Category Archives: life

upside down life

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squirrel webSquirrels do best in or around trees. Running free. Outdoors.

This little guy found his life turned around when he got stuck inside the screened porch of the club house of our apartment complex. Not a good place for a squirrel. Scary. Unexpected. Life-changing.

My life changed this Christmas too. A few days ago, my mom had emergency surgery to remove a tumor, and the doctors declared it terminal cancer. Treatments options are ugly and time is uncertain. Her life has been turned upside down… the same for her husband, her sisters, her children, her friends. I had already written a post anticipating a different Christmas this year; I just didn’t expect this kind of different.

To be honest, my head and my heart are in a sort of fog right now. It is hard to process the emotions and still live in the midst of Christmas festivities – now with an added urgency and importance.

How do I live this new upside down life? I am learning day by day… about cancer, about my mom, about my family, about myself. There will be many more lessons as we go, but I have a few in mind now that I thought I would share with you…

Lean on community 

I don’t know what we would do without the support of our family and friends. Prayers, calls, notes, offers of practical help are all invaluable and give strength to our souls. It is not easy for any of us to ask for help, but we cannot “Lone Ranger” this one without leaning on others. This is not time to let our pride get in the way.

Work at communication

The stress of an unexpected surgery and a horrible diagnosis is causing tension between family members who each try to help in their own way. Exhaustion, emotions and different personalities, opinions, and availability cause misunderstandings and conflict. My family is trying very hard to believe the best, clarify doubts, give grace, and respect the interests and needs of each one. It is not easy, but we don’t want to lose our relationship in the process.

Grow in compassion

I don’t think my family has ever had a Christmas disrupted by a tragedy like this… but others certainly have. We usually go about our merry way buying gifts, preparing meals, and playing games without a thought for those who are spending the holidays in the hospital or at the funeral home. This year, I know what it’s like to feel little interest in parties, gifts, or food as emotional upheaval dulls my senses. I have empathy for those who are hurting now, and I hope that I will be more aware and thoughtful in the future that while some celebrate, others are suffering or struggling. 

During this scary, unexpected, life-changing time, I treasure the deeper moments with faith and family. I am grateful for our network of friends and support. I am learning and growing because of this upside down life.

I appreciate your prayers for my mom and my family. Please share any lessons you have learned when your life was upside down…

6:1

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ratioSix to one. According to a message I heard the other day, that is the ratio of negative to positive comments we say and hear each day – six negative to every one positive.

six times this…

That’s not right. You could have done better. I don’t like that. Why did you do that? Did you have to do that? Can’t you remember anything? You never _____. I’ll just do it myself. Don’t even try. You’ll never amount to anything. 

for every one time of this…

Great job. Thank you. Well done. So creative. That’s excellent work. I like that. Awesome. I appreciate that. I’m impressed. You have real talent. That’s a good idea. You’ll go far. I love you.

That’s not good for anybody. I know that I am highly reactive to negative comments. I have to work really hard not to take criticism personally – even constructive criticism. Negative comments tend to discourage me and diminish my normally optimistic attitude – sometimes for days.

On the other hand, positive, encouraging comments lift my spirits, energize me, and motivate me to try harder. I want to encourage, energize, and motivate others.

So what can I do? Being aware of this reality and being willing to change my words are the first steps. I can also work intentionally to find something positive in people and situations. There is usually something good there, I just have to see it… and say it. I am so quick to mention what I don’t like, but I often hesitate to verbalize what I do.

I want to turn that ratio around this next year. It’s not that complicated… just a few words. Maybe it will become a new habit for me.

How are your words? 

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE…NAVIDAD?

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This is a fun (silly!) poem para mis dear bi-lingual amigos from my querida bi-lingual amiga’s blog – Inky’Spot… Disfruta la post and check out her buenísimo blog!

loving (this) Christmas

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I have always loved Christmas.

Christmas
My parents created Christmas traditions full of wonder and surprise. Christmas didn’t arrive at our home until Christmas Day… because Santa brought everything! After the little ones set out Santa’s cookies and milk and went off to bed, Mom and Dad began the gargantuan, all-night task of filling the stockings, setting up and decorating the tree, assembling the toys, and placing the mountains of gifts in individual piles. I don’t know how my parents ever functioned the next morning, but I know steaming cups of coffee were essential as the children tore into the over-stuffed stockings on Mom and Dad’s bed. When we finished opening our stockings, and Mom and Dad were semi-awake, we anxiously crept down the hall to wait expectantly at the closed living room door. After an eternity passed, Dad slowly opened the door to the magical world of Christmas! I can still feel the awe of that first glimpse of the huge, glittering tree and the enormous collection of bright, shiny gifts that waited for us.

With my own family, Christmas came with greenery and berries wrapping staircases and pillars, outdoor lights on the awnings and windows, and decorations in every corner of the house… entertaining, rice bags to keep out the cold, cut-out sugar cookies decorated in varying styles of creativity as young children grew to teenagers, and traditional cinnamon rolls eaten leisurely on Christmas morning while we opened stockings and gifts one-by-one. We also had a big tree – but we sanely began a new routine of setting it up with everyone’s help weeks ahead of time. Since we lived in Mexico, we sometimes added Christmas Eve dinner, hot chocolate, and late-night piñatas. Christmas Eve candlelight service and a collection of nativity scenes helped remind us of Jesus in the midst of the craziness.

This year, we live in Orlando, Florida in a small apartment. Most of my decorations were given away in the move; the days-long decorating tradition lasted only a few hours. It is warm and sunny outside; snowmen and frosted trees seem strangely out-of-place. There are no children at home, no stockings to fill, no piles of gifts under the tree, little motivation to bake sugar cookies that we shouldn’t eat.

So I wonder… what is Christmas really? Is it children’s delighted wonder at glitter and toys? Is it pretty decorations, gift shopping, and favorite foods? Is it special family time, traditions, or church services? All are good, and through the years I have enjoyed it all… but none are the true essence of CHRISTmas. This year as so much of Christmas normal has been stripped away, I realize that I have actually received a wonderful gift — the opportunity to focus intentionally on Christ: His story, His life, His example. There are so few distractions, so there is more peace and more time to learn from Him. I know we will attend parties and events, shop some, and bake (to give away :)), but I am especially excited to spend quiet, not rushed, special times with Jesus this year. I think this may become the kind of Christmas that I love most.

What do you love about Christmas? 

just for fun… Christmas coffee

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I love it when Starbuck’s Christmas Blend starts to arrive in the stores!

It is one of my favorite flavors – dark and bold – and the tradition brings security to my uncertain world. It reminds me that many things in life will change, but some things (thankfully) stay the same. Each year the flavor returns, like the special season it represents… ahhhh… and it is well with my soul! 🙂

What are some of your favorite traditions?

christmas blend

Other Christmas posts you might enjoy:

in tune with CHRISTmas       family tension        loving (this) Christmas

only the best

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One day, a man walked into an antique shop and asked permission to look around. It was a rather exclusive shop frequented only by those who could afford to purchase articles made rare by their scarcity and age. The visitor seemed strangely out of place because he was poorly dressed though clean; indeed it was clear from his appearance that he was a laborer whose face and been etched by sun and rain and whose hands were rough and worn. After more than a half hour, he left. In about ten days he returned. This time he found a very beautiful piece of glass and asked if he could make a deposit on it. Each week he made a payment, until at last the article was his. With much curiosity, the owner of the shop engaged him in conversation to determine, if he could, the use to which such a man would put his new purchase. “I bought it for my little room.   It isn’t much, but I bring to it, from time to time, through the years, only the very best and beautiful things. You see, that is where I live.” 
                                             Howard Thurman, Deep is the Hunger                                                                                                       

To bring to where you live only the very best and most beautiful…

I read this story this morning and began to consider my life…

Of all the thoughts that pass through during the day, which will I keep for my room? Will I choose to keep only the positive, encouraging, believe-the-best, excellent ideas about myself, others and my world?

What will I bring into my home through my music, media, activity and reading choices? Are they only the very best and beautiful things? Worth their price? Valuable?

There is a lot of cheap, ugly junk quickly and conveniently available in our world today. On the other hand, it takes time, effort, care, attentiveness, and diligent searching to find a priceless treasure.

It is said that where your treasures are, that is where your heart is also.

What treasures are you collecting for your home? 

communication styles

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The single biggest problem in communication
is the illusion that it has taken place. 

George Bernard Shaw

                                                                                                                                  Communication is essential for all relationships. It is the way we connect with others, the way we explain our needs, wants, values, concerns, fears, and dreams. Poor communication results in misunderstandings, unmet expectations, and conflicts. Healthy communication leads to cooperation, mutual understanding and intimacy.

We learn to communicate at a very young age. We develop different communication styles based on our personality and our experiences, and we develop communication skills that facilitate the style that works best for us.

This week I learned about a Communication Style Model that identifies four different communication styles. The study explains that we develop a primary style that we use most often, and sometimes we employ a secondary style if the primary isn’t working well or we are under stress. The study also describes how we can interact better with others who use a style different from ours.

Can you identify your primary style?

Each style has important inherent strengths, but none is complete by itself. There is much to appreciate in each; we are better when we have all styles working together. When we communicate with a person whose style is different from ours, it is helpful to match their style and pace as much as possible. Those who can adapt and flex to other’s values and preferences will be more successful in communication.

This communication model has helped me understand what others in my family and workplace might need or prefer. I hope I can apply some of what I have learned to our future conversations.

What have you learned from this model? How can you adapt your style to better communicate with someone important to you?

________________

For more information: Communication Style Inventory, Copyright 2003 by Ron Ellis, MBA & Judi Iverson-Gilbert, PhD
You might also like to read: how are your listening skills? or asking powerful questions or questions for a destination.

not all about me

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nerve-racking.

nail-biting.

pacing.

praying.

eating-too-much.

eating-too-little.  

head-ache.

sore neck.

work hard.

can’t sleep.

stress

My stressor this week was an on-line music competition for our son, Matt. He needed views, votes, “likes”, tweets, etc in order to move through the brackets and win his dream-of-a-lifetime to be the opening act for a more famous YouTube star, Tyler Ward, who is doing a U.S. concert tour.

We – the committed, slightly crazy parents – did all we could to rally support for Matt. We facebooked and tweeted; we emailed; we cajoled our co-workers to get on-line; we shamelessly begged our friends to vote each day. We investigated winning strategies and stayed up too late at night watching the results roll in.

We believe in our son and want to support his dreams in any way we can.

We also have our own lives and work and responsibilities and have to put limits on what we can do for him. There were times when I had to shut down the computer and stay away from the “competition world” for a while. Other times when I had to “let go” emotionally of my desires for his success and remember…

This is not all about me.

It doesn’t all depend on me; I am not indispensable.

I’ve had to remember that lesson at work as well as with my family. I can get over stressed about a project, a goal, a desired culture change, a responsibility and forget… I am not the only one active here. Just as Matt has other friends and fans that support his music, I have other teammates, mentors, and resources that I can – and should – involve in my projects.

When I trust only in myself and forget to partner well, I miss out on the strengths, talents, encouragement, wisdom, support, ideas, energy, finances, prayers, materials, etc. that others bring to the table.

“If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
African proverb

I firmly believe that together is better than solo. Friends, co-workers, fans, family, partners, and mentors are crucial in my world… because this is not all about me!

How do you handle your stress?  How do you battle the “all about me” attitude?

****PS He did win the competition! 🙂

realization of a dream

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Do you have a dream? Something you long for? Want to see happen? Wish you could change?

I have lots of dreams… personal growth milestones, work goals, hopes for my children, my friends, my community, my world.

Not every dream comes true, but they come true more often if I have given my best effort to make the dream a reality.

We enjoy visiting local coffee shops whenever we travel. We met Dazbog Coffee Co. in Denver, Colorado, and I love the history behind the dream they made come true. Certain elements of their story helped make their dream a reality…

Vision – Leonid and Anatoly Yuffa had a dream. They envisioned a better life – freedom, democracy, opportunity – a new way. On a cold, quiet evening in Russia they were pensive, reflective, talking together… and a dream was born. I am often too busy to slow down and think, but new creative visions don’t come to my mind when I am running from one thing to another. I need to take time to think, process, and dream…

Do you take time to discover your dreams?

Values –  Successful organizations, families, and people know their key values; they carry them around or post them on the wall as a constant reminder. The Yuffa family chose to combine old world heritage and tradition with new technology. They committed to a quality, rich cup of coffee, and these values permeate all that they do. Sometimes desperation to make something happen tempts me to drop my standards or set aside my values, but that will only detour my dream. Consistent values are the bedrock and the decision filter for any new venture.

Do you know and live by your values?

Unique style – Red, black and yellow details are on everything: coffee cups, bags of beans, clothing line, and posters on the wall. They name their coffee blends based on the history and character of their homeland. When you walk into a Dazbog café, the Russian influence is obvious. I am often guilty of trying to live someone’s dream rather than my own – trying to look like, act like or produce like another. That’s not a good strategy (!), so I am learning to live comfortably in my own skin… and pursue my unique dreams.

Are you comfortable with your unique style?

Celebration – Turning dreams into reality requires hard work, perseverance, focus, wise choices, the right people, …and God’s blessing! When I go after a vision, I can focus so much on achieving the dream that I forget to celebrate the steps along the way. The Dazbog way “celebrates life itself in each and every cup”. From their profits they give back to community projects to help make the world a better place. I want to remember to celebrate progress and process and not just a finished product. I have a sense there will be many more realized dreams that way.

How do you celebrate on the way to your dream?

life paradox

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Do you ever feel like life doesn’t make sense?
Or that your best efforts backfire against you?
Or you want to do something, but others view it as nonsense?
The Merriam Webster dictionary describes
these situations as a paradox.

Definition of PARADOX noun \ˈper-ə-ˌdäks, ˈpa-rə-\

  1. a tenet contrary to received opinion
  2. a statement that is seemingly contradictory or opposed to common sense and yet is perhaps true
  3. one (as a person, situation, or action) having seemingly contradictory qualities or phases

Someone who understands paradoxes is Kent M. Keith. He wrote the following list in 1968 and has given me permission to share this classic with you. I hope you will find understanding, empathy, and encouragement in his words; I certainly did.

The Paradoxical Commandments 

1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.

2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.

3. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.

4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.

6. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.

7. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.

9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway.

10. Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.

© Copyright Kent M. Keith 1968, renewed 2001

______________

Do you face any paradox in your life? What do you think of this list? 

**More information about The Paradoxical Commandments and Kent Keith’s book, The Silent Revolution: Dynamic Leadership in the Student Council, is available at www.paradoxicalcommandments.com.