Tag Archives: anger

doing battle with discouragement

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Photo Credit: Michael Payne – Unsplash

Life has felt heavy. COVID. Politics. Racial divisions. Natural disasters.

I feel the weight of these many issues, and somedays I have to battle to find hope.

On a large scale, most of this is out of my control, hence the heaviness of it all. However, there are ways that I can engage and get involved in my small scope of the world. When these pressures add to the “blah” of my day or contribute to my “cloudy” brain, I try to focus less on what I cannot control and more on what I can.

I can control my attitude.

I can choose gratitude over grumpiness. I can practice curiosity over judgment. I can loosen demands to have things go my way and humbly accept what others might desire or need. I can listen to music that uplifts my soul. I can seek Jesus’ heart perspective for other people and circumstances and pray before responding. I can vulnerably ask others to pray for me. I can lean towards trust and hope instead of worry.

I can control my words.

I can talk less and listen intentionally. I can ask more questions and offer less advice. I can work less at convincing others of my viewpoint and willingly accept the complexity of differing opinions. I can take time to reflect and journal. I can speak with love and encouragement instead of argumentativeness. I can pause before I say or write something mean or sarcastic and refrain from adding negativity to a situation. I can complain and criticize less. I can ask for forgiveness when I am wrong and let go of grudges against those who have hurt me.

I can control my actions.

I can turn off social media and TV inputs that are combative, angry, and hate-filled. I can seek out education, new learning, and diverse perspectives instead. I can lift my head, make eye contact, and smile at the person near me. I can willingly go to places that are awkward and uncomfortable for me to understand life journeys that are not like mine. I can give generously to those causes I believe in and to those who have been hard hit. I can look for ways to volunteer and serve those who have needs.

As I was writing this post, I began to recognize how much I can do. I cannot change the whole world dynamic, but I can change my small corner. I cannot do all of this every day. It is a continual battle, and sometimes it feels like the dismay will win. But other days, I get to experience a bit of victory. The discouragement has less power in my life, and I sense that I am contributing a good, healthy, and positive influence where I can.

How do you fight off discouragement? How do you contribute in a healthy way?

grace. grace. and more grace.

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Image credit: j-w-Ju-ITc1Cc0w-unsplash

This word keeps coming back to me. G R A C E.

If you look up the word in a dictionary, grace has a number of varied definitions. These are not the idea I have in mind.

  • Simple elegance or refinement of movement – “She moves with grace.”

  • The extended time given for a payment – “You have a one week grace period.”

  • A short prayer before or after a meal – “He said the grace.”

  • A formal title for a duke, duchess, or archbishop – “May I introduce Your Grace, the Archbishop.”

However, another definition of grace is “courteous goodwill” or “an attractively polite manner of behaving”. Followers of Jesus know grace as the free and undeserved favor we receive from God. We are encouraged to offer that favor to others also. 

This idea of goodwill and favor is what keeps showing up in my conversations.

I am continually aware of the desperate need
for grace, for myself and others.

FOR MYSELF

Despite my deep desire to forget that we are in the middle of a global pandemic, we are still there. It is still affecting many of our daily choices, opportunities, interactions, and thoughts, yet I often forget that I cannot hope to feel, act, and perform in the ways I did pre-COVID. I get upset with myself for any lack of energy, pervading discouragement, or items that I have not crossed off my to-do list.

That kind of negative self-view and even self-judgment or self-condemnation does nothing positive to help me. It only robs me of the little energy I have, increases my discouragement, and causes my to-do list to appear more unmanageable than before.

I want to treat myself with goodwill and favor.
Deserved or not, I need GRACE.

FOR OTHERS

Generally, we’ve become quite the certain-we-are-right, quick-to-judge-others, critical-of-anyone-different, angry, downright-cruel people these days. These negative attitudes and views of others are all too evident in every media platform available. I’ve experienced it in-person at stores and restaurants and from drivers on the streets.

I’ve also noticed it in my own heart. 

Before I take time to ask questions or get to know someone’s story, I judge their intentions and their actions. Before I know their background, their present or past struggles, their personality, values, or feelings, I offer my opinion, my excuses, my fury, and my criticism.

Those reactions are not helpful to others. They rarely need my ideas; they already know the right things to do. They do not want my excuses; they’d prefer my humble apology and willingness to listen. They certainly do not desire my anger or my critique. They need compassion and love.

I want to treat others with goodwill and favor.
Deserved or not, they need GRACE.

What will help me behave politely and kindly to myself? Grace.

What encourages me to treat others in a way that is attractive to them? Grace.

When do you most need to give yourself favor? What helps you offer goodwill to others?

when anger and grief decide to visit

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Photo licensed: shutterstock_419668975

Anger and grief showed up this week. I didn’t invite them. I hope they won’t stay long.

We’ve been through a lot these past few weeks-going-on-months. Through the crazy, uncertainties, changes, and inconveniences, I have maintained a fairly good attitude and my faith has withstood the storm.

This week, however, my heart was sucker-punched with some bad news and, as is often the case, my pain quickly turned to anger. I was angry at God. I was angry at myself and I was angry at my inability to fix things that are out of my control and that I don’t like.

As I sat with (or, more honestly, embraced) my anger for the better part of the day, the hard self-protective shell around my heart finally started to give way to the legitimate pain underneath. I recognized that I am very tired. Tired from some long-standing sadness that I’ve been carrying around for a while and tired from the emotional weight of our new reality. Tired of simple decisions now requiring an analysis of so many possible ramifications. I am grieving the suffering and the deaths, the struggles of those who are losing their jobs and those who are still working their jobs at great risk. I am grieving the loss of connection, independence, and freedom for us all.

In the midst of that unwelcome intrusion, I needed to remember (maybe you do too?) that anger and grief emotions are valid and real, and they do not need to be brushed aside immediately with positive thoughts or spiritual truths, hidden away under guilt and shame, or diminished by comparisons with something worse that someone else is experiencing. 

I have felt like an empathy failure at times because brushing aside, hiding, or comparing have been my responses all too often. That has made it more difficult for me – and for others – to process emotions and begin to heal.

I want to be more hospitable to anger and grief.

I am learning that it helps to share my emotions with a safe person, someone who can handle the authentic honesty of my heart. Many times God is my safe person through journaling or praying. I am intentionally working to be that kind of safe person for others, biting my tongue when it would be easier for me to offer ideas and try to “fix-it”, and instead simply be there for others in their pain until they are ready for something else from me. 

I recognize that anger and sorrow and healing will often share the same table with my joys and gratefulness and productivity. They are not one-time guests. Their presence makes for a messier living space than I prefer, but I am learning to be ok with that.

How do you handle anger and grief?

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**As I was writing this, I listened to Brene Brown’s recent podcast and she shared helpful tips for living with our emotions. It’s really good and covers more than I can in a few words.

anger management 101

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Have you ever been so frustrated and angry that you weren’t sure what you might do? Someone didn’t do their share, left you unprotected, criticized you unfairly, took credit that wasn’t theirs… As I was coaching someone through their anger the other day, I realized I was “talking to myself”. I decided I better write down my tips; I might need them myself tomorrow!

1. Ventilate and validate – I’ve learned that it is ok to go ahead and “let it out” with a SAFE person. Anger and frustration are a normal, often very valid, part of life. It is so much better to verbalize the frustration than to drown it in food, drugs or alcohol… or haul off and hit someone. A safe person won’t use my reaction against me, but they might “push back” a bit against my reasoning, or find some bit of humor in my extreme emotions, or guide me to God and spiritual truth in the situation – all good for me and part of the process.

2. Consider my part – Once I’ve calmed down a bit, the next step is a willingness to consider that I might have some responsibility in the problem or, at least, that I might have something to learn through the situation. No matter what others have done, I am  called first to look at myself and what I can change in me… I don’t want to fall into the blame trap or the victim mindset.

3. Find some good – When I am angry, I see only the bad; I am blind to any good or positive element. We are in a spiritual battle and, no one is exempt. History proves that our anger can progress to judgment, stereotypes, and hatred of whole people groups – some pretty nasty stuff. Instead, I can turn to friends or God for help and discipline myself to find something that I can appreciate and be thankful for in the midst of difficult circumstances.

4. Follow through – Sometimes I need to deal with whatever caused the frustration and anger and initiate a difficult conversation, require restitution, or apply consequences… If it falls under my authority or responsibility, I need to follow through with appropriate action with the person – not just let it slide and keep grumbling behind their back. If there is “nothing” I can do, I can always review steps 1-3!

How do you handle your anger?