, I want to focus on the positive.

What has been positive about this global crisis?

What new things have I learned about myself and my relationships that I don’t want to forget or I don’t want to lose?

  • Self-awareness is power. I know better how I react under fear and limitations. I know my triggers and what to do when discouragement or hopelessness shows up. This new knowledge is gold. Well, not as pretty as gold, but precious all the same.
  • Relationships that have endured through trials are more transparent, honest, and empathetic. I’ve had more profound and real conversations with people about our impact on each other and how to compromise to make unexpected circumstances work for us. I can ask for help (on a rare occasion). These interactions reflect growth for me and are worth celebrating.
  • My concern for others has increased. I have taken more initiative with neighbors to ask how they are and if they need anything. This is easier because we are all at home and outside more often. I’ve made more phone calls, sent more notes, prayed more. I do not want to lose this.

What have I learned about my work style?

  • Life-giving work gives me purpose. Younger generations get a bad rap for caring more about the meaning and contribution of a job than the earning power or status. I think I am more like that than I realized. Mostly, I have liked working from home. I enjoy the freedom of not dressing up and no commute. I can still get work done that matters, sometimes more. I am wondering how these truths can factor into my future work.
  • I like learning. Zoom. Innovative strategies. New options for in-person traditions. Pivots to thinking, doing, structures, procedures. We CAN change and sometimes much faster than we thought. When we return to normal(?), I don’t want to lose my openness to trying something new.

What new positive habits have I incorporated as part of my life patterns?

  • More exercise and sleep. My phone and watch trend data say I have slept more hours on average compared to last year. My walking miles are also up. No commute has given me a bit more margin. How can I keep this up as the days go on?
  • I’ve discovered some new hobbies. Not only has my reading increased, but we play more games as a family. I’m growing a few scraggly herbs on my back patio and inviting monarch butterflies to my flowering milkweed in a small grassy patch in the front. Somehow the weight and drain of the pandemic made refreshing activities essential rather than optional. I think they’ve always been essential. I just wasn’t aware like I am now.
  • We spend less on non-essentials. We eat better and healthier at home (except for the occasional junk-comfort foods). We buy online from a curated list of needed items rather than window shopping or impulse buying as we wander leisurely through a store. We have more money to invest in worthy causes, needs, issues, and people.

I didn’t think about this list before I started, and I now know I could continue writing for much longer than you would want to read. I’m encouraged by that. I’ll stop now and let you consider your “I don’t want to waste” list.

What have you found positive in this crisis that you don’t want to waste?

in this for the long haul

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Image credit: David Marcu on Unsplash

Open up. Close down. Wear a mask. COVID is a joke.

No matter what we believe about all of it, there is no doubt that COVID-19 has changed our lives forever. It continues to affect our daily existence and our future planning. Even if we are unwilling to make personal life adjustments, the virus will inevitably impact our family and our friends in their health (physical, emotional, mental), job security, travel, celebrations, or in some other aspect. It is unavoidable.

My family and friends have suffered in numerous ways, and I have felt worried, sad, frustrated, isolated, limited, and so many more emotions during the last months.

This won’t be over any time soon.

So what do we do now? How do we prepare for the new reality? How do we find strength – emotional, physical, relational, spiritual – for the long-term effects of this pandemic?

SELF-CARE

This is the first area many experts mention. I recognize the need to come back to these basics again and again. Drink enough water. Eat less junk. Go outside. Exercise. Get enough good hours of sleep. Do a little something special you enjoy every so often. Pray.

Our bodies do not function for long periods under stress without paying the price. We cannot run this marathon with necessary physical health, clear thoughts, and creative processes without proper nutrition and care.

RELATIONSHIPS

We are also not created to live alone. We need each other – both for love, comfort, enjoying activities together, etc., and also to teach us, expose us to different ways, challenge us, and display to us the full essence of God. We cannot surround ourselves only with those who are like us, or we miss essential parts of the full image of humanity.

These are perfect days to humbly, respectfully, and authentically open our minds and expand our conversations to include many different perspectives, sources of information, and opinions. We need a diversity of excellent ideas to build together towards improvements and pivots for our future world.

MAKE A POSITIVE CONTRIBUTION

Many require help today. All over the globe, children are hungry and lack clean water. Trafficking victims and falsely accused await freedom. Natural disasters and unethical corporations wreak havoc on our environment. Violence steals innocent lives. People die without forgiveness and eternal hope.

So much to do. So many places where compassionate, energetic, sacrificial, committed people can make a difference by using their skills, financial resources, networking – whatever gifts they have to offer.

When we don’t know what to do, we can ask questions. We can research. We can learn. We can join together if we are fearful of acting alone. Even when we do not have much, every little bit we offer is a blessing.

We are in this for the long haul. Don’t get weary. Don’t give up. We need to be as healthy as we can be so that we can also love and support others along the way. 

How are you staying well and grounded during these trying times? How are you helping others?

discover and develop your strengths

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coreclaritybannerI have a new passion. No doubt about it. I love coaching people through discovery of their talents and strengths. Absolutely love it.

Successful people
understand their talents and strengths
 and build their lives upon them.

My husband and I attended a CoreClarity training last spring. That week prepared us to explain Gallup StrengthsFinder results for individuals and groups. This summer, we had numerous opportunities to coach family members, individuals, and couples.

Every time we talked through top talents with people, I watched eyes open wide in recognition, hearts soften with greater understanding, burdens of frustration and self-condemnation wash away, and hope reappear in the soul. 

It was amazing actually.

It is an encouraging experience to grow in self-awareness and self-acceptance, but it is even more powerful to grow in understanding and appreciating the important people in our lives. 

Successful marriages (or teams)
don’t just accommodate differences in each other,
 they capitalize on them.

If you have never done the StrengthsFinder assessment, I highly recommend it. There are specific assessments you can choose for adults, college and highschool students and even middle school students. After you receive your top five results, find someone trained in CoreClarity to review your results with you. You can do this for yourself, as a couple, for your family, or in a seminar format for your whole team.

You will learn :

  • why it is more important to develop your strengths, rather than focus on improving your weaknesses
  • how to develop your talents into strengths
  • to correct the myths that everyone thinks the same way we do or that everyone has the same talents we do plus what we see in them that we do not have
  • how your top talents affect each other and how your combination creates the unique you
  • how different talents intensify, combine, or collide with other talents
  • how talents understanding helps build and repair relationships, improves problem solving and teamwork
  • how to use your talents to enhance your career

You might also want to attend a facilitator training so you can coach others!

Do you already know your top talents? How have you applied that knowledge to your life and relationships?

Please leave me a comment if you have any questions about CoreClarity or StrengthsFinder. I’ll be glad to help in any way that I can!

one day at a time

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calendar file000786402730I am scheduling my calendar from now until Christmas. Lots of routine, plus two special family get-together events, which are a big deal because we all live spread out across the country. Getting us all to the same place requires a bit of advance planning… and a more-than-a-bit of money.

I am also working on my final project to complete my MA. The last hurrah to a three-year long endeavor. There are assignment deadlines. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is still a long tunnel.

Work is ever-present, but less settled right now. Since my team focuses on serving others around the world, it is hard to commit very far ahead, and crisis like Ebola, ISIS, and international conflicts change the best of intentions.

On top of these things, my mom has decided to end her chemo treatments and begin hospice care. She is very tired and fragile, but is still mobile and mentally sharp. No one knows how much time she will have.

I have to live one day at a time.

I am keenly aware that I have to hold all the plans I make with a loosely open hand. There is no certainty that they will occur. No guarantees. Because of my mom’s condition, at any moment this Fall could easily take on a very different personality.

The truth is every day is the same – I don’t control them and they could be very different in an instant.

Only my level of awareness has changed. And my attitude.

I am more grateful for what I do receive each day – a long phone call with one of my children, fun times with friends, a walk or bike ride with my husband, a deep conversation with my mom.

I worry less on the front end, and I am more at peace with those plans that don’t turn out. I can often reschedule, plan something else, or just enjoy some time to rest rather than keep up the pace I thought I wanted.

I actually plan better and more. Because of my recognition that each day is a gift, I want to fill them well. I crave valuable experiences, efforts, communication, and relationships.

I don’t want to waste a single moment.

I am learning to more quickly let go of the anger and forgive the offense. I am trying to take the initiative to clarify misunderstandings and express appreciation and love. I want to listen well to others and encourage and empower. I am attempting to criticize less and give more generously of myself.

Isn’t it ironic that the awareness of death gives greater meaning to life? 

How are you living each day?

rest is a four letter word

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bedroom I grew up with a hard-driving military father. We had jobs to do in the house, yard, garden, or apple orchard. Five children meant there was always plenty of work to do. My dad liked sports and outdoor activities, so we often woke up early to go hiking or skiing or play tennis. The only time we could lay around on the couch or watch TV was if we were sick – really sick.

It is no wonder that I continue to work hard today and have often felt guilty about rest. I’m not busy with yard work or gardening or housework these days, but I enjoy my job, and I like to stay active. I don’t particularly like to sleep, and I rarely watch any television… but I am learning how to rest.

Rest is not just sleep or no physical activity, although it certainly can involve that. Dictionaries say that rest includes relaxation, refreshment, and recovering strength. One definition includes a peace of mind or spirit and to be free from anxiety or disturbance. Another definition mentions a period or interval of repose, solitude, or tranquillity. 

No matter how much we love what we do, or how much work we think we have to do, rest is powerful… and necessary. I read a good post by Michael Hyatt this week about rest, and it helped me reflect on some good reasons for rest:

Rest builds physical strength. Athletes and trainers know that after a challenging workout, the body needs rest to recover, prevent injuries and increase endurance. Sleep, stretching, hydration and nutrition are all important. As I get older, I recognize this more and more.

Rest deepens relationships. Relaxing times with family and friends give me time for full engagement and quality interaction. Play, long conversations, stories, and laughter help me feel refreshed and provide me with healthy connections and community. When I am well rested, I have more to offer others.

Rest invigorates the mind. If I go too long without rest for my mind, my brain feels like scrambled eggs, and I struggle to sort out my thoughts and feelings. When I get away from the daily “to-do” list and anxieties to daydream and let my mind wander, I find that I can think clearly about the less urgent but very important issues like future plans, past reflections, and creativity.

Rest rejuvenates the soul. According to the Bible, even God rested! 🙂 To “let go” of my responsibilities for a bit reminds me of the truth that I am not all-important. Time to breathe deeply, pray, and listen calmly encourages me to find right perspective and contentment.

Rest is often used as a noun for a support, like an arm rest or a chin rest. This reminds me that I often need other people to help me rest. I am so grateful for those in my life who rest well, and they encourage me to rest also.

Well, now that I have this post finished, I am off to rest while watching a World Cup game!

Do you struggle with taking time to rest? Or are you someone who helps other people get away to relax? What are some of your favorite ways to rest well?

____

You might also like to read: a rhythm of rest

how do you want to be remembered?

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Bob Morgan memorialHow do I want to be remembered when I die? Not something I think about very often… or want to.

However, attending a memorial service this past weekend caused me to think about things that I am often too busy to consider.

My father-in-law died a few weeks ago (about one year after his beloved wife, Nancy) and we gathered for a very special time with family and friends to share stories, hugs, tears, and time together. Meals, music, and memories filled the days. We remembered Bob as family, friend, coach, and faithful husband.

Bob’s life did not begin easily. His father deserted the family when Bob was young, and Bob ran the streets unsupervised with his “river rats” pals. There are plenty of stories about their escapades and mischief… and probably some that still remain untold! Bob
credited the Marines and basketball for turning his life around, teaching him the discipline, values, and commitments that characterized his later life.

At Bob’s memorial, we looked at picture boards and video presentations and listened to some of his favorite songs and people share about his life. Over 80+ years, Bob left a lasting legacy.

PERSONALLY – Bob invested his life with passion into those things he loved and enjoyed. Bob served bravely and proudly in the Marines. After his tour of duty, Bob dedicated his life to his love of basketball. He played in college, and then coached for many years, winning the 1971 Wisconsin State Championship for high school boys’ basketball… and many years later, he came out of retirement to coach a win-less, small-town, girls’ team to their only winning season. Bob loved the “lake”: fishing, pontoon rides, and the spectacular seasonal views from his front porch. He also loved all kinds of music and enthusiastically sang and played with family and friends through the years. He was famous for his Louis Armstrong karaoke version of “What a Wonderful World”, and we sang it at his service.

What are you passionate about?
Are you investing your time, abilities, energy and resources there?

RELATIONSHIPS – Even without early strong role models, Bob left a legacy of strong family bonds and loyalty. Bob adored his wife Nancy; it was obvious to all who knew them. His family laughed together, cried together, disagreed, and forgave each other… always staying close and enjoying time together. Bob also developed long-term friends from all walks of life. He was friendly and witty, and had a special place in his heart for the underdog. The Morgan campfire always warmly welcomed family and loved-like-family friends.

How are your relationships? Are they committed, loving, loyal, deep?

FINANCIALLY – Bob was a high school teacher and coach… not highly paid professions. Yet, Bob and Nancy were excellent stewards of their resources. In life, they were thoughtful gift-givers and traveled frequently to visit family. They opened their home and hearts to many, some for short visits, others for long-term care. They wintered in South Padre, TX for many years, enjoying warm weather and dear friends. When they died, they left an inheritance to their children. They were generous in life and in death.

Are you a good steward of what you have earned/received?
Are you generous to others?

FAITH – Bob and Nancy both demonstrated a personal faith and encouraged it in others. They faithfully attended church through the years, although the particular denomination was not important. Personally, I am grateful for how they encouraged our missionary family and prayed for us, even when they knew that our faith choices meant our family would never live near to them. Both Bob and Nancy understood God’s gift of
forgiveness and were at peace when they died.

Where are you on your faith journey?
Would you be at peace with God if you were to die today?

Bob and Nancy have helped me reflect on my own “wonderful world” and the legacy I want to leave behind… How about you? How do you want to be remembered?

bitter is not better

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dark chocBitter may be OK for dark chocolate, herbs, or ales, but it is not good for people.

Bitterness is so ugly.
Amy Heckerling

The last few weeks, I heard numerous times about the need to fight against becoming a bitter person. I’m not sure if people were seeing the tendency in me, but I have decided to take the counsel seriously. We all have the ability to become bitter people; life is hard, but we choose how we will respond to the hits that life brings our way.

We start out life very naive and optimistic. We believe that we can do anything if we work hard enough, and we live our days with a (false) sense of immortality and invincibility. We erroneously think we can easily choose our career path, change our spouse, and control our children.

Somewhere between 30-50 years old, we discover that life did not turn out like we thought it would. Individuals and families struggle with terminal illness, unemployment, prodigal children, tragic accidents, incurable medical disorders, loved one’s early deaths, long-term singleness, separation and divorce… unexpected, unplanned, and unavoidable chips to our perfectly manicured world. We get hurt in relationships that cause conflict, under-appreciate and undervalue our work, misunderstand and overlook our contributions. Life is hard – really hard.

It is a simple but sometimes forgotten truth
that the greatest enemy
to present joy and high hopes
is the cultivation of retrospective bitterness.
Robert Menzies

If we focus on negative circumstances, compare our life with others’, or refuse to forgive wrongs, we harden our heart and pave a path toward bitterness. We find ourselves critical, complaining, angry and discouraged with life. It is natural and easy to do.

On the other hand, if we practice gratitude, contentment, and peace with others – even during the hard times – we can pass through our struggles singed by real life, but not burned and destroyed. The pain is real, but it does not have to define us.

Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it.
Bitterness paralyzes life; love empowers it.
Bitterness sours life; love sweetens it.
Bitterness sickens life; love heals it.
Bitterness blinds life; love anoints its eyes.
Harry Emerson Fosdick

I do not want bitterness to control my life. I am praying and asking others to help me process the hard experiences in my life so that I respond with love instead.

How do you fight bitterness? Do you need to ask someone for help?

appreciating (real) family

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family real compfight
I spoke twice this week about my heritage and my family. I am also enjoying a great visit from my sister with her husband and daughter. These two experiences have caused me to reflect on the many ways that my family has formed my identity.

PAST

My family was not and is not perfect. There are difficult aspects of the past that left emotional and relational scars, over-compensating behaviors, and “hot buttons” that ignite in some expected and some not-so-expected circumstances. Thankfully, I have learned to remember the positive and character building moments… and to leave the negative and hurtful memories behind. I am so grateful for faith, friends, an awesome husband, and a few great counselors, who have helped me to move forward, acknowledging the past’s influence but freeing me from its potential limitations on my future.

PRESENT

These days I am gaining a greater appreciation for my sisters and my brother as we enter the new stage of caring for our elderly parents. It is not an easy time for us; we have to work very hard at integrating many different viewpoints, opinions, geographical availability, ideas, and personalities into choices and decisions. Although we are older, childhood attitudes and reactions resurface. My siblings are teaching me new ways to love and yield my own interests – this is good growth for me.

FUTURE

The real challenges faced in my marriage and in raising my (amazing!) children have helped to keep me humble and honest about my inadequacies, my insufficiency… and have engraved on my heart the incredibly powerful truth and grace that we received over the years. I am very grateful for the authentic and loving relationships that we have because of how we have worked through difficulties and pain together. I did not anticipate or enjoy the struggles – if I could have, I would have chosen to avoid them – but I am eternally thankful for the redeeming hope that we have experienced. I look forward to whatever the future might hold for us.

I’ve heard that sites like Facebook can cause depression when people compare their real lives with the unrealistic “perfect” lives that we assume from superficial statuses and photographs. I know, from experience, that everyone has a real story behind the smiles; the real story is full of tears and hurt… and forgiveness and reconciliation… and healing and hope. Real is rich.

What do you appreciate about your family?
How are you handling “real” life together?

family tension

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rope
I spent this past holiday with my children, my brother and sisters, my mom (and her husband of 25+ years) and my dad. There were some fun, laughter-filled, memory-building times together. There were also some conflicts, differences of opinion, and hurt feelings.

There was tension.

Dictionaries define tension as being stretched, strained or stressed, mentally or emotionally. It can involve uneasiness, nervousness, anxiety or a strained relationship. It results in “walking on eggshells”, or it can reach a level of hostility.

Tension can also serve a positive purpose. Tension is necessary for a sewing machine to weave the threads together well, for a bow to launch the arrow to its target, for the sailor’s knot to hold tight. High-tension wires carry electrical power over long distances. Tension is something we desire on car alternator, air conditioner and vacuum cleaner belts. According to Fretag’s Pyramid, we intentionally build tension when writing a successful fiction novel. Arterial tension maintains blood pressure in an artery; surface tension preserves the integrity of a surface, and tissue tension enables a state of equilibrium between tissues and cells. Sexual tension can lead to great enjoyment between a husband and wife.

All that to clarify…

not all tension is bad.

One of the tensions I experienced was between “my” family traditions and the extended family traditions. There is not one right way and one wrong way to celebrate holidays; it much more complex than that. So when I travel to spend Christmas or Thanksgiving or any other key event with other family members, I yield a bit of my preferences… and I miss a bit of how I like to do things. On the other hand, I gain the richness of new experiences and family times. The tension is not necessarily bad; but it is helpful to acknowledge and process it.

How do you deal with tension over family traditions? 

Another tension I had to deal with were the relationship tensions due to different personalities, expectations, communication styles, and conflict resolution strategies. My sisters and I are all very different. We are facing challenges and big decisions regarding our aging parents; we have different opinions about the options, and we use different communication methods to express those opinions. I’m not always sure whether to push for an open discussion or whether to give a sister space and time. Intellectually I know that our differing approaches, respectfully considered, will lead us to better solutions in the end. Emotionally I am learning to accept – and not fear – the tension.

How do you handle family relationship tensions?

A last tension occurred as I interacted with my children. As they have grown and matured, I have wrestled with when to “circle the wagons” to restrict and protect… and when to trust and let go. Now that they are older, I still struggle with when to offer my advice and “coaching”… and when to just give grace, believe the best, and trust them to make their own decisions. As parents, we have taught them our heart passions and values; now they will choose their own way. Sometimes I worry. Sometimes we have deep talks. Sometimes I pray and find peace. Either way, I recognize that this tension is good – it means we are all growing and changing.

How do you manage the “what’s my role?” tensions?

Life’s tensions are stretching me. I am recognizing my selfish, inappropriate and inadequate reactions, and I hope to grow to better handle the tension. Tension is here to stay; I want to embrace the tension and the benefits that it can bring to life.

_________________

It is a privilege for me to write for Missional Women. This post was originally published there. You may want to check out their other great content!

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