Category Archives: family

dream on

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I had a special dream for this summer. I wanted to take a crazy family road trip from New Mexico to Wisconsin to see my husband’s family at the lake. It had been almost 10 years since we were there last; so much had happened during those years, and we were overdue for a re-connect. Our children were super excited about the idea, and months ahead we began to plan. We chose late summer dates when all seven of us would be available to travel together.

We began to dream.

Then in the spring, my husband’s mom, “Nanny”, became very ill. She was diagnosed with lung cancer, and it didn’t look good. She was weak, struggling to breathe, and doctors were not sure she would be alive in August.

I had to let go of the dream to focus on the present.

Phone calls to family no longer involved fun travel plans. Instead, the discussions focused on doctor appointments, testing for damage extent, treatment options, fears of losing Nanny quickly, a possible immediate flight to Wisconsin for my husband.

I was angry. I was disappointed. I was scared. I felt cheated of my dream… and I felt guilty for thinking about my own desires when something much more important was at stake. My heart was in knots. I wished I’d never had the dream. One minute I wanted to drop everything and fly to accompany her. Next minute I wanted to deny the harsh reality and still have my uncomplicated, fun trip.

I finally surrendered the fight and set my dream aside.

It was time for a new dream – health, healing, time for Nanny. We adjusted the plan… four of our children made their own trip north in early summer – in case the later trip never happened. My husband called almost daily for status updates and stayed ready to travel at any moment. I prayed… a lot.

Miracles happened. Chemo worked. Nanny endured one treatment, and another, and another. Not a cure, but more strength and more time…

Time for a dream.

We have just finished an incredible week in Wisconsin with the family. All seven of us – and a dog – traveled through the night to get here. It was crazy… and fun. I still can’t hardly believe we are all here… playing, laughing, crying, singing. We are eating meals with Nanny. And she sits with us at the campfires. And she is doing well.

I’ve learned it is OK to dream… as long as I hold the dream loosely. Sometimes I have to let go of the dream as it can never be. Sometimes the dream changes form or time. And sometimes the dream comes true, a surprise or a gift undeserved. But being afraid to dream is not the answer. Dreams mean life has heart and hope. Events to look forward to and people to spend time with. Goals to aim for and memories to cherish. Life is better when we dream.

What is your dream? Is anything keeping you from your dream? 

a rhythm of rest

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I just returned from a few sweet vacation days with my family… a rustic cabin by a high altitude river, trail runs under the pine trees, fly fishing, campfires, reading, game nights, puzzles… and too much delicious food.

No cell phones. No TV. No internet.

Just lots of inside jokes and side-splitting belly laughs… very relaxing. Very refreshing.

Our special time reminded me how important rest is in our lives… a time to pull back and think about nothing… or reflect and talk deeply… whichever is desired and needed at the time.  Sometimes I don’t even know what I need until I’ve been away from the busyness and distractions for a while.

A wise friend once shared a recipe for rest that – when I choose to apply it – helps me to ensure that I am resting… even as part of a very busy life. It might help you too…

REST daily

Even 30 quiet minutes a day to get away from the to-do list and everyday chores gives me perspective and energy for the day. I like to set aside time in the early a.m. to read from my Bible and/or a devotional book and pray for guidance and direction for the day. This gets me started on the right track. Others find time to exercise or add a nap to each day.

REFRESH weekly

This is one “Sabbath” day per week that is a change of pace or a break from the week’s schedule and routine. For many this is a church and worship day. For me, this day can include reading, a longer run, working in the garden, fun with friends, sports or anything that makes the day feel special and refreshes me for the next week. I try to stay away from my job, blog postings, or M.A. homework… a break from anything that feels like “work” to me.

REFLECT monthly

For years we have scheduled a whole day or a weekend to review goals, evaluate progress, and plan personal, family and/or ministry activities. This has been a great time to check on personal development plans (PDP), yearly resolutions, children’s character building, and any life-change challenges in process. I like to go away to a favorite coffee shop with my husband, and we have also enjoyed a park setting, a library, a nice hotel, or a retreat center. We take along calendars, podcasts, PDPs, and other resources for our time away.

RETREAT yearly 

This is the longed-for extended vacation, get-away, or escape! For me, it usually involves a complete geographical change and a total disconnect from usual responsibilities and everything virtual or social media related. I love when it includes time with my family, staying up late and sleeping in. These are the treasured times when traditions strengthen, memories multiply, and dreams take flight.

Life flows with a rhythm of activity and rest. I often have to battle prideful, self-made, artificial arguments that claim I am too busy to rest. I need to remind myself that I am not too important nor too indispensable to step aside for a while. I am healthier, more energized, more peaceful – and more pleasant to others – when I rest regularly as part of my life rhythm.

I’d love to learn from you… How do you rest?

broken hearts

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free image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

One of my children broke my heart the other day. They made a poor choice that really disappointed me. I hurt for them and for the other people involved.

That was not the first time I hurt for one of my very normal, very imperfect children… and I am sure it won’t be the last time.

I’m confident that my children often have no idea how their choices and actions affect me as their mom. They certainly pay the major part the actual physical, emotional, and financial consequences, but there is a ripple effect from all they do.

As a parent, I carry part of their experience with me. I grieve the unfulfilled dreams and hopes I had for them. My heart aches for their loss. I cry for their pain. I pray for further growth and maturity. My soul yearns for their forgiveness and healing.

GRACE

I have learned through my own mistakes over the years that grace is a precious gift to receive during times of pain. My children are usually completely aware of their error; they don’t need judgement, criticism or lectures. They do need to know that – whatever happens – I love them still.

CHOICES

I need grace too. I could beat myself up with self-doubts, guilt and second-guessing. Was there a lack in my parenting that somehow “caused” this? Did I not hug, teach or discipline enough? Although I already know that my parenting is not perfect, it was helpful when a friend reminded me that even God – the perfect Father – has imperfect, mistake-ridden, continually erring children. Our situations are very rarely simple cause and effect. Each one makes their own choices.

NEED

In the midst of the ups and downs of life, my (almost adult) children need me. Some times they need someone to listen; other times then need a long, strong hug. Some times they need practical help; some times they need me to “just” pray and give them time and space to work things out. Some times they need advice, counsel and the encouragement to reconcile, restore and choose better the next time.

…because there will be a next time. I would do almost anything to protect my children from pain. When they were very little, I could fool myself occasionally into thinking that I could control their environment and choices. I know better now.

The question is not IF my children will avoid poor choices and pain. Instead WHEN they are hurt and hurt others, the question is HOW will I respond?

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How do you respond to your children’s (or others’) poor choices? What helps you respond well?

better now than later!

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photo credit: US National Archives’ Photostream

My parents are getting older. I haven’t been around to watch it happen little by little each day, but with each visit I experience time’s passing more dramatically. A few days ago, I was able to spend some extended time with my dad… He can’t get around like he could before. He forgets things and is easily confused. He doesn’t hear well. He needs help with simple tasks.

It is hard for me to watch him struggle. I am sure it is hard for him to have to struggle. He was a strong, independent, military man in his younger years; he does not like to have to depend on anyone.

I have to admit that his deteriorated health and weakened condition scared me a bit… I am like my father in many ways. I have always been energetic and strong, and I do not like to need other people to help me. I have always had a quick mind and the ability to accomplish my dreams and goals by working hard. I felt anxious and fearful thinking about how old age will affect me in the future.

Beyond the physical challenges, some of the hardest things for me during the visit with my dad were his words. He was critical and accusing with irrational, belittling comments. I could excuse some of his behavior as a result of his encroaching senility, but the truth is… this was not something new. I remember that, even when he was younger, he used to blame others for something he had misplaced or for an error he had made.

I don’t really consider myself “old”… yet!  But this visit with my father has challenged me to consider my own words and actions today. Nancy Ortberg, in her book Unleashing the Power of Rubber Bands, says, “…people who resist change and hold on to the old ways when they are in their twenties become people who resist change and hold on to old ways when they are older. People who embrace change and gravitate toward new ideas in their twenties become people who embrace change and gravitate toward new ideas when they are older.”

I have also heard that as we get older, our negative character traits will not diminish but become even more pronounced. If my character traits and behaviors of today will magnify when I am older… what will I be like?

I came up with some questions to consider now… How do I react to illness and physical challenge? How do I use my time, especially when my energy is low? How do I handle limitations and the need for help from others? Do I blame others for my mistakes? How do I react to change and new ideas? What can I work on today… so that I enter “old age” gracefully?

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What do you think about preparing now for “old age”?

a Father’s Day reflection

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(**I now celebrate Father’s Day without my dad. He died on August 17, 2018. I’m missing him today.)

Celebrating Father’s Day is kind of a “mixed bag” for me.

I had a good dad growing up… can’t say a great dad… but a good dad. Unlike many others, he was physically present in our home – a powerful presence. He was an Air Force helicopter pilot: authoritative, argumentative, and alcoholic. We drilled the states’ capitals at dinner, stood at attention for room inspections, and felt guilty if he found us watching TV during the day instead of pulling weeds in the yard.

I have a strong work ethic, a tendency to criticize, and a strong character because of my Dad. I am thankful that he also gave me a desire for physical fitness, a love for travel and the outdoors, an appreciation for classical music, and the ability to believe in myself. He often said, “If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself.” When I asked his opinion regarding a few key life decisions, he said, “I wouldn’t ever do that, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t.”

My Dad did not build many deep relationships – contributing to my parents’ divorce after 25 years. He has rarely shared dreams, concerns, or any deep emotions with others. I don’t believe he understands a personal faith with God, and I think that causes him fear about dying. His health is deteriorating, compounded by the effects of a life-long alcohol addiction.

When Father’s Day comes along, I choose to honor him for all the good he brought into my life… and I choose to forgive him for the non-existent affection and communication that I longed for in our relationship. I thank him for loving me and supporting me in his own way, and I release him from the unmet wishes that he be sober, neat, and without favoritism.

I am very grateful for the ability to build on my past – but not be enslaved to it. My husband and I leaned heavily on the hope that we would create a different kind of home and family than I grew up in… including the good, but adding new elements of our own choosing as well. I know some of you had much more difficult experiences with your fathers… or never really knew them. Others had great Dads. Our families are part of us… but they are no excuse for poor habits or choices… or lack of forgiveness – there is always hope because of a perfect heavenly Father who can help us move forward and create a better future.

So, Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I love you as you are. I am praying for you. 

What was your Dad like? How do you celebrate Father’s Day?

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**I recommend Leslie Leyland Fields’ post and book to you if you are attempting to love or forgive an imperfect father.

a tribute to mom

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Years ago, I heard about writing a “tribute” to my mom. The idea is to write out a special thank you letter, including stories, memories, lessons learned, and her character that influenced my life in a positive way. If possible, read the tribute to her personally… and then maybe frame it for her to enjoy for years to come. Both my husband and I followed through with that idea, and our mothers have hung the framed tributes to this day.

As I read over the tribute today, I see so much of myself in her. So much of what she valued, loved and enjoyed… are now a part of me. I am grateful again for the influence she has had, and continues to have, in my life.

As a mother, it is important to take time and reflect on what I pass on to my children. They will always carry a part of me in who they are…

I’d like to encourage you to do a tribute for your mom. It is certainly possible that your mom was not perfect… mine surely wasn’t. But she was the women chosen by God to give me life… and then help mold me into the person I am today. Writing the tribute might just be the exercise that God uses for you to process through past  – or even present – pain… and find the ability to forgive.

If you enjoy a loving relationship with your mother, all the more reason to write the tribute – today! Time is precious and each day is a gift. We don’t know how much time we have to honor and thank the ones we love… today is a great day to let her know that you love and appreciate her! 

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Have you done a tribute for your mom?

(I’ve included my tribute so you can get the idea!)

supermom doesn’t live here

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I have no delusion of having been a supermom… 🙂

My husband and I have determined that we will never be ones to write the “How to…” parenting book.  The other day, however, a new friend asked me for a few tips about parenting young ones, and I quickly thought of a few things that helped me enjoy the process. I hope they might be an encouragement to you…

1. dynamic walk with the Lord… I just couldn’t ever make sense of the daily struggles and sacrifices, contrasting opinions and peer pressure, if I wasn’t secure in Him. Time with Him was often just snatches of desperate pleas for help during the day, but I realized that when – although I didn’t always get it – I longed for time with Him, I was probably doing OK.

2. investment in my marriage: Conferences, counseling, regular (every week) dates, communication, getaways…  so essential and very worth it for us to stay connected as partners! We loved parenting, but we always understood that our marriage was a priority, and we made time for us. Now that the kids are almost all moved out, we are really looking forward to being together – just the two of us – not dreading it or wondering what we will do without the kids around.

3. with #1 and #2, reflect on and choose what works for YOU and YOUR family! I am not a “kid’s world” person, so I needed time with adults each week. I loved being involved with the university ministry – discipling and mentoring, and involving our kids. I also home-schooled for many years and loved it. I have the gift of leadership and always led side-by-side with my husband. I used a lot of organization and structure to make life “livable” for me. Living in a foreign culture, I had help with cleaning and cooking. (I still don’t do much of that!) BUT… that worked for ME… each woman and marriage is different… God’s incredible creativity isn’t limited to creation… it is available for each marriage and family also. It is available for you!

4. last, but related to #3… do what YOU need to do to get refreshed… I spent so many years feeling guilty because I thought I “should” want to dress up and go out to a fancy dinner for a date, when I really preferred to lay out in the sun and read/discuss a book with my husband… or go to a yard sale… or run by myself… coffee dates with friends and women’s Bible study groups were also great for me. My recharge is not the same as others – I finally figured out that was ok…

I was so encouraged that my friend was asking questions, because asking questions is the first step to finding the way in a very complex and challenging life… May God bless you on your journey!

What are you doing to enjoy the process? Are there some other “tips” you would suggest as an encouragement to others?