What’s my $1 million wish?

Posted on February 3, 2014 by terry morgan

This is the question posted on the TED blog today: What’s your $1 Million Wish for the World? They are taking nominations for their 2015 TED Prize, a $1 million award to a visionary with a great big idea for creating change in the world.

Before March 31st you can nominate a mentor, a hero, a co-worker, even yourself. TED wants to give $1 million to someone who has a great wish and the track record that suggests they could accomplish it. It will be very interesting to find out who they pick.

I tried to think about a great wish today, but honestly my heart and head is full now with sad and painful emotions. My mom’s husband of the last 30 years (not my dad, but a very special man) has been in the hospital for weeks and has only deteriorated. They will move him by ambulance back to his home tomorrow. This is very difficult for my mom who is already fighting stage-four cancer. It is very hard for my family who live close by and do the daily care.

My great wish today is for no more sickness, death, and suffering.

I pray faithfully for a lot of people who are sick and dying… some days I get very discouraged and frustrated because I don’t get the answers I want. I would rather take it on myself to protect the ones I love from pain. I want to make the hurt and illness and tears and fear all go away… but I can’t do that.

$1 million won’t get me my wish.

We live in a broken world. Disease and death are not the only hardships. There are so many more. Some injustices make me mad. Some hurtful actions break my heart. Sadness will never end here on earth. The only place without pain is our eternal home.

I can offer hope.

It would be easy for me to settle for resignation and depression since I can not cure the ills of this world. I am often tempted to give up. However, there is much I can do. Like the TED nominees, I can create change in the world. It may be a very small change… a hug, a word of encouragement, a prayer, an offer to help… What I do may not win me a $1 million prize, but it may earn me a smile. Maybe I can’t take away the heavy burden, but I can help to lighten the load.

While I am here, I can give. Maybe that”s why I am still here for now.

What is your $1 million wish? Where would you create change in the world?

(Do you know someone to nominate for the TED prize?)

emotional roller coaster

Posted on January 27, 2014 by terry morgan

I have always loved roller coasters – the bigger and the scarier the better! I love the sense of risk and adventure and speed… all while feeling safe and secure by the buckles or bars that hold me safely inside the car. I enjoy the views and sites from above the highest peaks… and I never mind the flying-stomach sensation as the car dives down to the lowest levels or squeals around the curves. Wind in my hair, screams in my throat, hands lifted high… I intentionally look for that kind of fun at the amusement parks.

…but I do not want that same experience when I get back home.

Somehow when life’s happenings have the same character of risk and speed and change, it does not feel like fun anymore.

The last few days have felt like an emotional roller coaster to me. I have been on the high peaks of new friends, stimulating and encouraging work, and progress towards settling in a new home. Within hours, I have also traveled to the low valleys of family struggling with death-at-the-door illness, fear and exhaustion, carrying the guilt that I can not do more, and grieving the loss of my once-vibrant father who now hardly recognizes my voice when I call.

These ups and downs also affect my stomach, but now it is groaning and aching rather than flying, and I do mind it, and I wish it would go away.

I spoke at a retreat this weekend about how much we need to invite others into our life adventures and look for something to appreciate even in the hard times. The heart attitude and the help of others make a big difference for me when my life is twisting and spinning in all directions on short notice. I feel more secure on the wild journey when my faith holds me tightly and my friends sit in the car beside me.

I recognize that the peaks and valleys will be part of my experience until the ride ends. Sometimes I will slowly chug along on a mellow straight path, but adrenalin-pumping crazy tracks are often just ahead. I am learning that if I consider life’s challenges as an adventure, as an inevitable opportunity to grow and trust, and if I do not attempt the ride alone, it is not as scary for me. It is even fun at times.

Do you like roller coasters? How do you ride the emotional roller coasters of life?

adventure and appreciation

Posted on January 13, 2014 by terry morgan

My son, John, had the quote of the night. We were waiting outside the downtown venue so that his brother, Matt, could turn in his ticket money and receive his evening time slot for the “Battle of the Bands”. John stated wistfully…

“I just hope they play better than they dress.”

We were obviously out of our comfort zone. My son, Matt, plays a mix of pop, americana, and country. The band members around us were heavy metal, screamo, rockers… black, ragged clothing and makeup, numerous studs and piercings, long, scraggly hair – lots of it.

We all began to wonder why were there.

It didn’t get any better. A solitary woman collected the money in the scary back alley behind the building. The under-age visitors would have to enter in that door at night to avoid the bar area in front. Ten bands would play 1/2 hour sets, starting at 4:00 in the afternoon; Matt would not go on until third from the end at 9:30 pm. I began to greatly regret having invited friends and their children to this “all-age” event.

We took on the adventure.

As the night continued on, it wasn’t really all that bad. Sure, it was loud with a few obscenities thrown in (I couldn’t understand most of the lyrics!), and not my usual music fare, but the people were respectful, the “mosh pit” minimal and under control, and most folks just listened casually to the music. Although it was a bar, those in charge clearly kept all drinking out of the “under-age” area; our group felt safe at all times. I am a regular at new cultural experiences internationally; it was good for me to step into a new culture at “home”.

Matt rocked the house.

Matt was the only non-heavy-metal performance, and he was the only one-man show… AND he won over the crowd… and won one of the top three spots with a chance in the finals! We couldn’t hardly believe it! I was very proud of my boy and very grateful for the friends who bought tickets and came to support him (not one of them a heavy-metal lover).

Common ground built bridges.

There was obvious mutual respect among the musicians. I was very impressed with the number of people who came over to Matt to tell him how much they enjoyed his part of the show. They appreciated his vocals, his looper and guitar skills, and his song writing. One man said, “I’m a metal-head, but that was awesome!”

As some of the bands played, I prayed for the young guys and girls in the bands. I prayed for the ladies who were there drinking alone. I smiled empathetically at the similarly-out-of-place other parents who were there to support their sons. I applauded fingers that flew rapidly over electric guitar necks, and drum sticks that pounded out amazing rhythms, and the synchronized harmony between groups that reflected many hours of practice and cooperation. There was plenty to praise… if I was willing to look.

The heavy metal bands taught me a lesson that night.

How do you handle new adventures? Can you appreciate those who are different from you? What crazy things have you done to support a family member or friend?

____________

**You can check out Matt’s music at: Matt Morgan Music (facebook), @musicmattmorgan (twitter) and Matt Morgan Music (Reverbnation)

the BEST of 2013

Posted on December 30, 2013 by terry morgan

antique trophy

Where has the time gone? I think I say that every year! It has been an eventful year… events that have brought travel to new places -internationally for work and eternally for beloved family members. I have laughed, and I have cried. I have written about many of the adventures, body and soul, here in these posts.

Thanks so much for accompanying me on my journey. I have loved your feedback, your pushback, and your encouragement along the way. I prefer to do my processing verbally, so your interactions with me make the challenging process of disciplined writing worthwhile.

There are days when I think I am ready to give up this work, but I know it is good for me to write out my thoughts and some of you have expressed that it is helpful for you too, so I think I will give it a go for another year. I hope you will travel the journey with me!

Here are the top-read posts written this year. I hope you will read any you’ve missed or re-read any favorites!

(Each post is available in English and Spanish. Feel free to look around in the archives!)

Most Read English Posts:

how to know yourself better

destroying double standards

when holidays hurt

creating more leaders

a bucket list

Catching Fire leadership

2013 top posts span Most Read Spanish posts:

rompiendo las barreras

peleando como un “ezer”

un ogro (grinch) del Día de San Valentín

espiritualidad e integridad para líderes

asombroso pastel de cumpleaños

destruyendo la doble moral

You can also read more about how the blog got started here: About Me and here: coffee as a way of life or here: why a blog

And you can check out earlier posts on: The Best of 2012 🙂

THANKS AGAIN for reading! I really do appreciate you!

What were the biggest happenings in your 2013?

independence vs wisdom

Posted on December 20, 2013 by terry morgan

My dad was in a roll-over accident the other day. Miraculously, he was not hurt except for a scratch on his arm, but he totaled his truck. He is getting older and his Parkinson’s is getting worse, and it is time for another one of those difficult tug-of-war conversations between the desire for independence and making wise choices.

This situation has caused me to contemplate the great number of difficult conversations we have on that subject throughout life.

Anyone who has spent time around toddlers knows that the “I want to do it myself” declarations begin early. Independence means tying shoes and picking out a favorite shirt to wear. It is a difficult stage for young parents who balance teaching new skills and keeping little ones safe.

Adolescents push this contrast to a whole new level. With a sense of invincibility, the almost-adults keep parents on their knees as they begin to get around without parent-provided transportation and challenge to make independent decisions about friends and values.

Young adults move out, but are sometimes still tied financially to the nest. Some stay tied emotionally too, but others sever the family cords dramatically as they choose career, spouse, and lifestyle independent of family control.

As we age, we change sides, and the child’s desire for independence from parents converts to the parents’ resistance to dependence on the children. Just as the young ones want to act independently, so do the older adults. Independence struggles for mobility, living arrangement and health care choices.

We all take pride in our independence and do not want to burden others. We each believe we can make (our own) wise decisions and want respect from others as we attempt to stand on our own. These on-going struggles seem inevitable at every life stage and a part of a good, healthy life journey and growth.

If that is true, maybe I should not fight so hard, no matter what stage I am in. I never really have complete control over my life… even less others’. In my heart I know that help from others is a very positive thing; good counsel facilitates wise decisions. It takes humility to accept help, and less pride is good for me too. Perhaps instead of facing this as a tug-of-war, I can view this as a both/and relationship rather than an either/or debate.

How do I find an alliance between appropriate independence and respect at each stage of life AND appreciate the wisdom of others in my life? How can I help others to do the same?

How do you handle the desire for independence and wise choices?

when holidays hurt

Posted on December 9, 2013 by terry morgan

My husband’s family lost both mom and dad in the last year. Christmas will feel empty at times, like something is missing… because they are gone. There will be a longing in our hearts, tears in our eyes, and arms aching to hug someone who is not there.

My friends have not had any contact with their daughter for 10 years. They can not see or communicate with their grandchildren. They don’t know what they did. They also lost a younger son to cancer over five years ago. Family gatherings are not easy for them. Pain is always there.

Special friends are terminally ill. My mom is battling cancer. I am so very grateful she is with us this year – we did not dare to hope that a year ago, but treatments make celebrations difficult: energy is low, appetite is gone, fears of the future lurk in the corners of our mind.

My sister’s son lives far away. He is making life choices that are not the best. She worries about him and struggles with how to respond and relate to him – words chosen carefully, trying to show more love and less disapproval, but it is hard. Even a phone call takes more emotional energy than is available at times.

Lack of money stresses others. How to explain to the pleading eyes of a child that “Santa” will not bring that new toy? How to help a teenager understand that the new trendy phone is not in your budget, and they do not “need” what “all” their friends already have?

Even inner battles over how to celebrate can plague us. How many presents do we buy? How much do we spend on (more!) decorations? How many parties do we attend? How much food do we eat? … when we know others around the world have no clean water, or food, or shelter… How do we reconcile marketing pressures with message focus?

Tears and laughter are both part of our life-long journey. No one is exempt. A very wise man once said… Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.

I have a burden on my heart to pray for those who hurt this year – that they will have someone near to share a shoulder to cry on and hold them in a hug that says that they are loved. Maybe in some cases, that someone will be me.

I also want to delight in the sweet and happy moments of this year and live them to the fullest – not let petty, insignificant things steal my joy or lose my focus… savor every decoration, Christmas carol, and special flavor, and store them as deposits in my soul… because one day I will need to draw from them… or share them with others.

Is there pain in your heart this year?

How do you help others when they are hurting?

in tune with CHRISTmas

Posted on December 2, 2013 by terry morgan

Other people started a long time ago… singing, shopping, decorating.

I’ve been trying very hard to avoid it. I haven’t thought about it much at all. I have been focusing on the present.

But now it’s right around the corner.

I felt stressed this morning.

No more pretending.

No more ignoring.

No more procrastinating.

It’s CHRISTmas!

I so often wish that Thanksgiving and CHRISTmas were separated by various months in the calendar instead of back-to-back with only weeks in between. I actually enjoy both holidays very much, but I don’t like feeling that either one overshadows the other.

So I did my best to focus on Thanksgiving until we had celebrated completely… and now I need to re-focus. This year, I have a great desire to spend more time in tune with the Person of the season and less time tuned in to the commercialism and the consumerism that bombards me from all angles.

So far I have thought of a few things I can do…

Daily Reflection – I have already downloaded two new free Advent resources, and I am sure there will be others available. Starting each day with my mind and my heart on the right track will help me remember what is most important during these weeks.

Personal Focus – I greatly prefer experiences and memories over gifts, so rather than shopping alone, I plan to spend more time with the people I love. There are many special activities available during this season. I hope to revisit some old favorites and discover some new ones too.

Say “NO” to Stress – So much of my stress is self-imposed, because I don’t schedule well or I take on too many things without leaving any margin. I’m going to try to choose well according to my priorities and say NO when I feel like I need “down time”.

Take Care of Myself – I have already found that the cold and festivities are wreaking havoc on my exercise, sleep, and diet habits. I know I need to rest, work out, and control my calorie input in order to fight off seasonal “bugs” and have energy for all the extra fun and people.

Practice Grace and Forgiveness – Speaking of people, I often spend time with lots of people during this holiday… some are dear, cherished family and friends… some are more difficult for me. In addition, there is something about the high expectations of special activities or once-a-year visits that set me up for frustrations and hurt feelings. This year I am going in with the expectation that I will most likely have to give and ask for grace and forgiveness numerous times.

What do you do to make CHRISTmas more meaningful for you or your family?

learning to be thankful

Posted on November 23, 2013 by terry morgan

I’m not very good at being thankful. Well, maybe I’m not that bad when it means saying “thank you” to the waitress or the hotel clerk. I do that pretty well. I am less quick to express my gratitude to those closest to me… my husband, my family, my God. That is a bit ironic since they are the ones who give me the most and the best of themselves. They give over a long period of time. They give well.

I suppose it is that very consistency that leads me to take them for granted. I hardly notice the effort, or I deem it expected and obligatory… just an ordinary part of life.

But love and sacrifice are so not ordinary.

When a husband stays with his wife through hard times and sad times and keeps loving and laughing and giving and forgiving, that is something special. When children respect and enjoy their parents… and each other… in spite of hurts and differences and distance and time, that is something special. When God loves without limits, unconditionally and unendingly, that is something special.

Not to be taken for granted.

I want to notice these special gifts and be more grateful. Thanksgiving is such a wonderful reflective time of year. It so frequently gets lost in between the other holidays, and yet it is so important for me. I need the continual reminder.

So I don’t just expect and assume with those I love… so I remember to say “thank you”.

Who do you want to thank today?

questions for a destination

Posted on November 4, 2013 by terry morgan

Have you ever had a conversation with someone that went around and around in circles and ended without any resolution, next steps, or action plan? That might be OK for some informal or ideological discussions, but a coaching relationship helps the client make progress towards a goal.

An effective coaching process begins with the client (or spouse/child/co-worker/friend) choosing a personal or professional goal, and then discussing options and barriers with the help of open and probing questions from the coach. Once the client chooses their best option, it is time to move the conversation towards action steps.

I recently learned three types of questions that the coach can ask to help the client move forward: Direct, Revealing, and Ownership.

DIRECT Questions:

Good direct questions focus and challenge, but do not threaten or judge. They are neutral and inquire without using guilt. They avoid the word “why”. They ask for action or decision and point toward a positive outcome.

“What will you do?” “Do you want to focus on XXX or on XXXX?”
“What investigation have you done?”
“What might you need to do to ensure a good decision?”

REVEALING Questions:

Revealing questions help people “get out of the box” when they feel stuck and unable to move forward. They help the client discover the limitations (physical limitations, finances, fear, priorities, lack of information, etc) they view as unchangeable obstacles and look for creative alternatives.

“What if you thought outside of the normal structure?”
“Who else could help you?” “What could you do differently to free up new resources?” “What if you had four extra hours in your day?”
“If that difficult person wasn’t there, what would you do?

Another option is to help them imagine a new situation without the barrier… “What if you had all the time you needed, what would you do?” “If you couldn’t fail, what would you try?” “How would your perfect job look?”

OWNERSHIP Questions:

Ownership questions help people avoid blaming others and take responsibility for the action. They help take away justification, excuses, and passivity, and instead lead to growth opportunities.

“What might you have done that contributed to the conflict?”
“How can you make things better?” “What might you do differently?”
“Which step do you want to take?” “How do you want to do that?”

A last helpful tip or two… When your client talks about action steps, help them be as specific as possible and include timelines.

Usually, in a coaching situation, the coach is simply helping the client recall or use their own existing information and knowledge. If, as the coach, you feel the situation requires your input, ask permission before you speak!

“Can I challenge you on that?”
“Would you be open to hearing a different perspective?”

These questions can help us get out off of the roundabout and on to our destination!

Which of these questions might be most helpful to you?

______

Many of these questions and more can be found in Leadership Coaching by Tony Stoltzfus. I highly recommend the book!

amazing birthday cake

Posted on October 28, 2013 by terry morgan

This is not a food blog, but this was too fun not to document somewhere! My sister and I made this cake years ago. It requires many not-in-my-fridge ingredients, takes a lot of work and many hours of time, but tastes amazing in the end.

Last time we made it, after we let the cake chill for three hours, we unveiled our creation… and it had cracked right down the middle. I swore I would never do it again!

… but I should know to never say never… and today we made the cake again in honor of my birthday. Nothing like spending all day making your own birthday cake!

It was actually a very fun way to spend the day with my sister… and even my husband, Steve, helped some! So while we are waiting for the cake to chill so we can eat it, I am going to post some pictures of the process for you. I wish I could share some of the cake with you!

The recipe is called Esther’s Orange Marmalade Layer Cake, and it is found in Jan Karon’s Christmas story, Esther’s Gift.

Esther’s Gift is a short story of grace and generosity… and very fitting that I made the cake together with my sister, who has shown both grace and generosity in sharing her house with my husband and me while we are in transition.

The cake tasted better than we remembered! Second chances are a good thing! Today I am especially grateful for the gifts of life, family and love… and second chances.