Category Archives: learning and leading

what is hospitality?

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Copyright Sarah Joelle Photography http://www.sarahjoellephotography.com/

Copyright Sarah Joelle Photography http://www.sarahjoellephotography.com/

People have told me that I have the gift of hospitality, but after what I read today, I am not so sure.

The word hospitality comes from the Latin hospes, meaning “host”, “guest”, or “stranger”. In some foreign or ancient cultures, the act of hospitality – welcoming strangers into the home – was necessary for survival, Today, it is often defined in Western culture simply as a warm, friendly reception for guests, involving etiquette and entertainment.

I like to have people in my home. Over the years, I have had plenty of room, extra beds or at least sleeping bags and carpet, and abundant blankets and pillows. I have had the means to buy or cook extra food. I usually knew the people who stayed with me, or at least they came recommended by others. My guests were usually clean, educated, polite, and with mostly similar values. I could easily go about my day-to-day activities, even with guests in my home.

I gave only out of my abundance.

Here are a few of the challenging quotes I read today:

“…we must continue to beg the stranger to come into our lives because in the stranger may come the only honesty and insight we can get in our plastic worlds.” (p 125)

“It is easy to give clothes to the poor but refuse to honor the ones to whom we have given the goods.” (p. 127)

Hospitality is when: “Everyone receives a warm answer – on the phone, at the door, in the office. Sarcasm has no room here. Put-downs have no room here. One-upmanship has no room here. Classism has no room here.” (p, 127-128)

“…hospitality demands the extra effort, the extra time, the extra care that stretches beyond and above the order of the day.” (p. 128)

“We have to wonder how we can help the poor at the doorstep who live thousands of miles away. Hospitality says that the problem is mine, not someone else’s. It is my door and my heart upon which these people are knocking for attention.” (p. 129)

“Real hospitality lies in bending some efforts to change things, to make a haven for the helpless, to be voice for the voiceless. We have to learn to take our own sense of home to others.” (p. 130)

“I cannot fool myself into thinking that being nice to those who are my kind and my class suffices for the moral dimensions of hospitality.” (p. 130)

“Hospitality is the way we turn a prejudiced world around, one heart at a time.” (p. 130)

“…hospitality is the willingness to be interrupted and inconvenienced…” (p. 131)

“Hospitality doesn’t exist unless we go out of ourselves for someone else at least once a day.” (p. 132)

“Hospitality is one of those things that has to be constantly practiced or it won’t be there for the rare occasion.” (p. 132)

Hospitality “is an act of the recklessly generous heart.” (p. 132)

I think you can see why I am re-evaluating my “gift” of hospitality. I have a long way to go before it could be said that I give from a “recklessly generous heart”. I have a lot to think about… and apply!

How hospitable are you? Which of these aspects of hospitality do you do well? Which ones challenge you to do better?

_________________

These challenging quotes come from the book Wisdom Distilled from the Dally, by Joan D. Chittister.

My daughter took the incredibly beautiful photograph of the table setting. Check out her amazing photography at Sarah Joelle Photography.

carrots, eggs or coffee?

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carrots eggs coffeeA modern-day parable making its rounds on social media… if you haven’t read this already, it might encourage you!

______________

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as she dealt with one problem, a new one would pop up.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire, and soon the pots came to boil. In the first pot she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, “Tell me what you see.”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied. Her grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The grandmother then asked the granddaughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the grandmother asked the granddaughter to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma then asked,

“What does it mean, grandmother?”

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter.

Are you the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do you wilt and become soft and lose your strength?

Are you the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did you have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship, or some other trial, have you become hardened and stiff? Does your shell look the same, but on the inside are youI bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or are you like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, the coffee releases fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

~~Author Unknown

One more reason to love my coffee… a great object lesson for life!

When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

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All three photographs are courtesy of morgueFile free photo archive: http://www.morguefile.com/

who gets the credit?

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copyright symbolHave you ever had a co-worker talk to the boss and take recognition for your idea? Or a friend blame you for something that was not your fault? Have you withheld a deserved compliment out of competition or envy?

I’ve been reading, The Elements of Ethics, by W. Brad Johnson and Charles R. Ridley. They say:

“In applying the principle of ownership,
failing to give credit where credit is due
and taking credit where credit is not due,
in effect, are acts of stealing.”¹

Stealing is taking something that does not belong to you. There are lots of ways people steal: shoplifting, burglary, looting, mugging, bribery, embezzlement, identity theft, kidnapping, and rape are just a few.²

Not long ago, I was looking for a fellow worker’s notes from a talk. When I did a Google search, I found the notes, almost word for word… in someone else’s webpage! My co-worker had copied the post and passed the notes off as their own, giving no credit to the original writer. I was really disappointed. Plagiarism is a form of stealing sadly too common in my area.

Recently, I have spent a lot of time at work trying to give credit correctly for written articles and photographs that we use in our training materials. It is tedious, time-consuming, non-glamorous, in-the-background work. Very few people will notice the work I (and our lawyers) am doing to obtain the permissions and the non-licensed photographs. Someone might notice if we do not make this effort, but not likely… so why do I do it?

I am also learning to not give credit that is not deserved. Have you ever been asked to give a reference for someone and you wanted to “be nice“, so you said only the good things? Or have you written a really positive letter of recommendation that “slightly” exaggerated the person’s good points? Have you complimented someone’s work or appearance to gain favor? Johnson and Ridley say, “It is just as dishonest to make baseless recommendations as it is to steal someone’s idea.”³  Wow. Challenging. I have been “nice” too many times…

Maybe because some of my children are musicians and photographers, I am more sensitive to protecting deserved credit. I don’t know. I do know that this chapter has given more strength to my convictions in this area.

How about you? Do you give too much or too little credit to others? How could you do a better job at giving appropriate credit?

______________

¹Johnson, W.B. & Ridley, C. R. (2008) The Elements of Ethics for Professionals. [Kindle Edition] (Location 2219)

²ibid. (Location 2208)

³ibid. (Location 2235)

like a girl

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Procter and Gamble did an awesome commercial about moms for the Sochi olympics. They’ve done another great one with this challenging and inspiring video about the comment “like a girl”.

What does “like a girl” mean to you? How can you help rewrite the rules?

____________

You might also like to read: moving toward advocacy, do nice girls finish last?

rest is a four letter word

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bedroom I grew up with a hard-driving military father. We had jobs to do in the house, yard, garden, or apple orchard. Five children meant there was always plenty of work to do. My dad liked sports and outdoor activities, so we often woke up early to go hiking or skiing or play tennis. The only time we could lay around on the couch or watch TV was if we were sick – really sick.

It is no wonder that I continue to work hard today and have often felt guilty about rest. I’m not busy with yard work or gardening or housework these days, but I enjoy my job, and I like to stay active. I don’t particularly like to sleep, and I rarely watch any television… but I am learning how to rest.

Rest is not just sleep or no physical activity, although it certainly can involve that. Dictionaries say that rest includes relaxation, refreshment, and recovering strength. One definition includes a peace of mind or spirit and to be free from anxiety or disturbance. Another definition mentions a period or interval of repose, solitude, or tranquillity. 

No matter how much we love what we do, or how much work we think we have to do, rest is powerful… and necessary. I read a good post by Michael Hyatt this week about rest, and it helped me reflect on some good reasons for rest:

Rest builds physical strength. Athletes and trainers know that after a challenging workout, the body needs rest to recover, prevent injuries and increase endurance. Sleep, stretching, hydration and nutrition are all important. As I get older, I recognize this more and more.

Rest deepens relationships. Relaxing times with family and friends give me time for full engagement and quality interaction. Play, long conversations, stories, and laughter help me feel refreshed and provide me with healthy connections and community. When I am well rested, I have more to offer others.

Rest invigorates the mind. If I go too long without rest for my mind, my brain feels like scrambled eggs, and I struggle to sort out my thoughts and feelings. When I get away from the daily “to-do” list and anxieties to daydream and let my mind wander, I find that I can think clearly about the less urgent but very important issues like future plans, past reflections, and creativity.

Rest rejuvenates the soul. According to the Bible, even God rested! 🙂 To “let go” of my responsibilities for a bit reminds me of the truth that I am not all-important. Time to breathe deeply, pray, and listen calmly encourages me to find right perspective and contentment.

Rest is often used as a noun for a support, like an arm rest or a chin rest. This reminds me that I often need other people to help me rest. I am so grateful for those in my life who rest well, and they encourage me to rest also.

Well, now that I have this post finished, I am off to rest while watching a World Cup game!

Do you struggle with taking time to rest? Or are you someone who helps other people get away to relax? What are some of your favorite ways to rest well?

____

You might also like to read: a rhythm of rest

lessons from a wreck

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accidentSomeone hit our car last night. It’s the second time in a few weeks that the poor car is in the shop for repairs through no fault of our own. Bummer.

On the other hand, I am so very grateful that there were no serious injuries, and we have a great insurance company that is taking care of the details. A few inconveniences and hours lost, but it could have been so much worse.

After the adrenaline coursed through my veins, I had opportunity for reflection and perspective since my life was (literally) shaken up a bit that night.

First, one more reminder of the frailty of life. My mom’s cancer is a frequent reminder, but this hit even closer to home. My husband and I are finally in the process of renewing our will. We are not going to put that off. We want to prepare to make the process easier for our family… just in case. (How about you? Do you have your will and important papers in order?)

Second, friends make a big difference. We were on our way to dinner when the wreck occurred. Instead, our friends came to join us on the side of the road for the four-hour mostly-waiting-around process. Their presence and companionship was soothing, entertaining 🙂 and encouraging. We are so grateful for them and their gift of time.

Young kids can act foolish. Two young men racing down the road by our house caused the accident. They lost control, hit each other, ricocheted into us, and skidded into a grass median yards ahead. One car totaled; the other banged up, and they stumbled out of the cars laughing. They are not the car owners; they probably do not think about the inconvenience, the increased insurance rates, the diminished vehicle values, the possible harm they could have caused. Someday they will.

Family is important. Ten or more vehicles arrived over time to check on the guys and offer concern, care, and community. There may have been frustration or anger too; we didn’t see that. It was good to see the support that rallied for the young men. They made a mistake, but they have a better chance to learn from it when people care about them.

Forgiveness is key… even for little things. My emotions swung first from concern for the young men to frustration with their apparent lack of concern. I could have let that frustration simmer into a distrust of all “young people” for their immaturity and foolish choices. But that would serve no purpose. Plus, it would be unjust, since there are many young people who are careful drivers, responsible, and making choices to better our world every day. I’d rather focus my emotional energy there.

Have you been in an accident? How did you respond? What have you learned from that experience?

taking higher ground

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Hikers in mountains, circa 1995 from Flickr via Wylio

“Traveling down the high road can be a lonely experience.” ~ W. Brad Johnson

I started this post when reading for my one of my MA classes. It is almost spooky how life has confirmed much of what I wrote in the months since, even though I had totally forgotten about this post.

No matter how many years go by, I keep learning more about myself and the deeper, ulterior motives that affect my attitudes and actions.

So that we can learn together (I don’t like to do much of anything alone!), I am sharing some of these challenging ideas with you. This list comes from the first chapter of The Elements of Ethics by W. Brad Johnson. He is suggests that these are essential elements of integrity:

(**Fair Warning: This is not an easy list!)

  1. Become congruent – truthful with oneself and consistent at all times and in all relationships (Nothing easy here, but a key to people considering us “safe” and trustworthy.)
  2. Stay transparent – openness, frankness, full disclosure (activities, commitments, relationships) Evasive = Suspicious
  3. Make yourself accountable – No excuses. Take responsibility. Tell the truth.
  4. Invite peer review – Constructive feedback is our friend. Invite others to honestly review and evaluate. Without sugar-coating.
  5. Present your credentials and services accurately – No inflating or misrepresenting achievements, experiences or results.
  6. Ensure emotional and physical fitness – Admit fatigue, burnout, or life circumstances that impair best effort. Be alert of warning signs. Seek help.
  7. Protect confidential information – Think before you speak. Protect others’ privacy with vigilance. Avoid and stop gossip.
  8. Know your moral vulnerabilities – Invincibility is an illusion. Be self-aware of weaknesses. Let others help.
  9. Identify your private agendas – Guard against hidden agendas and wrong motives.
  10. Do not count the cost of integrity – There is a price: inconvenience, self-denial, social isolation, passive-aggressive attacks, persecution. Do the right thing anyway.
  11. Rectify missteps immediately – Don’t aim for perfection. Admit mistakes. Apologize. Laugh at yourself. Give grace to others.
  12. Stand your ground under pressure – Anticipate the pressure to compromise. Practice a response. Find others who can help you.
  13. Do not be a hypocrite – No pretense. No manipulation. No self-serving.

I especially related to #6, #8, and #11. I don’t like weakness. I want perfection. I know in my head it is impossible, but I still want it in my heart. This chapter helped me to recognize that desire for perfection is a stumbling block for me, rather than a help.

#10 is also good. In past jobs, I paid a price for integrity choices that surprised and hurt me. I don’t know why I thought it would be easy. I want to have more realistic expectations in the future and have a team who stands with me in those difficult decisions.

Ok… your turn! Which of these elements challenge you? Which are most important for your integrity? How do you take the high ground?

 

how I write… a blog hop

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So… I accepted an invitation to try something new – a blog hop! One of the best things about blogging is meeting and interacting with new people and this blog hop is an example of that…

vivian (2)An inspiring lady, impressive writer, and new-and-growing-deeper friend, Vivan Mabuni, introduced me to the idea. She has recently published her first book, Warrior in Pink, about her cancer battle. She is authentic and passionate and wise. You will want to read more from her!

For this blog hop, each person answers the four questions below for their readers about how they write, so here we go….

1) What am I writing or working on? 

I write posts on life and leadership. Sometimes work themes have the most influence on my thoughts and writing, sometimes M.A. studies trigger my brain; sometimes my personal life circumstances are what weigh most heavily. Many times topics are interwoven, because they are equally affected by character and growth. No matter what the context, those areas are important – hence my blog title “Maturitas Cafe”… maturitas means maturity in Latin. (I also like to add a post about coffee now and then!)

2) How does my work differ from others of its genre? 

I think that my experience of almost 20 years living in another country gives me a unique perspective on much of life. I have also traveled to many parts of the world, led in a multi-national organization, raised four children, been married for almost 30 years, and believe that my faith is integral to it all. I love the interaction of many ideas and points of view, and I want leaders from all walks of life to feel welcome in the community here.

3) Why do I write what I do? 

I verbally process my ideas, and my husband encouraged me to start a blog. I have since recognized that when I write, I connect with the life ideas, struggles, challenges, and joys of many others. I do not intentionally teach on my blog, because I am also learning. I do not lecture, because I am often writing from my pain or failures. And I do not preach, because we are all on the faith journey at our own pace. I do love to hear that I have encouraged someone or given them hope or that they are going to try a new idea. I write because it helps me – and others – learn and grow.

4) How does my writing process work?

I do not consider myself a “writer”, but I do understand “writer’s block”. Actually my block is usually my busyness. I write when I have time to think and process… and I feel inspired with an idea. Occasionally, I force myself to write something for the discipline of having a weekly post. I write after I have ranted on about something to my husband, and he says, “You could write a post about that”. I write when I have a new resource to share. When I sit down to write, I usually write fast and furiously, so I don’t lose the idea. Then, I often ask my husband to check it before I post, so I don’t say something I will regret later! 🙂

So now you know a bit more about me and my blog… maybe you will decide to start a blog sometime! I hope you will continue to visit and read and comment. That is a great encouragement to me!

The last step of the blog-hop is to pass the baton on to others… so I have the great privilege of introducing you to three more writers that I think you will enjoy. They will answer these same questions next week. Stop over to their blogs and say hello! 

dayle (2)Dayle Rogers is a gifted writer. She is vulnerable, honest, and hilarious at her blog, Tip of the Iceberg! She says of herself, “I’m a true foreigner in this world, a storyteller trying to make sense of the journey I’m on. I’m a Jesus follower, a passionate participant in the life I’ve been given, always looking for how the eternal impacts my temporal. Everyday life fascinates me because there is always more there than what I can see. And I want to learn to better celebrate what crosses my path daily. I’m a wife, mom, nana, sister, friend, daughter and aunt. Laughter makes sense to me because all of these relationships provide so much of it. I’ve been told I’ve got many words, so writing is a means to let some of them go.”

ilonaI have never met Ilona Hadinger personally. We became special on-line friends through our love of the Lord, writing, and living in Mexico. Ilona is a magnificant artist with words and photography and she shares them both on her blog: Calling and Creativity. She describes herself this way: “Wife, mom, missionary. In that order. An American born with Hungarian blood living in a Zapotec village in Mexico, I have four kids, one husband, a lot of interests and a few gray hairs. I blog at http://www.ikhadinger.com. I’m also a member of the Redbud Writers Guild (www.redbudwritersguild.com) and a Founding Member of LACWriters Guild (www.lacwriters.com).”

Julie Sanders (2)I met Julie Sanders last year. She impressed me right away with her quick smile, full laughter, and sensitive spirit. She writes with her whole heart. Julie describes herself as “a wife, mother, daughter, friend, and friend of Jesus. She loves good food, a good book, and talking with good friends late into the night. She admits that she’s a huge fan of her husband and her three boys. Her house is filled with their music, legos, books, and artwork. So, if you ever stop by, you’re liable to experience all of it.” You can connect with Julie on her blog Along The Way or on Facebook.

celebrate life

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mom bdayHave you ever wanted to ignore a birthday? Or downplay the attention to yourself? Ever wanted to go into denial about getting older? I have. For a good number of years, I would have just skipped over my birthday without any fan fare at all.

I think differently now. I have come to realize that not many people get to celebrate as many birthdays as I have. I have known too many young people who had too few years on this earth. I have cried too many tears and questioned too often “why????” when a life was cut short.

When I was younger, I didn’t think much about death. I felt invincible, and life was full of promise and opportunities. Today, I am much more aware of the fraility and brevity of life. I long for more time with my mom who has terminal cancer, and I grieve the empty places in my life where other loved ones once lived.

flowersSo… I am learning to celebrate more! Each year – each day – is worthy of a celebration. Not to put more focus on the person, but to express gratitude and understanding of the value of life. I do not want to waste the opportunity to make a memory with my family or cherish time with a friend or enjoy the little special treats that life brings to me (like the cheerful flowers my awesome husband brought in now – just because…).

I may not have that opportunity tomorrow… but I have it today!

My mom just celebrated another birthday. I am so very grateful for that special day and for each additional day of life she can enjoy. Her life is a continual reminder to me to live each day to the fullest… and to celebrate life!

How do you feel about birthdays? How do you celebrate life?

the whole package

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open boxI’ve had some physical challenges lately, and as a result…some emotional challenges, and as a result… some relationship challenges.

It appears that I am entering a new stage of life… and I do not like it a whole lot.

I have always been a high energy and a high performance person. I have a good quantity of self confidence and intelligence, and ability to set my mind to something and make it happen. Or so I like to think.

In my deep inner being, I know I am not really in control of much of anything in my life. I just like to act like I am. Until…things begin to happen in my life that I – very obviously – cannot control. Today it is health related, but other times it can be people related, or work, or money, or any other issue.

And, I don’t like it.

When I cannot control something or someone like I want to, it exposes the “real” me… to myself and to others. It exposes my impatience, my critical spirit, my frustration, and my irritation levels that I would prefer to keep carefully guarded and hidden from the public eye.

I like to appear “all together”. I like to be optimistic and always with a desire to help out a friend… not moody, grumpy, tired, and pretty much disinterested in others’ problems like I feel these days.

I am sure this stage will pass eventually, and I will feel like “myself” again. However, it has been a good reminder that my true self is actually a mixture of many facets – positive and negative, good and bad, pretty and pretty ugly. Those who know me well already know that truth about me. Sometimes, others unexpectedly get a glimpse of my not-so-well-hidden self.

This life stage has also been a good reminder that my friends, co-workers, and family are also a mixed up mess of moods and attitudes and energy levels. I get them on good days and bad days. Ups and downs. Fun and not so fun. The whole package. The parts I love, the parts I tolerate, and the parts I would rather not experience.

Just as they do with me. We are a whole package. We have much to offer some days. We have a lot of needs on other days. We are made to live in community in a rhythm of giving and recieving. May God help me to embrace the whole package and give others the same acceptance and grace and love that I have been receiving these days.

What do you do when you do not feel like your best you? How do you respond to others on their difficult days/weeks/months/years?