Category Archives: learning and leading

an end of year reflection

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sunrise It is quiet this morning. No one is awake… and it is not early. A bit different from yesterday. It could feel like a let down after all the activity, but this year for me, it is peace.

It was a good day yesterday – not perfect, not without its moments of tension, missing some special people, but a good day. A Christmas reflection began the morning; family hugs, smiles and thoughtful gifts sweetened the hours, delicious foods and home-baked desserts filled every empty place, silly games caused lots of laughter, father and son playing music together finished the evening… a good day in all.

I feel reflective in this unusual silence. Remembering the days gone by. Last year at this time, my mother had just heard of her terminal cancer… but she was with us this year… weaker, tinier, but still baking and smiling and buying small presents… a gift to us.

This year brought travel to foreign places – Africa, Turkey, the Uk – where I had never been before. New friends. Teams. Great leaders. Hope for the nations. I love my work.

We made new friends, and long-time friends and family visited us in Florida. We began the adventure of exploring our new home. I am hoping that many more will come by and spend time with us in our new place in the days to come.

Our children took on new challenges… and wowed me with their accomplishments. They are truly gifted and blessed. I can’t live vicariously through them because I never even imagined doing the things that they do. I am proud of them and their dreams.

We had to say good-bye again. Steve’s dad joined his mom in eternity. We sang his favorite song last night and cried a bit. Earlier, my brother-in-law flew out to help his mom who just lost her husband. The good-bye’s are hard. Memories help the healing.

I have felt much older this year. Physically more challenging to keep up with health and make wise choices. Scary thinking that it will only get more difficult. Watching my dad fail and working through tough decisions for him with my siblings is stretching us.

All in all, I am at peace with this year. I chose “courage” as my word for 2013, and I have needed it all year long. I have seen it displayed in others. It was a good choice.

I’m thinking about next year already.

And for you… How was your year? Are you ready for 2014? 

independence vs wisdom

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tug of war
My dad was in a roll-over accident the other day. Miraculously, he was not hurt except for a scratch on his arm, but he totaled his truck. He is getting older and his Parkinson’s is getting worse, and it is time for another one of those difficult tug-of-war conversations between the desire for independence and making wise choices. 

This situation has caused me to contemplate the great number of difficult conversations we have on that subject throughout life.

Anyone who has spent time around toddlers knows that the “I want to do it myself” declarations begin early. Independence means tying shoes and picking out a favorite shirt to wear. It is a difficult stage for young parents who balance teaching new skills and keeping little ones safe. 

Adolescents push this contrast to a whole new level. With a sense of invincibility, the almost-adults keep parents on their knees as they begin to get around without parent-provided transportation and challenge to make independent decisions about friends and values.

Young adults move out, but are sometimes still tied financially to the nest. Some stay tied emotionally too, but others sever the family cords dramatically as they choose career, spouse, and lifestyle independent of family control.

As we age, we change sides, and the child’s desire for independence from parents converts to the parents’ resistance to dependence on the children. Just as the young ones want to act independently, so do the older adults. Independence struggles for mobility, living arrangement and health care choices.

We all take pride in our independence and do not want to burden others. We each believe we can make (our own) wise decisions and want respect from others as we attempt to stand on our own. These on-going struggles seem inevitable at every life stage and a part of a good, healthy life journey and growth.

If that is true, maybe I should not fight so hard, no matter what stage I am in. I never really have complete control over my life… even less others’. In my heart I know that help from others is a very positive thing; good counsel facilitates wise decisions. It takes humility to accept help, and less pride is good for me too. Perhaps instead of facing this as a tug-of-war, I can view this as a both/and relationship rather than an either/or debate.

How do I find an alliance between appropriate independence and respect at each stage of life AND appreciate the wisdom of others in my life?  How can I help others to do the same?

How do you handle the desire for independence and wise choices?

when holidays hurt

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broken ornamentMy husband’s family lost both mom and dad in the last year. Christmas will feel empty at times, like something is missing… because they are gone. There will be a longing in our hearts, tears in our eyes, and arms aching to hug someone who is not there.

My friends have not had any contact with their daughter for 10 years. They can not see or communicate with their grandchildren. They don’t know what they did. They also lost a younger son to cancer over five years ago. Family gatherings are not easy for them. Pain is always there.

Special friends are terminally ill. My mom is battling cancer. I am so very grateful she is with us this year – we did not dare to hope that a year ago, but treatments make celebrations difficult: energy is low, appetite is gone, fears of the future lurk in the corners of our mind.

My sister’s son lives far away. He is making life choices that are not the best. She worries about him and struggles with how to respond and relate to him – words chosen carefully, trying to show more love and less disapproval, but it is hard. Even a phone call takes more emotional energy than is available at times.

Lack of money stresses others. How to explain to the pleading eyes of a child that “Santa” will not bring that new toy? How to help a teenager understand that the new trendy phone is not in your budget, and they do not “need” what “all” their friends already have?

Even inner battles over how to celebrate can plague us. How many presents do we buy? How much do we spend on (more!) decorations? How many parties do we attend? How much food do we eat? … when we know others around the world have no clean water, or food, or shelter… How do we reconcile marketing pressures with message focus?

Tears and laughter are both part of our life-long journey. No one is exempt. A very wise man once said…  Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.

I have a burden on my heart to pray for those who hurt this year – that they will have someone near to share a shoulder to cry on and hold them in a hug that says that they are loved. Maybe in some cases, that someone will be me.

I also want to delight in the sweet and happy moments of this year and live them to the fullest – not let petty, insignificant things steal my joy or lose my focus… savor every decoration, Christmas carol, and special flavor, and store them as deposits in my soul… because one day I will need to draw from them… or share them with others.

Is there pain in your heart this year?

How do you help others when they are hurting?

in tune with CHRISTmas

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starOther people started a long time ago… singing, shopping, decorating.

I’ve been trying very hard to avoid it. I haven’t thought about it much at all. I have been focusing on the present.

But now it’s right around the corner.

I felt stressed this morning.  

No more pretending.

No more ignoring.

No more procrastinating.

It’s CHRISTmas!

I so often wish that Thanksgiving and CHRISTmas were separated by various months in the calendar instead of back-to-back with only weeks in between. I actually enjoy both holidays very much, but I don’t like feeling that either one overshadows the other.

So I did my best to focus on Thanksgiving until we had celebrated completely… and now I need to re-focus. This year, I have a great desire to spend more time in tune with the Person of the season and less time tuned in to the commercialism and the consumerism that bombards me from all angles.

So far I have thought of a few things I can do…

Daily Reflection – I have already downloaded two new free Advent resources, and I am sure there will be others available. Starting each day with my mind and my heart on the right track will help me remember what is most important during these weeks.

Personal Focus – I greatly prefer experiences and memories over gifts, so rather than shopping alone, I plan to spend more time with the people I love. There are many special activities available during this season. I hope to revisit some old favorites and discover some new ones too.

Say “NO” to Stress – So much of my stress is self-imposed, because I don’t schedule well or I take on too many things without leaving any margin. I’m going to try to choose well according to my priorities and say NO when I feel like I need “down time”.

Take Care of Myself – I have already found that the cold and festivities are wreaking havoc on my exercise, sleep, and diet habits. I know I need to rest, work out, and control my calorie input in order to fight off seasonal “bugs” and have energy for all the extra fun and people.

Practice Grace and Forgiveness – Speaking of people, I often spend time with lots of people during this holiday… some are dear, cherished family and friends… some are more difficult for me. In addition, there is something about the high expectations of special activities or once-a-year visits that set me up for frustrations and hurt feelings. This year I am going in with the expectation that I will most likely have to give and ask for grace and forgiveness numerous times.

What do you do to make CHRISTmas more meaningful for you or your family?

Catching Fire leadership

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Catching FireLast night I went to see the premiere of “Catching Fire” in the IMAX theater with my niece and other family members. She was very excited. I had not read the books, and I’m not a big movie fan, but I was there to enjoy the experience with her and make a special memory! Popcorn and candy are always fun!

I admit that I liked the movie more than I expected. I thought it was better than the first film “The Hunger Games”: on-the-edge-of-your-seat action, intertwined relationships, and a battle for the underdog. Except for the futuristic, sci-fi elements (not my favorite film genre), the story grabbed my attention, and I forgot everything about real life for the entire 2 1/2 hours.

This morning when I woke up and my mind went back to my MA courses, I started thinking about some fun connections between the movie and the leadership themes I have been studying. Here are a few of them…

The main protagonist characters, Katniss and Peeta, demonstrate leadership character with courage, sacrifice, loyalty, love and care for others, and convictions that can not be bought or beaten out by corrupt powers. They win the sympathy of many with their integrity, perseverance, and compassion, and become attractive role models for the youth.

The heroes have a compelling vision – They symbolize hope for the future and the belief for many that together they can improve life for themselves and for those who come after them. Katniss and Peeta plan some tactical steps for survival and also prepare for unknown and unexpected circumstances and challenges.

Katniss and Peeta work with an amazing team – Coaches and mentors help with marketing, strategy, spokesperson roles and survival training, providing experience, knowledge, and resources. They know they could never survive the competition without the help of others.

Partners and Alliances are a key part of the survival plan – These partnerships require trust, respect, watching each other’s back, working together, each offering their unique expertise and help from their strength areas. The intense focus on an external enemy allows them to accept and appreciate others who are very different.

These are just some ideas that I thought of quickly as I enjoyed remembering the movie. I’m sure there are many more. If you’ve seen the movie or read the book, what principles do you see?

And… if you are struggling with a type of “The Capital” in your own life or at work, may the odds be ever in your favor! 🙂 The application of some of these leadership principles might help!

learning to be thankful

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ID-10087368I’m not very good at being thankful. Well, maybe I’m not that bad when it means saying “thank you” to the waitress or the hotel clerk. I do that pretty well. I am less quick to express my gratitude to those closest to me… my husband, my family, my God. That is a bit ironic since they are the ones who give me the most and the best of themselves. They give over a long period of time. They give well.

I suppose it is that very consistency that leads me to take them for granted. I hardly notice the effort, or I deem it expected and obligatory… just an ordinary part of life.

But love and sacrifice are so not ordinary.

When a husband stays with his wife through hard times and sad times and keeps loving and laughing and giving and forgiving, that is something special. When children respect and enjoy their parents… and each other… in spite of hurts and differences and distance and time, that is something special. When God loves without limits, unconditionally and unendingly, that is something special.

Not to be taken for granted.

I want to notice these special gifts and be more grateful. Thanksgiving is such a wonderful reflective time of year. It so frequently gets lost in between the other holidays, and yet it is so important for me. I need the continual reminder.

So I don’t just expect and assume with those I love… so I remember to say “thank you”.

Who do you want to thank today? 

facilitating change

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IMGP0641 webChange: heart attitudes, training styles, organizational culture… and the world!

I just returned from a week in Kenya where I greatly enjoyed a transformational time with 50 of our African staff – to help them learn new training paradigms and materials to use with their new staff. Men and women, grandparents and young singles, they came from all over the continent: Ghana, Swaziland, Ethiopia, Niger, Zambia, Uganda, Zimbabwe, Cameroon, and more… They spoke English and French, in addition to many national ethnic tongues. They had up to 20 years of training experience or none. They work with students, business professionals, families, athletes and rural communities.

How to help such a diverse group desire, understand and prepare for change? Change is hard. Change is powerful.

We began with vision. Vision for them. Vision for their work. Vision for the organization. Vision for the world. We talked about the value, privilege and responsibility we experience when we invest in others’ lives.

They studied the character of those who are willing to change – humble, teachable, life-long learners, innovators, team players – and evaluated their own…

Our Design Team demonstrated the power of teamwork, adult learning, creative teaching methods, coaching processes and coaching groups, shared leadership, freedom to fail, and growth in community.

We also discussed the challenges and the barriers to change – their own personal internal struggles and the organizational struggles: traditions, aligning others, resources.

We modeled, and then they practiced with new tools… teaching new lessons, coaching each other, leading interactive groups, giving and receiving feedback.

Everyone ate well and slept little; we drank lots of tea; we shared life stories and prayed for each other. We became friends.

Together they decided on action points and next steps.

Our staff have a long road ahead of them. Change does not happen overnight. It does not happen easily. They will face opposition, and they will get tired and frustrated and discouraged in the process.

But I have hope for them. They are deeply committed to their people and their purpose. They serve a great God. They will help each other in a learning community. Change is healthy and necessary for the future.

I feel honored to have been part of the time. I look forward to what will happen in the future.

How do you respond to change? How do you help your people prepare for change?

questions for a destination

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Roundabout SignageHave you ever had a conversation with someone that went around and around in circles and ended without any resolution, next steps, or action plan? That might be OK for some informal or ideological discussions, but a coaching relationship helps the client make progress towards a goal.

An effective coaching process begins with the client (or spouse/child/co-worker/friend) choosing a personal or professional goal, and then discussing options and barriers with the help of open and probing questions from the coach. Once the client chooses their best option, it is time to move the conversation towards action steps.

I recently learned three types of questions that the coach can ask to help the client move forward: Direct, Revealing, and Ownership.

DIRECT Questions:

Good direct questions focus and challenge, but do not threaten or judge. They are neutral and inquire without using guilt. They avoid the word “why”. They ask for action or decision and point toward a positive outcome.

“What will you do?” “Do you want to focus on XXX or on XXXX?”
“What investigation have you done?”
“What might you need to do to ensure a good decision?”

REVEALING Questions:

Revealing questions help people “get out of the box” when they feel stuck and unable to move forward. They help the client discover the limitations (physical limitations, finances, fear, priorities, lack of information, etc) they view as unchangeable obstacles and look for creative alternatives.

“What if you thought outside of the normal structure?”
“Who else could help you?” “What could you do differently to free up new resources?” “What if you had four extra hours in your day?”
“If that difficult person wasn’t there, what would you do?

Another option is to help them imagine a new situation without the barrier… “What if you had all the time you needed, what would you do?” “If you couldn’t fail, what would you try?” “How would your perfect job look?”

OWNERSHIP Questions:

Ownership questions help people avoid blaming others and take responsibility for the action. They help take away justification, excuses, and passivity, and instead lead to growth opportunities.

“What might you have done that contributed to the conflict?”
“How can you make things better?” “What might you do differently?”
“Which step do you want to take?” “How do you want to do that?”

A last helpful tip or two… When your client talks about action steps, help them be as specific as possible and include timelines.

Usually, in a coaching situation, the coach is simply helping the client recall or use their own existing information and knowledge. If, as the coach, you feel the situation requires your input, ask permission before you speak!

“Can I challenge you on that?”
“Would you be open to hearing a different perspective?”

These questions can help us get out off of the roundabout and on to our destination!

Which of these questions might be most helpful to you?

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Many of these questions and more can be found in Leadership Coaching by Tony Stoltzfus. I highly recommend the book!

amazing birthday cake

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blowing candleThis is not a food blog, but this was too fun not to document somewhere! My sister and I made this cake years ago. It requires many not-in-my-fridge ingredients, takes a lot of work and many hours of time, but tastes amazing in the end.

Last time we made it, after we let the cake chill for three hours, we unveiled our creation… and it had cracked right down the middle. I swore I would never do it again!

… but I should know to never say never… and today we made the cake again in honor of my birthday. Nothing like spending all day making your own birthday cake!

It was actually a very fun way to spend the day with my sister… and even my husband, Steve, helped some! So while we are waiting for the cake to chill so we can eat it, I am going to post some pictures of the process for you. I wish I could share some of the cake with you!

The recipe is called Esther’s Orange Marmalade Layer Cake, and it is found in Jan Karon’s Christmas story, Esther’s Gift.

Picture2

Esther’s Gift is a short story of grace and generosity… and very fitting that I made the cake together with my sister, who has shown both grace and generosity in sharing her house with my husband and me while we are in transition.

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The cake tasted better than we remembered! Second chances are a good thing! Today I am especially grateful for the gifts of life, family and love… and second chances.

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Have you received an important second chance in your life?

Do you celebrate any special birthday traditions in your home?

el corazón del liderazgo

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heart_of_L_12_1_

Palabras de impacto. Excelente historia. Libro de fácil lectura. ¿Qué podría ser mejor?

Acepté la oportunidad de formar parte del equipo de lanzamiento del nuevo libro de Mark Miller, The Heart of Leadership (El CORAZÓN del LIderazgo). Lo leí en unas pocas horas(!), pero estaré refiriéndome de nuevo a él durante mucho tiempo.

Sin carácter de liderazgo,
a nadie le importan tus habilidades.

El libro de Mark cuenta la historia de Blake Brown y su búsqueda por aquello que hace a un líder diferente después de haber perdido una ascenso de liderazgo. Blake busca la ayuda de su mentora, Debbie Brewster, quien lo manda a entrevistarse con cinco personas especiales. Cada una de las cinco comparte con Blake un elemento del carácter de liderazgo. Blake hace tanto un cambio en su corazón en el proceso, como en su liderazgo en casa y en el trabajo. 

Este libro es de lectura fácil, sencilla y rápida… pero de gran profundidad en su contenido. Aquí hay un pequeño resumen de los puntos claves de The HEART of Leadership (El CORAZÓN del Liderazgo), pero ¡te recomiendo mucho que compres el libro!

H

AMBRE POR SABIDURÍA   La sabiduría afecta todas nuestras decisiones. Mark menciona cuatro maneras para cultivar un hambre por sabiduría: 1) enfocarse en la búsqueda y no en el resultado; 2) estar abierto a las aportaciones, nuevas ideas, opiniones diferentes; 3) crecer constantemente y 4) establecer una red de mentores para   pedir consejo. 

E 2SPERAR LO MEJOR   Los líderes ven el potencial, lo que podría ser. Generalmente son optimistas y creen lo mejor de los demás y de ellos mismos. No ignoran la realidad o los hechos, pero por lo general ven el vaso 100% lleno – ¡mitad líquido… y mitad aire!

A 2CEPTAR RESPONSABILIDAD   Mark dice que los líderes “se apropian” de sus acciones y de las acciones de los demás. Aceptan la responsabilidad cuando el equipo fracasa. Los líderes no culpan a otros; evitan el orgullo y el complacer a las personas y… ¡dan el honor a otros!   

RESPONDER CON VALENTÍA   Los líderes no dudan cuando se topan con situaciones difíciles o desafiantes; toman la iniciativa para mediar relaciones rotas, desafiar a la gente a crecer o tomar decisiones difíciles o poco populares. Puede que se equivoquen alguna vez, pero deciden actuar.  

T(THINK) PENSAR PRIMERO EN OTROS   Este es el punto más importante de todos. El líder siervo trabaja para asegurarse que los demás tengan éxito y que se sientan honrados y valorados… pero debe actuar con una actitud de corazón sincera; no puede fingir o manipular.

Al leer el libro de Mark, sentí numerosos tirones en mi corazón en cada capítulo. Al igual que el imaginario Blake, descubrí evidentes áreas débiles y muchas otras en las que puedo mejorar. Mark usa un iceberg para ilustrar que tan sólo el 10% del liderazgo son las habilidades que se muestran sobre el agua y el 90% del liderazgo es el carácter de liderazgo debajo de la superficie.

Nuestros hogares y trabajo y el mundo necesitan líderes con gran carácter… con gran CORAZÓN. Estoy lista para trabajar en mi CORAZÓN. ¿Quieres cambiar el mundo conmigo?

______________________

MarkMiller_About_179x240_050813

Mark Miller, reconocido líder de negocios, autor de best-sellers y comunicador, está emocionado por compartir The Heart of Leadership: Becoming a Leader People Want to Follow (El Corazón del Liderazgo: Convirtiéndose en un Líder que la Gente Quiere Seguir) con aquellos que están listos para dar los próximos pasos.

Puedes descargar un capítulo muestra GRATUITO o comprar el libro completo en Amazon o cualquier librería.

También puedes seguir a Mark Miller en Twitter @LeadersServe y a través de su excelente blog Great Leaders Serve.