Category Archives: life

make every day count

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Just a few days ago, a man was killed while out riding his bike. It was a beautiful lazy Sunday afternoon in a quiet suburb not too far from the park. He was in good shape, happily married, father to three almost-grown sons. An 18-year-old boy made a foolish choice to drive under drug influence, and in a moment, a good man was gone.

Life is just a breath.

I am shaken by this man’s early home-going… I’m sure he was planning on many more years of work and play. He was taking care of himself. I’m sure his wife did not imagine living the rest of her life alone without him. Such unexpected, painful change! I pray for her, hoping that she has no regrets of their last days, weeks, years together.

And I realize that is it worth repeating… live every day as if it is the last! Don’t put off until tomorrow the good things I can do today, because I may never have tomorrow. Seize the day! Live well. Make every day count!

Say “I love you”. Forgive. Listen well. Rest. Play. Call the family.
Start to exercise. Pray. Smell the flowers. Read. Give a hug. Dance. Sing.
Enjoy a gooey dessert. Say “thank you”.  Cry with a friend.
Light a candle. Help someone. Rock a baby. Laugh out loud.

Have no regrets.

I need to hear this reminder every day.

How about you? How do you make every day count?

blind spots

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Traveling down the highway the other day, we saw many people texting or talking on their phone as they drove. Their speed was erratic, and they were constantly swerving from one lane to another. I felt nervous and in danger anywhere close to them, I and encouraged my husband to put some distance between us as quickly as possible.

It came to my mind that this dangerous behavior is very obvious to others, although the texting-driver may mistakenly think they have everything under control. From behind, we watch the unintentional lane changes and make adjustments for their inconsistent speed. When we pass along the right – because they are usually blocking the passing lane – we have never been wrong in our initial hypothesis as to the cause of their erratic driving. They are often so intent on their communication that they do not look up or even notice as we pass by.

Blind Spots  = obvious to everyone except me

I can have blind spots in many areas of my life. I am often so busy with my own tasks and concerns that I am completely unaware of how my attitudes and behavior are affecting others. I hate to think of how often a family member has to move out of my way for their own protection, or how often a co-worker has to make adjustments for my erratic actions.  I don’t want to be a danger to others. 

One tool we use in our organization is the 360° review; a feedback survey process that allows those around me – supervisor/director, co-workers, direct reports – to let me know how I am doing in my leadership. Their confidential responses are correlated with my self-assessment answers, and a trained feedback facilitator communicates the information during a personal appointment. The feedback confirms obvious strength and weakness areas, encourages strengths (those others saw, but I didn’t mention), and warns me about the dreaded blind spots.

The first time I went through a 360° review, it was one of the hardest things I had ever done. I felt clobbered by the negative comments and had a hard time recognizing the positive. I had a great facilitator at the time, and I have since come to greatly appreciate the process. I know that when I invite truthful feedback in my life, I grow in humility and I increase my abilities to work productively and serve others well.

I can hear truth from others in a formal 360° review or simply in vulnerable conversations with friends, family and mentors. It is one of the most important things I can do to ensure that I am a safe person, considerate of others, and aware of my impact… less blind spots! 

Have can you invite someone to give you honest feedback about your blind spots? 

looking in the wrong place

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I want to do something worthwhile, valuable, important. I want to leave a legacy. In an earlier post, I wrote about my discouragement and concern that I hadn’t left the culture change legacy that I wanted in the organization. Over time, the organization took on a different look, a different personality, and I felt like a failure…
Where was the legacy?

The other day, I was processing this struggle with my husband. The more we talked, the more I came to realize that I was looking for the legacy in the wrong place. I wanted an environment, procedures, and structures to display our influence after we were gone.

I think now that the organization simply provided the “front” for the work we wanted to do; it would not be my source of legacy. I believe I find my legacy in the people I worked for and worked with, in the changed lives – nurtured, grown, changed, empowered, hope-filled… in the environment we built to work from.

Perhaps the “temporary” place we created was never intended to last forever – maybe we built it as much for us as for others. It served an important purpose for a time. It provided a context for us to work out our calling… while we were there.

I am not really very concerned about turning organizations around. I do want to bring a positive influence, and I do hope to lay a path that makes it easier for others to follow. I think that I am more passionate about turning lives around. And that, thankfully, I did get to do from my leadership position.

Some of those changed lives will lead to generations of change. Many will use their influence to create and multiply environments where others can grow. Their changed lives mean changed families and changed businesses, and contribute to changed cities… and eventually a changed world! I feel more encouraged with my search… maybe my legacy is not so quickly and easily visible, but it is definitely a legacy that was worth the effort.

Where do you want to leave a legacy? Are you looking in the right place?

a teenage advocate

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Today the world is praying for a teenage advocate. Malala Yousafzai became famous a few years ago when, as an 11-year-old girl, she wrote a diary/blog about her battle to attend school in Taliban controlled Pakistan. She wrote under a pseudonym at first for safety, but became internationally known a few years later when the Taliban fell from power, and she was nominated for the International Children’s Peace Prize in 2011. Just two days ago, she was shot in the head by fanatics who do not agree that girls have a right to education and a right to speak out about injustice.

This is a heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, infuriating wrong in our world today. I have not personally experienced anything like this kind of persecution for being a woman, but this is not one isolated case. There is way too much of this degradation, abuse, limitation, and violence against women and girls in our world today. I cannot ignore it.

Neither can I ignore or tolerate the “lesser” injustices of unfair treatment, off-color jokes, disrespect or lack of opportunities for women that I do encounter on a regular basis. I believe that those attitudes and actions reflect an incomplete understanding of the urgent and severe situation for women in the world. Rather than “laugh it off” or excuse it as unintended, culturally accepted, or not-so-bad, I believe that each of these situations is an important opportunity to educate, mobilize, and empower a society to correct the wrong and the sin in our world.

Malala needs our prayers today. We all need God’s help to do what is right. We need to encourage each other in our God-given value and our God-given purpose on the earth for good. May we join together, men and women, to protect our children from harm, educate and develop the talents and gifts He has given us, and work together to fulfill His good purposes in our world today.

What can you do as an advocate today?

just for fun… from a coffee fan

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Which profession drinks the most coffee?

Thanks to Dunkin’ Donuts for this graphic! You can read the full article here!

How much coffee do you drink? 

warning signs

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Traveling through New Mexico, we stopped at a rest stop, and we were immediately on our guard, thanks to the “Beware of Rattlesnakes!”  warning sign posted nearby.

At my new job here in Orlando, each day I pass by this “Caution Gators!” warning sign, and I walk by with a much more alert peripheral vision.

There are many different dangers present depending on the place… depending on the circumstances… depending on the person.

A warning sign increases my awareness of a potential threat, and it often causes me to change my behavior in order to avoid injury or damage.

Most often when I think about warnings, I am concerned about external threats to my safety, but when I thought about those signs this week, I realized that there are plenty of dangers that threaten my internal well-being also… threats against inner peace, productivity, and healthy relationships… and I can learn to read the warning signs for those dangers too.

One of the strongest warning signs I have learned to read in my life is resentment. I am usually high energy and highly extroverted. If I begin to resent requests for help, interruptions in my day, or changes to my schedule, I recognize that I am in “danger” due to physical tiredness, over booking my agenda, or lack of boundaries in my relationships.

Another warning sign for me is impatience. I enjoy coaching and mentoring, so when I would rather do it myself than allow someone else to learn, or when I can’t give grace to someone who doesn’t have my same experience or skill level, my impatience is a warning sign of “danger” in my heart attitudes. I am pride-filled and too focused on myself rather than on the long-term benefits of developing others.

A critical spirit is another warning sign for me. When I am aware that I am only complaining about the negative in situations or the weaknesses in other people, that is a clear warning to me that stress or fear is threatening my usual optimism and my relationships.

These are just a few of the warning signs that indicate threats to my personal peace and healthy relationships. When these warning signs appear in my life, I am learning to evaluate which threats are present and then change my behavior so that I don’t cause injury or damage somewhere!

I’m sure you can think of many others! What are some of the warning signs in your life? 

out of control

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Have you ever had one of those days-weeks-years when everything feels out of control? Too many people with needs? Too much to think about? Too much to do?

I’ve been there. No, actually I am there now. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe, like I have a huge boulder pressing against my chest. Other times I feel all jittery and accelerated as if I drank too many energy drinks or too many cups of coffee. I talk too fast, but struggle to connect coherent thoughts. A friend described it like a snow globe… ideas swirling everywhere in her head, even after she sits or lies down to rest. Some people dream that they are in a car, squealing around the corners out of control or flying over the guard rails.

Stop the car! I want to get out!

The problem is… I am not in a car. I am living life, and I can’t just get out. I can, however, learn to control the speed and handle the curves better. To manage my stress level, I’ve practiced a few tips over the years (that I am re-applying this week!). These are a few of them…

Talk to someone: It helps to get another perspective, receive objective advice, hear experience and tips, or just laugh with a friend or mentor about the chaos. It doesn’t require a lot of time; a chat in the hallway, an honest conversation over lunch, a phone call or coffee date can make a big difference in my attitude.

Toss the artificial deadlines: I put unnecessary pressure on myself because I want something done NOW that doesn’t really need to happen immediately. Many appointments can be rescheduled, due dates adjusted, bills paid in installments, dream projects postponed to a better time. If it is causing stress, but isn’t truly urgent, I am learning to let it go until later.

Test it visually: I quickly overload my calendar when I generalize tasks and time availability. To counter that, when life feels out of control, I write down every major to-do item or category that I have and then schedule specific time for it so that the calendar helps me see reality. “I’ll do that tomorrow” requires that I actually confirm that I have some free time tomorrow. “I can get to that next week” means that an empty day or part day is really available for the new idea. If I don’t have extra time, I need to understand – and see – that I will squeeze out a prior commitment when I add a new one.

Think rhythm: Life is a journey; it ebbs and flows. There are deadlines…and boredom. School semesters… and vacations. Friends… and loneliness. New babies… and graduates. Weddings… and funerals. Health… and crisis. Promotion… and retirement. Much we cannot control; some we can. I don’t want to add additional stress by stressing out over the stress. When I accept and appreciate where I am, and practice these tips when possible, I breathe a little easier, think more clearly and keep my car on the road.

How about you… Is your day-week-year out of control? How do you handle the stress?

STOP to start

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This past week, I heard various song lyrics that intoned, “I wanna fly!” I began to think about the desires I have to accomplish goals, fulfill a dream, or take on an adventure. I have plenty of ideas, but many times I get in my own way. I have learned that often I have to stop doing some things before I can start moving forward.

STOP judging

I don’t like being judged by people who don’t really know me: my marriage, my children, or my situation…  I don’t believe there is only one right way for all people to make it through this world, although sometimes I act like my way is the only way. There is such incredible creativity and diversity in people; judgmental, critical opinions are often completely erroneous because they come from an incomplete, only-from-the-outside perspective. If I don’t want others to judge me, I need to work at not judging others either.

STOP comparing

Often my worst enemy is myself. I compare myself to a phantom superwoman in my mind, created by uniting the best pieces of each hero I admire: my very capable boss, my creatively gifted neighbor, my compassionate caring friend, my genius intelligent mentor, my athletically chiseled trainer. My invented super-phantom is nonexistent in real life. I need to live in this world’s reality, not longingly covet a dream fantasy.

STOP holding back

At times, everyone feels inadequate in front of challenges and fearful of change. Thanks to some incredibly supportive family and friends, I have come to understand that I have a “voice” to share, and I have skills and experience to offer. No one else is just like me. If I hold back, someone misses out on my unique contribution… whether that is at home, in a friendship or at work. I want to add value to relationships and projects… I have to step out and speak up to do that.

STOP whining

One thing that frustrates me is a victim mindset, blaming someone else for lack of progress, relationships, income or any other thing desired but not attained. As much as I declare my opposition to this attitude, an honest self-evaluation proves that I blame others too… those that don’t follow me hamper my leadership, those who don’t respect me limit my effectiveness, those who don’t like me are why the friendship ends. Excuses are empty. I simply need to commit to doing and giving my best in every situation… and take responsibility for the results.

If I want to move forward… if “I wanna fly”, I will need to STOP doing these things first.

What do you need to STOP doing in order to move forward with your goals, dreams and adventures?

feeling lost

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I got lost three times on the way home from the airport. On the way there for the first time, I wrote down the three highway #’s and took duplicate toll money from my wallet, so that I would be ready for the trip home. The difference was that on the way there, next to each highway # sign, there were others that directed me: » » » AIRPORT. In contrast, on the way home there were no signs that said: » » » Terry’s Apartment. They only mentioned exit East/West or North/South… and although I had the highway #’s, I had no idea which direction would take me home.

Have you ever felt lost? A new city? New job? New life-stage?

Getting lost is just part of being only two days in a new city. The newness of a move also includes no food in the fridge, chaos of boxes everywhere, meeting new people and finding new places, exhaustion and uncertainties. I am really grateful for the few special, sentimental items we brought with us – pictures, blankets, pottery – that make this new apartment feel like “home”. They help bridge my old life to my new life; they add security and continuity to my transition.

What helps you handle change? Do you continue traditions, pack special mementos, visit familiar restaurants? 

I know intellectually that it can take a year to feel at “home” in a new place. Emotionally I want it to feel like home now! I am trying to implement a few healthy practices to help with the change…

Laugh: I’m learning to laugh at myself, at the new adventures gone wrong, at all I don’t know… and laugh with others, making new friends and good memories. Some tears are inevitable, but I can find reasons to laugh too.

Let Go: I’m trying not to compare the old with the new. I figure it’s OK for me to miss special people and places, but I need to give this new place a chance. It will feel different for me – not as good in some ways, but maybe better in others. I want to keep my eyes – and my heart – open for the “new and improved”. 🙂

Learn: I have so much to discover – new best practices, “insider” tips, local haunts… If I take the initiative, observe, and ask a lot of questions, I bet I’ll find a lot of great treats and treasures in this new life.

How do you look forward to the “new” in your life?

life and death

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Nothing like death to make me think about life. It is so easy to run from one thing to another without reflection… until running is no longer an option… until there are no options at all… until life is done and there is suddenly all kinds of quiet, emptiness, solitude, and time to think. Too much time. Not enough time.

My husband’s mom passed away last week. We had just spent a wonderful week as a family with her and all his relatives – something we don’t get to do but every five to ten years. His mom looked good; she was apparently winning the ugly cancer fight; we enjoyed precious time together… and then two days later she was gone. An unexpected aneurysm leak took her life in just a few hours.

“Nanny” was a sweet lady – I felt very loved by her. I am struggling with how life, vacation gatherings, and family communication will change without her. She had a warm, inviting, accepting character that attracted people instantly and bonded them to her life-long. (please see my husband’s tribute to her) She entered eternity with a grace, calm and peace that I hope to have…

I am so grateful for the relationship we had with “Nanny”. Although we lived at great geographical distance all of our married life, we worked hard to stay close. Phone calls, cards and letters (past), Facebook (present), and vacation get-togethers allowed my children to really know and love Nanny. Sometimes it required extra expense or a very long drive, but it was so worth the effort. I do not regret investing during her lifetime, and we have no regrets at her death.

I wonder if I can say that about all of my relationships? Am I investing today, so that if they were gone tomorrow I would have no regrets? Have I made the effort? Have I told them I love them? Have I reconciled our conflicts? Have I given them my time, my energy, my focused attention? Is there anything still undone… anything that I need to say?

Life is so fragile and uncertain. Death comes without warning. I don’t want death to catch me unprepared. I want to be ready.

Are you ready? If death visits you or a loved one tomorrow… what do you need to do today?