how do you want to be remembered?

Posted on October 9, 2013 by terry morgan

How do I want to be remembered when I die? Not something I think about very often… or want to.

However, attending a memorial service this past weekend caused me to think about things that I am often too busy to consider.

My father-in-law died a few weeks ago (about one year after his beloved wife, Nancy) and we gathered for a very special time with family and friends to share stories, hugs, tears, and time together. Meals, music, and memories filled the days. We remembered Bob as family, friend, coach, and faithful husband.

Bob’s life did not begin easily. His father deserted the family when Bob was young, and Bob ran the streets unsupervised with his “river rats” pals. There are plenty of stories about their escapades and mischief… and probably some that still remain untold! Bob
credited the Marines and basketball for turning his life around, teaching him the discipline, values, and commitments that characterized his later life.

At Bob’s memorial, we looked at picture boards and video presentations and listened to some of his favorite songs and people share about his life. Over 80+ years, Bob left a lasting legacy.

PERSONALLY – Bob invested his life with passion into those things he loved and enjoyed. Bob served bravely and proudly in the Marines. After his tour of duty, Bob dedicated his life to his love of basketball. He played in college, and then coached for many years, winning the 1971 Wisconsin State Championship for high school boys’ basketball… and many years later, he came out of retirement to coach a win-less, small-town, girls’ team to their only winning season. Bob loved the “lake”: fishing, pontoon rides, and the spectacular seasonal views from his front porch. He also loved all kinds of music and enthusiastically sang and played with family and friends through the years. He was famous for his Louis Armstrong karaoke version of “What a Wonderful World”, and we sang it at his service.

What are you passionate about?
Are you investing your time, abilities, energy and resources there?

RELATIONSHIPS – Even without early strong role models, Bob left a legacy of strong family bonds and loyalty. Bob adored his wife Nancy; it was obvious to all who knew them. His family laughed together, cried together, disagreed, and forgave each other… always staying close and enjoying time together. Bob also developed long-term friends from all walks of life. He was friendly and witty, and had a special place in his heart for the underdog. The Morgan campfire always warmly welcomed family and loved-like-family friends.

How are your relationships? Are they committed, loving, loyal, deep?

FINANCIALLY – Bob was a high school teacher and coach… not highly paid professions. Yet, Bob and Nancy were excellent stewards of their resources. In life, they were thoughtful gift-givers and traveled frequently to visit family. They opened their home and hearts to many, some for short visits, others for long-term care. They wintered in South Padre, TX for many years, enjoying warm weather and dear friends. When they died, they left an inheritance to their children. They were generous in life and in death.

Are you a good steward of what you have earned/received?
Are you generous to others?

FAITH – Bob and Nancy both demonstrated a personal faith and encouraged it in others. They faithfully attended church through the years, although the particular denomination was not important. Personally, I am grateful for how they encouraged our missionary family and prayed for us, even when they knew that our faith choices meant our family would never live near to them. Both Bob and Nancy understood God’s gift of
forgiveness and were at peace when they died.

Where are you on your faith journey?
Would you be at peace with God if you were to die today?

Bob and Nancy have helped me reflect on my own “wonderful world” and the legacy I want to leave behind… How about you? How do you want to be remembered?

a place of community

Posted on August 29, 2013 by terry morgan

I have just been blessed with a few days of family vacation time in the gorgeous Colorado mountains. My dad has a rustic cabin next to the Conejos River, and for many years the extended family (and some special friends) meet there to relax, fish, play games, and eat WAY TOO MUCH. It is a special time and provides sweet memories that last for the rest of the year.

Family get-togethers help me practice being grateful for varieties of talents and differences of opinions! Although we get along amazingly well even with the diversity represented at these gatherings, our personal preferences definitely surface…

Some like to talk while others want to sleep in the hammock
Some want to fish; others want to read on the porch
Some sing; others play games or do puzzles
Some enjoy “olympics” competitions; other a talent show
Some shoot; others hike; some run trails
Some tell jokes; others laugh ’til they cry
Some sleep in late; others go to bed early
Some cook; others just eat… and eat… and eat

There is a lot of freedom at the cabin – not much judgement or criticism when we choose to do our own thing. There are usually plenty of people around for any activity, and there is plenty of space to find solitude too. Experts teach how to play guitar or fish or build something; those who think they are experts have a captive audience for their lectures.

We work hard to accommodate each other; bigger families get the bigger rooms, and showers get shortened (except by the teenagers) to save hot water. There is no agenda or schedule or routine. We share groceries, dinner prep, and clean up. We watch out for each other’s children and dogs – with only minimal complaining. It is a place of real community… and love.

Reflecting on that special time, I wonder why I don’t act like that more often… more at rest with time and more at peace with the people around me. Why can’t I judge less what others choose and enjoy more fully what I am doing? Why can’t I give up my space, comfort, and expectations without a negative attitude?

I am hoping this year that I don’t just remember the fun activities, but also the heart attitudes and the shared service that made it so much fun. I hope I can apply those principles not only to vacation, but to everyday life also.

What does your family enjoy together? What do you learn from those times?

destroying double standards

Posted on August 19, 2013 by terry morgan

Last week I re-posted in honor of my anniversary,”Tips for a long-lasting marriage or friendship“. The first tip I listed was partnership.

Then this morning I was reading the chapter, “Making Your Partner a Real Partner” from Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg… so I have partnership on the brain today!

Sandberg writes mainly advocating for women in leadership, but this chapter advocates very much for men.

One thing that has concerned me through the years has been the limited role of men in home and family. As a woman blessed to have a spouse who has been a “real partner” for our 28 years of marriage, I find it easy to advocate for real partnership in marriage, home, and work.

Sandberg mentions various barriers to real partnership at home that I have seen and experienced myself. She also suggests ways to overcome the barriers. I wonder if you can relate to any of these?

1. Empowerment

Just as woman struggle with lack of empowerment in the business world, men often face a lack of empowerment at home.Too many times I have heard women criticize their husbands’ for how they feed, dress, or interact with their children. In my opinion, these women not only sound disrespectful and insulting, but also prideful, and they are doing their marriage partnership a great disservice (and increasing their own work load). Sandberg correctly states, “Anyone who wants her mate to be a true partner must treat him as an equal–and equally capable–partner.“¹ it is fine to choose task assignments according to preference or skill, but assuming and communicating that a man cannot do (or learn to do) a good job at home is demeaning and de-motivating. On the other hand, empowering will help to take down the barriers between real partners.

2. Encouragement

Derogatory jokes, lack of role models, and social stereotypes all make it more difficult for men to openly and actively participate as full partners at home. I have known a few men who were the primary care-givers for their children. I have known more men who shared equally home and family responsibilities (my husband included).Others teased, questioned, and sometimes isolated these men because of their desire and commitment to actively engage as true partners, rather than praised and honored for their choices.Thankfully, these men did not have the (oft-ascribed) fragile male egos I am frequently warned about, and they refused to be discouraged or dissuaded by stereotypical expectations. Men and women both can do a better job at encouraging men when they act as true partners.

3. Employment policies

Most companies do not offer men the same paternal benefits that are available to women. According to Sandberg, “Only two states offer paid family leave that fathers can use”². Men often pay an even bigger penalty than women via social pressure, low performance ratings,and fewer advancement opportunities if they take time off to prioritize family needs. I believe we need to improve the organizational/governmental policies and laws to support true partnership.

Sandberg claims that true marriage partnership results in greater satisfaction, less divorce, and more sex³, and greater father involvement produces “higher levels of psychological well-being and better cognitive abilities”⁴ and “higher levels of educational and economic achievement and lower delinquency rates”⁴ for the children. These benefits motivate me to work to eliminate the double standards that inhibit true partnership.

Are there ways you can improve true partnership in your marriage?

If you are dating, are you establishing true partnership patterns today for future marriage?

——-

**For more chapter summaries from Lean In, read here and here.

¹ Sandberg, Sheryl. Lean In. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2013, pg. 109, para. 2.

² Ibid, pg. 113, para. 2.

³ Ibid, pg. 118, para. 1.

⁴ Ibid, pg. 113, para. 1.

a bucket list

Posted on August 6, 2013 by terry morgan

I read recently that the words “bucket list” are going out of style, as trendy words sometimes do after overuse during a period of time.

Personally, since doctors gave my mom the terminal cancer diagnosis, I have not been too concerned about the trendiness or overuse of the word. It is much more important to me that she is living her bucket list.

The pictures in this post are of my mom. In a kayak. Out in the ocean. Way out. With seals and (big!) boats and waves.

Remember, my mom is almost 80 years old and fighting cancer with bi-weekly chemo treatments. She is fragile and weak. She hates to fly and has to smoke… BUT she traveled to San Diego to spend time at the ocean she loves with a friend who loves her… AND she took a seven hour adventure in a kayak… and she loved it!

I am so proud of her.

Too often I let fear or inconvenience or what-others-will-think get in my way of trying something new or pursuing a dream or taking on a challenge. I can settle for comfortable instead of fulfilling, good enough instead of invigorating, status quo instead of satisfying.

But I want a life that is more than just adequate. I believe God created me for an abundant life. I want to live all-out and full-force with less hesitation and more heart, fewer petty concerns and more passion, less worry and more freedom.

Tim McGraw sings a country song that says, “I hope someday you have the chance to live like you were dying”. My mom is helping me learn to live that way.

How about you? Do you have a bucket list? What holds you back from living life to the fullest today?

flashbacks and memories

Posted on July 29, 2013 by terry morgan

She would have been on the porch waiting and watching anxiously for our arrival. She would have walked slowly over the gravel rocks to the parking area to bear hug each one as they exited from the car doors. With a sweet, gentle smile, she would have commented on how each child had grown, how good they looked, and expressed how happy she was that we were here… but, she wasn’t there this time.

The house seems quiet without her, but her presence is everywhere: her handiwork on the walls, her pictures on the fridge, her jackets still hanging and occasionally borrowed for a walk down the lane.

Conversations frequently turn to her… “Must be weird for you to be here…”, “First time back since…”, “I miss her too…”. Eyes fill with tears.

I missed her especially in the kitchen, where she was often, brewing the morning coffee, making up a quick snack or a full meal, answering the phone, taking notes, finishing crossword puzzles, always with a warm welcome when we came upstairs.She probably would have baked a cake for her firstborn’s special visit… but there was no welcome cake this year.

I missed her at the campfire too. How she laughed at the antics of the dogs and the people. How she loved to listen to the music. She would smile so proudly and compliment each musician in turn. She would sing along with the favorites and listen carefully to new melodies. This year, Papa sat alone at the fire-pit.

Papa is so sad and lost without her. The love of his life is gone and life feels empty and lonely and long.

I understand. I miss her too. Her life was a legacy. I know she’s in a good place with no more illness or hurt, but that doesn’t lessen our pain here. It’s only been a year, but her absence will be felt forever. ♥

Have you lost someone special? Are there special places or times that remind you of them?

new car nostalgia

Posted on July 15, 2013 by terry morgan

We are selling our car and buying another one. That happens all the time. Not a big deal for some people, but others will understand when I say that this is a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. Don’t get me wrong… I am excited to have a new(er) car. This one is the size, miles, price, and even color that we wanted. We are buying from a very reputable dealer, and we even get to trade in our old car. So what is my problem?

Trading in the “old” car is the problem. You see, the old car is full of memories… many years full of memories. The old car was a miracle gift from very special friends. It has carried my whole family – plus a few friends – to and from our international home more times than I can count. It has been full to overflowing on the way to conferences, retreats, vacations, and school trips.

The car has transported our garage sale treasures, numerous could-you-help-me-move-this items, and all of our children’s belongings when we left them at college. Last summer, we took our last big (crazy!) family trip in that car – seven of us and a dog – from Colorado to Wisconsin to visit my husband’s mom just before she passed away.

Yes, the car is full of memories. Memories of a time gone by when all my children were at home with me. Now the car is too big for just my husband and me. It is getting old – as we are – and starting to break down more often – as we are… it is time for a change.

I’m sure that just a few hours in the new car will convince me. It is smaller, more practical, more gas efficient, more modern… just right for our new life. It will be fine – even good for us – but I will miss the old car… and I will be thankful for the memories.

What brings back memories for you? Are there items that have been emotionally hard for you to let go?

why work-life “balance” doesn’t work

Posted on July 1, 2013 by terry morgan

Today I am presenting a re-blog post by my friend, Susan DiMickele. She is the author of Working Women of the Bible and other books.

For many years I struggled with the idea of seeking “balance” for all areas of life. I often used “tension” or “rhythm” as a better word, but I enjoyed how Susan described the issue on her blog. I think you are going to like it also…
________

I frequently am asked the question: “How do you achieve work-life balance?”

My standard response used to be, “Well, I pray and I maintain a sense of humor.”

But then I got to thinking. Who am I really kidding? Most weeks, there is no balance in my life. Why don’t I just admit it?

And I don’t think I’m alone. The word “balance” just doesn’t describe the lives of most working professionals I know.

Please continue reading here!

Also, if you want to read more about Susan’s excellent book, Working Women of the Bible, I wrote a post about it here.

so grateful for…

Posted on June 10, 2013 by terry morgan

I woke up too early this morning. I was (more than) a bit grumpy since I really didn’t want to be alert at that hour, but almost immediately some special people came to my mind, and I decided to take advantage of the peaceful quiet to pray for them.

The minutes began to add up as more and more people filled my groggy thoughts, and my grumpiness began to convert into gratitude. I have many wonderful people in my life. They are kind and brave and fun and generous. I began to make a list; I am proud of so many of them…

My mom – Although I know she was afraid of the cancer diagnosis and almost ready to die because of the pain, she chose bravely to undergo the surgery and the chemo treatments. She is making the most of her good days with friends and family, often doing favors for others. It isn’t always easy, but she is strong and an encouragement to me.

My husband – He has traveled to take care of his dad this week; I know it is hard for him there. It is discouraging to experience his dad depressed and weak and sad, a shadow of the man he used to be… Despite the challenges, my husband is sacrificially serving his dad – cleaning, cooking and being a companion. I miss him when he’s gone, but I am glad he is there with his dad.

My family – In my family and my husband’s family, there are others who do the major share of the care for our elderly parents. While we may fill in from time to time, they are present or on call almost every day. I am impressed by their willing hearts and their attention to innumerable details. I know it is frustrating and exhausting at times. They are my heroes.

My children – I am really proud of my children. They are each one very unique and gifted in so many ways. They are also imperfect and have all kinds of normal challenges and problems, but I love the adults they are becoming. I especially like that they love me too.

My friends – Both those from the past and my new friends from this year have added much joy to my life. I am inspired by their faith and their desire to grow and their determination to keep moving forward. Some of them have had to overcome some very difficult trials and hurts, but I see them committed to healing and wholeness and finding the strength to help others. I have received abundantly from their generous lives, and I am grateful for each one of them.

I never did get back to sleep… my list continued on and on, and I eventually realized it was a very blessed life I was waking up to meet. Not a bad way to start the day.

Who is on your grateful list? Who makes you proud?

let them fly

Posted on May 14, 2013 by terry morgan

My “baby” (just finished her freshman year in college) boarded a plane this morning to take an international flight… all. by. herself. I am a bit nervous. I am anxiously awaiting updates as she makes her way through three flights, three airports, immigration and customs, money changing, and a bus ride to a destination where she will finally connect with friends. I will be counting the hours… minutes… seconds?

I go through second guessing… Is she ready for this? Did I tell her everything she needs to know? Will she get stuck somewhere?

And then I remember… I raised her to do this. I am not an overly protective, micro-managing, hovering type of mother. I want her to be confident, try new things, step out of her comfort zone, take adventures. I want her to figure it out on her own… or be able to ask for help. I want her to make her own (wise) decisions, trust her instincts, lean on her faith, be strong and not afraid of the unknown.

I want this for all my children… and I want this for those I supervise at work and in ministry. One of the hardest things to do is to let them fly on their own… be in charge, take over, make the decisions. One of the key lessons in leadership is: get. out. of. the. way. Let others lead.

Will they make mistakes? Yes.

Will they make poor decisions? Sometimes.

Will they need help? Sure.

Good training, modeling, and coaching is crucial, but there comes a time when it is really only our pride and our fear that stand in the way. I have seen many leaders that hang on to leadership for too long, wearing too many “hats” of responsibility that could be released to others. I’ve done this myself. But I’ve learned that when we sense a lack of leader candidates, they oftentimes step up only when we are out-of-the-way and there is a real gap to fill.

It’s OK to feel nervous… to worry a bit from the sidelines… even to remain available for a quick touch-point .. but it is not OK to hold them back by our own fear or selfishness.

Let them lead. Let them go. Let them fly.

Is is hard for you to let go? How have you learned to let others lead?

working women of the Bible

Posted on March 11, 2013 by terry morgan

One of the things I like best about Twitter is the new people who I have met in the tweeting process. There are some “crazies” out there as in all of life, but I have also been privileged to interact with leadership experts, soul sisters, and wise life-practitioners.

Susan DiMickele happens to be an incredible combination of all three. Susan and I have never met face-to-face, but we hope to someday. Susan tweets at: @SusanDiMickele and blogs at: www.susandimickele.com. Susan has been a trial lawyer for nearly 18 years and a mother for 12 years. She describes herself as “an author who writes about the working mom’s struggle to live out an authentic faith in a complex and fast-paced world“. Susan has written a new book that will go on sale this week! (pre-sale available now)

I had the exciting opportunity to pre-read Working Women of the Bible and provide a review of the book. This is basically what I wrote…

“Working Women of the Bible is a unique, refreshing, and encouraging book about women and work. Many believe in error that the Bible mandates all women to work only at home, barefoot and pregnant, with their main role being to serve the men in their life. Susan DiMickele demonstrates that God offers an incredible variety of work options for women of faith. . . and He has provided women mentors from many different situations to guide us. Bible stories, personal experiences, and individual reflection questions combine to create a motivating and challenging resource. The mentors you meet in this book will inspire and empower you… and your work!”

In the book’s introduction, Susan writes: As much as I try to juggle it all—home, work, marriage, kids—I often wish, “Could somebody just please show me how it’s supposed to be done?” and Too often, we forget that the women of the Bible worked. And they worked hard. They made mistakes, and they didn’t give in. In many ways, their stories are our stories.

I really enjoyed Susan’s fresh perspective and practical applications. She helped me let go of the “superwoman” phantom and find hope in second chances. If this sounds good to you, visit your favorite book seller this week and pick up a copy of Working Women of the Bible for yourself and/or a friend. You won’t regret it!

Have you ever studied the working women of the Bible? Who is your mentor?

___________

Susan is also the author of Chasing Superwoman: A Working Mom’s Adventures in Life and Faith (David C. Cook, 2010). She has authored articles in both secular and faith-based publications, including, ”War of the Worlds,” a recent article in Home Life Magazine (February 2011) that candidly discusses the need for common ground between stay-at home mothers and mothers who work outside the home. While Susan strives to be at the top of her profession, her greatest desire is to use her God-given gifts to be the woman He created.